getting there

Getting there

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I was almost up for 24 hours. I didn’t get to sleep till around 3am. I woke up sometime before my med alarm went off to pee and then I just went back to sleep after I took my meds. I didn’t get up till after 2pm. My sister called and told me she was making a gravy with zucchini and to be down to dinner around 530pm. I got up and had two cups of coffee. They were not peaceful as my sister was in the kitchen and she was bitching the whole time and talking to herself. After I had my coffee I went upstairs to my room to finish this paper.

I just read it over to see if it made sense and I added some stuff to it. I was off to research land again. I had so many tabs open with different articles. I don’t think I used any of them. After I was finished with it, I immediately submitted it to get it done. Now I just have to study for my exam.

My niece was over the house and started making French onion soup. The house smelled like onions. I have been sneezing all fucking day. My sister said I smelled like an old man. I needed to shower. After I had dinner I thought I would but I got lazy. I also ate too much. I had a little wine with dinner. It was good.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day. I have therapy tomorrow. I hate that I have to be up early. I hate that I still have vivid memories of the delusions and psychosis I was going through. It was a lot. Just weird that all the suicidality that I have felt for years is “gone” and it’s only sometimes it resurfaces. Like I think I can kill myself and just go through with it. Like what is really stopping me from doing it? I have psychache occasionally. It isn’t as bad as it was before. And since my top surgery, I don’t loathe myself as much. That doesn’t mean I like myself. Just that I constantly don’t hate myself every second of the day.

I need to go to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have weird dreams.