feeling more depressed

Feeling more depressed

Last night I slept with the puppy because her mom was sleeping elsewhere. She didn’t really cuddle with me for too long and slept most of the night on her dog bed. I stayed in the room so she wouldn’t be alone.

I woke up and went to my room to take my morning meds. I tried going back to sleep and succeeded. I had a hard time sleeping for some reason. I kept tossing and turning. Then one of my in laws came over so I got up to see him. I don’t think I have seen him since my mother died. He looked good. He is back in the city, in another part where I live. He actually lives near the grocery store I frequent.

I had some breakfast and then I was full. I had a cup of coffee because I needed it. I finally had the right spoon for the sugar bowl so it was perfect. I had used a regular teaspoon the past few days and it was a little bit too much sugar. I started feeling a little hungry while my sister was making something but I didn’t eat anything. I am still full and I had some water and a glass of iced tea.

I have been having suicidal thoughts the past few days. Some of them have been scary because I could see myself act on them. I feel anxious about it because I don’t know what to do. Like I know what to do (use safety plan or text crisis line). I ended up using the crisis line. I talked with them for like an hour or so. I don’t have a solid plan so I told them I didn’t have a plan.

I finally changed my sheets. I feel good about this. It took me a long while. Now I just have to wash my dirty clothes that are in my room, including the old sheets. My foot is cold even though it is under the comforter. I don’t have the AC on, just the ceiling fan. It has been cool today though pollen count is still high.

I had an ensure with my night meds. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but couldn’t muster up the energy to do it. I am tired but I know I won’t be able to sleep. It is too early. I have been going to bed before 8pm most nights and surprisingly, I have slept through most of the night except with a couple of waking up to pee. Last night I think I woke up twice to pee. I started a Powerade bottle because I was thirsty so I knew it was going to happen. But I was on the same level as the bathroom so it didn’t wake me up as much. Honey just stayed in her dog bed. I was tossing and turning most of the night. It was awful. So I am going to try and stay up till at least 9pm and then go to bed.