For the want of sleep
Last night I went to bed early, like before 8pm I think. I woke up around 11 and it took me forever to sleep. I read my textbook for an hour. I took some Ativan and then was just restless. I kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable or stay still. My legs kept wanting to move. I couldn’t decide if I was hot or cold. My feet got hot and I was uncomfortable. It was a horrible night.
I slept most of the morning. When I did get up to have coffee, the kitchen was full of piss and shit so I went back upstairs because I couldn’t stand the smell. I told my niece’s ex to clean it up. When I got up a couple of hours later, the kitchen was clean and he was gone. The puppy was sleeping. She didn’t want too much pets. She hardly moved. I felt bad. I let her be and made my coffee.
The Supreme Court sided with the felon so I can’t get my passport with my gender markers on it. I don’t know if I ever will. A woman from Kentucky who has had four marriages wants to break up the same sex marriage law. She is an evil woman. I am feeling so distressed. I didn’t get a phone call from the new counseling center my psychiatrist recommended. It was way out of Boston area. I don’t even know where exactly it is.
My blood pressure was high today. My pcp wrote back and said to call if I had any questions. I am to continue taking the amlodipine until I see the NP Tues. I hope I don’t need blood work again. My special spot it quite bruised. It will be a few weeks before it heals.
I am so tired today. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do anything. I have ten days before my paper is due. I have no inspiration to write. I don’t even know what the fuck I am doing. I am just looking at research articles and thinking yeah that will be nice but where it will go, I don’t know. I feel really depressed and like a nobody. Like who would care if I died. I don’t matter. I am just useless.
midnightdemons7 