muggy day

Muggy day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I finally read something and settled down. It was after 3 am though. I took my meds when the med alarm went off and then went back to sleep. I kept an ear out for the survey chime. It didn’t come till around noon. I sort of snoozed after taking it. My sister texted me around 2 asking for something so I got up. I had coffee first. Then I got what she needed and brought it downstairs. She made some cauliflower and beans and rice. I had a little of it. I wasn’t too hungry. After I finished my coffee, I had to go back upstairs to make another one. Today was going to be more than one cup day.

No one is home. The house is so hot. I managed to brush my teeth and shave my head. I missed a spot near my ear so I will have to get it the next time I go to the bathroom. I was sweating so took off my tshirt. Despite me shaving my armpits and showering yesterday, I still smell. I don’t care. No one is around me. My suicidality has been flitting in and out the past few days. I keep thinking about my plan. I’ve been thinking of putting the pills I want to take in a container so I don’t have to count them out. Just so they will be ready. I haven’t done this. It will be one step closer and I don’t want to be that close.

I have been feeling down all day and I have been trying to stay off the news. Terrible things are happening now and I just can’t stand it. I asked the study people if the surveys can come before midnight. It is really affecting my sleep having to wait for the last survey to come in. Sometimes I can sleep but most times I snooze and then I wake up and it is over for me. I am up several hours. And it takes forever to get back to sleep.

My psychiatrist’s office is supposed to call me to move up my appt but they haven’t yet. If I don’t hear from them tomorrow, I will call. I have been having some shaking while eating and not sure why. Also my legs shake, too sometimes. I notice my arm does when I try and go to sleep. I think I am sleeping on a nerve. I usually have to move it around some to find a spot that it doesn’t shake. I am going to try and go out tomorrow. My cousin is having a cookout but it is literally an all day affair and I hate it because I just get bored. After a few hours, I just want to go home and won’t be able to. I just want to go to Starbucks and have a latte then come home and order chicken wings. I might order a bunch of food. They have mozz sticks and mac and cheese bites. Sounds really yummy. And their fries are so good. It will last me until I can order my groceries on Saturday.

I have three appts next week, two in person. I will be able to get out of the house. I am still not sure how I am going to get to see the bottom surgeon consult. I usually go to my hospital in Boston and take the shuttle to the other hospital and then walk up the street to the building. It isn’t far. I don’t know if there is a bus that goes near that area. One probably does but I don’t know it and the Sox are in town so streets will be closed. It will be a ton of traffic. I will leave around 1130 so I can be there early. There is a Starbucks there, or there was anyway. I just hope the appt goes the way I want it.