I’m falling

I’m falling

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I thought I had set my alarm for 10 but I didn’t. I got up to pee and then I took my meds but I didn’t look at the time. When I did, I found that it was the time I was supposed to meet with him. Fuck. I quickly got on my laptop and thank god it didn’t give me trouble. It sort of didn’t connect to the internet and I was freaking out that I would have to reboot. It seems like every appointment I have computer issues. But the internet connected and I was able to log on. I realized once the video connected, I wasn’t wearing a shirt and I was too lazy to grab one. I just kept the camera focused on the upper shoulders above my neck. I had sent him a message last night about Cotard’s syndrome. He was grateful for it. We talked about it today. He didn’t realize how sick I was after my overdose. I really became quite psychotic and delusional. He is glad I am no longer that way anymore but it’s important for him to know this so that it doesn’t happen again. Meds saved me. I know that if I wasn’t back on an antipsychotic and antidepressant I would not be okay. I know I am still depressed but the suicidality is not there any more.

It took all the energy I had to get dressed and go to class today. I had dreams that caused a migraine and headaches. I woke up with a headache so took some ibuprofen. Fifteen minutes before class, I got a migraine. I was wearing sunglasses and kept them on throughout class. It was kind of bright with the lights and outside. The migraine just got worse as I tried to pay attention. We spent some time with the group. We finally picked a topic that I think is going to be difficult to explain to 12-13 year olds. I have no idea what I am going to present. I left after class instead of meeting with the group. I had to go home and get some meds in me. I had neuropathy pains and that is not good. I needed to take some gaba and the other migraine meds.

I came home and threw a pot pie in the oven and then took my meds. I then opened my laptop and just been doing research the past few hours. I picked an article as the professor assigned another presentation today. This makes like five things I think. If she assigns something else, I am going to lose it. So far I have to build a brain, group presentation, weekly discussions, final paper, 3 exams, quizzes, and this research paper. I just emailed the professor about the article I picked. I just read the abstract. It seems interesting. I told the professor I was an autodidact suicidologist. Fuck it. I was in that kind of mood. Problem is that I have been looking at treatment modalities the past 10 years. Not really looking at the brain. Now I am looking at brain things. Unfortunately, it is all deceased brains from what I have been reading so far. I asked the professor if I can use the article from the suicidologist that I follow. It’s a review article, not empirical. I hope she will accept it.

I am so tired. I just took my night meds. It felt like I was walking in mud today. While walking to the station today, I had to stop and rest because I became very short of breath. I need to call my pcp tomorrow. I had palpitations with it. I seriously thought I would have to call an ambulance if it didn’t settle down. It scared me. I still have a slight headache. My sinuses are draining into my throat. I am just glad my tooth is better. When I came home, everything from the neck up hurt. I will be going to bed soon. I hope I don’t have any weird dreams like last night. It was another trauma filled night. OMG. The migraines were terrible. I should have taken something when my med alarm went off. I would probably not be in as much pain as I am in right now. It is just hard to gauge. I am also running low on my migraine meds. It sucks I only get 10 pills for the month. Trying to make them stretch is so hard. This is because the insurance company says so, not because the doctor says so. It’s so damn stupid.