Friday Ramblings 25042025

Friday ramblings 25042025

I didn’t get up early like I wanted to. It was much colder today than it has been all week. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I had my coffee. Then I worked on my Italian. I took my quiz and turned it in. I then did the homework and was half way done when it was time for therapy. She only gave me a half hour because she double booked herself. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. I just feel apathetic.

I had something to eat. I took my migraine shot. I am almost out of the migraine supplement. I don’t think I will be able to get more until my check comes in next week.

I feel so low today. I just want to stay in bed. Nothing is enticing me to get out of bed or out of the house. I feel so tired all the damn time. All I can think about is death. How I would do it. I really can’t wait to do it. But I am worried that if I live, it won’t be pleasant.

I was supposed to buzz my hair today but I never got around to it. I don’t care. I can keep it like it is. It is just itchy as hell for some reason. I have been using a dandruff shampoo so I don’t know why it itches. I want to start shaving it again. But that might now happen as I can barely keep up taking care of myself. I am making sure I eat even though I don’t want to. Keeping up with fluids has been very difficult.

I feel like going to the psych ER but I don’t want to wait for hours to be seen and treated like an inpatient by being forced to change to scrubs. It just isn’t enough that I am talking to my therapist. Nothing is physically wrong with me and I feel so tired all the time. My PFTs were good so no lung problems. Yet the muscles around my lungs hurt every single fucking day. I feel sort of suicidal. I want to die. Last night I was reading some stuff on suicide ideation and there was this term called death ideation. I guess I have that more than being suicidal. My therapist asked what coping skills I use. I don’t fucking know. None? It’s not that I actively think about skills when I am distressed. I mostly just let them pass or I write about them. In a peer support article that I shared with my DMH worker, it mentioned the website Now Matters Now (https://nowmattersnow.org/) . I remember when it came out. I think Marsha Linehan had a hand in it and then Ursula Whiteside possibly took it over. I am not sure. It has good resources on it.

I’ve decided I am staying in bed tomorrow. Fuck everything. I will finish my Italian but that is all I am doing.