Somewhere I belong
There was a windy snow storm last night. I was up by the wind and the terrible drops of snow that were loud and scary. My room became wicked cold. I slept a little bit. I heard my med alarm go off but I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed for a few more hours. I got up and took my meds and then used the bathroom. I made coffee. My sister texted me asking if I wanted coffee and I went down once it was finished making it. I wish I didn’t go downstairs as all she did was complain about how I don’t do anything and I should be pitching in more to help my sister. She went as far as to ask my doctors to get more “stamina” to do housework. So I was already feeling low and now felt worse. I went back upstairs to make another cup of coffee.
My other sister was in the kitchen cooking something or cleaning. I don’t remember. We discussed what we needed for paper goods for the house. I usually buy them and she buys soaps and stuff. I made another cup of coffee. I wanted something to eat but I didn’t know what I wanted. My sister was making lentil soup and sausage stuffing. I finished my coffee and then went to my room.
I did my meds for the week. I had to make a few refills. I also asked my psychiatrist for 90 days supply of my psych meds because I am not sure what is going to happy now that the worm man is in charge. My mood kept going from depressed to suicidal and back. I kept playing my game to distract. After I did my meds, I had something to eat. I made mac and cheese and had some stuffing. It was spicy as my sister used hot sausages. I don’t know which food annoyed my gallbladder but I am hurting right now. I was doing so well that last couple of weeks. I just don’t know what to do about it other than to lie down.
I read my book and OMG it talks about transformation and stuff. He had prefaced that the author was lesbian although was definitely not open given the times and she uses the word “queer” a lot. The character in the book, a 12 year old girl, wants to be validated and recognized so talks about her big brother’s wedding and how she is going to leave the town to anyone who would listen to her. Then she meets this soldier and I got a weird feeling but it was harmless. I still need to read another 20 pages but damn it makes my head hurt as it is so boring and there isn’t any space between the writing, it just goes on and on.
I have been on and off planning suicide plans. I won’t do anything this semester. Least I hope I won’t. I know where the stuff is but I don’t know where it is so that is a good thing. I might mention it to my therapist this week when I see her but she doesn’t do a good suicide risk assessment. She hasn’t asked me anything since bringing up Shneidman’s work. Fuck. I just saw a post about FAFSA (federal financial aid) and they are really taking it away from transgender students. I just don’t remember if I put male or trans on my form and I don’t think I can edit it. I am freaking out right now. I feel like my identity as an academic is being attacked as well as a person. I am not in good head space right now.
midnightdemons7 