mourning and grief

Mourning and grief

My mother’s birthday is this week and I have been thinking a lot about her and the week before she died. She died a week after my top surgery. She was against it. She never saw the results and I think that is a blessing because my muscles aren’t uniform and the scars aren’t either. I know she would say something negative about it and it would hurt me. But yesterday in therapy I realized that I when she died, I had to deal with grief of my mother and my body and adjust to the “new” me. I couldn’t handle it as the grief just took over everything and the depression didn’t help. I shut down. It didn’t help that I didn’t have a supportive therapist. She always wanted to problem solve everything. I couldn’t just talk. I had to do some kind of action to help myself. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was going on. And then when she washed her hands of trying to help me with coping skills, I knew we were over. Why would I continue seeing her if she wasn’t going to help me.

I am glad my therapist isn’t part of the hospital I go to so my records are truly private. I hated that my pcp could read my therapist’s notes or anyone else that had access to my record. My psychiatrist has always been a part of my record and there really is no “therapy” going on other than discussing med issues and getting refills.

I belong to a few transgender support groups on FB and when members post their post op messages, I feel kind of sad because I never felt the euphoria they feel because it was compounded by grief. Also I didn’t like my body. I never realized how fat I was because the boobs were in the way. My stomach is big and I don’t like it. I haven’t done anything to change it. I have a hard time dieting. And because my physical limits, I can’t walk or do exercise without pain.

I had a difficult night sleeping. I kept waking up from weird dreams and then needing to pee. I had taken some Nyquil because I had the sniffles and the interrupted sleep caused me to be hungover when I woke up this morning. I never went out because it was bitterly cold out and the wind was howling at times. I got a headache now. I just want to sleep and not wake up.