body dysmorphia

Body dysmorphia

I am having a hard time with my body right now. I am shirtless which means I am seeing my big stomach that won’t go away. I see how big my upper arms are and I hate it. I am not so conscious about my legs though I hate the big ankles only because dress socks become wicked tight after a while. It’s got me depressed. I had to take off my shirt because the temp in my room went up. It is so hot and the ceiling fan isn’t doing much. I am drinking fluids so I don’t dehydrate.

I was talking a little about this in therapy today but we skimmed over it. I was more into trying to get my bed clear today but after going grocery shopping, it depleted my energy levels. I plan on taking a trazodone tonight to help me sleep. It is so hot in my room, I may not be able to otherwise. I wish I could put my AC on but the curtain is down and the blinds are too so there would be a lot of moving stuff. I am just not up to it.

I was able to bring down some recycling. Today wasn’t a total waste. I just wish I felt better mentally. I feel so guilty about things and worthless about others. Just don’t feel like being alive lately. I keep going back and forth with this. Ambivalence is a great but terrible thing sometimes. I am going to see if I can talk to my DMH worker tomorrow. I want to know if there are peer to peer supports near her office. I think there is but I am not sure. We never discussed it. She always thought I would be a good peer support. But I need one for now. Maybe after I get my Bachelors degree I can do some of that work. I don’t know. If I am not dead then.