What am I even doing?

What am I even doing?

I woke up around 7 to pee and I should have stayed up but wanted to sleep a few more hours before my appointment. I took my meds after using the bathroom and then snoozed. I ended up falling in a deep sleep and when the alarm went off, it was so hard to get up. My head hurt but nothing coffee wouldn’t fix. Or so I thought.

I met with my therapist. We were talking about how the week was going. She didn’t have a lot to say about my dissociation experience Monday. Parts of me wanted to say that I was suicidal and in a bad way but I kept this from her. She asked what we were doing and I have no fucking clue. It was the start of my downward spiral. I felt useless. I didn’t even think I was worthy of therapy. Then I had a few conversations with my sisters and felt worse. I just wanted to fucking die, not exist anymore. All I wanted to do today was work on my paper but the headache became a fucking migraine with brain fog and I can’t think to save my life right now.

We made an appointment to meet next week. It’s supposed to be in person. Medicare is taking away telehealth appointments so I think I have only one month left of virtual and then it’s over. I don’t know how I am supposed to do my psychiatry appointments. I have a lot of appointments this month. Everything I bothering my head. I had to put my phone on vibrate. Everyone decided to respond to my texts or messages at the same time so the noise was killing me. I tried napping but couldn’t do it. I ended up having an anxiety attack. I just don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. I am stressed as it is with family and school. I don’t know if I can finish my degree. I am doing my best to get by and “live” when I don’t want to.

I am not back to my suicidal ways, the constriction that took over once I became suicidal is not there. I do think about suicide and acting on it. But I don’t have a concrete plan. I entertain the thoughts. It sometimes make me panic a little, especially as I did overdose last time while I was in a dissociative state. Luckily, what I want to OD on isn’t readily accessible. I would have to look for it.