Saturday Blog 14092024
I am slow moving today. I woke up at 6 to pee and then went back to sleep after I took my meds. I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to get up at 1230 but it was more like 1330. I had some coffee and some waffles. I feel like shit. My tooth still hurts. I was pain free for a few hours but it didn’t last long. I brushed my teeth when I got up as I didn’t do it yesterday. I was in such a rotten mood yesterday. I am still in that mood today.
I went to my room after I had coffee. I looked at the responses from the students, trying to pick the easiest one but it was hard. I picked on and responded and then picked another. I had to pick two for credit. Now I just need to take notes on the slides which I am having trouble. I have a headache. I just want to sleep. I made another cup of coffee. I don’t care that it’s 1600. I wanted three cups of coffee today. My brain needs it, dammit.
It’s warm today. I was sweating in my kitchen. I am nice and cool in my room with the AC running. I wish my tooth would stop hurting. It is so annoying. I hope I don’t have to go back to the dentist. I just got a bill from when I went last month. There goes the extra money I was hoping to have for my “real” ID.
I am so tired despite sleeping through the night. I had some weird dreams about work. I kept processing green tops. I honestly don’t know what it is like to wake up feeling refreshed, like you have slept enough. I sleep for three hours and I can feel like I am ready to go and it is like 1am, which isn’t ideal! It truly sucks. I am trying to do my school work but I keep resisting and I don’t know why. I just need to get it done. I wish my damn brain would “wake up”. I hate this fog that I feel enveloped in. I feel so cloudy. That’s why I wanted coffee because sometimes it breaks it up. Except I don’t think it is happening today. I just feel so drained.
I meet with my psychiatrist on Tues. I am going to tell him I had Cotard’s syndrome back in 2022. I think it’s important for him to know. I didn’t think the cognitive symptoms of depression would be this bad this early in the semester. I am trying to push through but it is so hard. I feel like I am pushing through cement at times. I still haven’t left the house. I haven’t showered since Wed or Thurs. I don’t remember the day. It was when I shaved last so probably Thurs. I go up on the Topamax tomorrow. I will be at 100 mg a day. I know it can cause cognitive blunting too. I think it more depression than med related. My mood sucks. I am apathic as fuck. Anhedonia is so high right now. None of my friends gets it. I keep getting asked why, like there has to be a reason. There never is a reason. You just are.
midnightdemons7 