Author: Midnight Demon

A much cooler day

It’s been in the 60s most of the day today and it has been so nice. I didn’t do anything today. I tried to get going but after I had my coffee, I got a headache and just didn’t feel like going out. I got the mother of a toothache going on right now. I don’t know what set it off. I woke up with it hurting. I took some pain meds and ibuprofen to calm it down.

I am not really hungry today. I had waffles with my coffee and that has been the only thing I have eaten today, aside from the ice cream I devoured for my dinner. I am fucking pissed someone ate one of my pints. I found it half eaten in the freezer. Asshole.

I have been in a mood all day. I have been fighting the urge to sleep. I just want to lay down. I am supposed to see my DMH worker tomorrow. I hope I end up leaving the house rather than having a phone conversation. The social worker at the hospital said my insurance doesn’t cover partial hospital, only inpatient. I guess I am not going to a partial program then. I don’t want to be admitted. I don’t see a reason to be admitted as I am not suicidal. I just need some contact with a MHP that is a little frequent because I am struggling with the depression.

I am struggling with getting my thoughts today. I keep zoning out. I slept pretty well despite waking up at 230 to pee. I went back to sleep though until I had to pee again at 730. I should have stayed up but went back to sleep and I think that was a mistake. I got to leave the house by 1 tomorrow. I am not sure if I will go on the Orange line or take the green line in. will depend on my mood.

Migraines caused by emotion?

I just had a bad dream about my mother. We were at my house in East Boston. She was watching tv in the living room. I went to tell her that the fires in the west were diminished or something to that effect and she just mumbled. I started poking her to see if she was alright and she didn’t respond. I knew she was having a low blood sugar event so I told my sister to get some juice for her. I go back to the living room and she is passed out on the couch, lying down like she was dead. I call 911 on my phone and my phone wouldn’t place the call. Then I wake up and my head is hurting. I read for a bit. Took some Tylenol and couldn’t stop thinking about my mother. Now I got a damn migraine. The left side of my head is throbbing.

When I first started getting migraines back in 2004/2005, I noticed they seem to happen when I was in therapy. The more I tried to talk about my emotions, the more migraines I got. They were debilitating. I still worked though. I don’t know how I managed. I had tried several different medications for my migraines till I came across the one I take now. It works fairly well. Then when I found out I had high blood pressure and it got controlled, the migraines became less frequent. I was still getting my menses at the time and migraines would happen around the time I got it. I was migraine free for a long time after my menses were stopped. Now they seem to happen around my dreams and if I have emotional attachment to the dreams. It also happens if I am in the dream rather than just watching as events play out. This is so fucking weird. No one has an explanation for this phenomenon. I tell the doctors and they are intrigued.

I can’t get back to sleep. It my favorite hour. I woke before 2am. It’s now 330am. I took some Ativan to try and get back to sleep. My head hurts. I do miss my mother. I’ve been having dreams about her at least a few times a week. This is the first bad one that I had about her. Her hypoglycemic episodes were always scary. As she got older, it was harder to bring her around and sometimes we would have to call 911 and she would have to go to the ED for observation. Then her sugars would be sky high for a couple days. She would be mad when she came out of the episode and we had to call 911. Sometimes she refused to go to the hospital after she came out of it, when her sugar came up. We’d always keep a close eye on her. I have always been a light sleeper so I would always keep an ear out for her during the night. Old habits die hard. It has been so hard to break this habit as even though she is gone, I am still trying to hear the walker or a thump or something from downstairs. Sometimes my hypervigilance gets activated and it is really hard to sleep when it is. Every noise freaks me out. My nephew would sometimes leave his room and his door would always make a noise. He would go out to make something to eat or smoke. I miss him. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I text him but never get a response. He moved out in June, a week before his birthday. I haven’t seen him since we celebrated his day. He turned 30. I love him so much.

I am going to read Moby Dick for a bit. I am sort of learning about whales from the point of view of the 19^th century and about how whales were captured and taken for their blubber. It has been interesting but some parts have been pretty boring. I have about 50 chapters left. The chapters aren’t that long. I can usually read them in about twenty minutes or so. Just mindless reading. I do love the classics though. I plan on reading Whuthering Heights next.

A productive Monday

I woke up at 330 with a damn migraine. I was having dreams about my family and it was emotional. I then couldn’t go back to sleep. The migraine got better with meds and then I got wicked hungry. I made a bagel and a roast beef sandwich. Then I tried to go back to sleep and slept for a few hours. My med alarm went off and I had to pee. I dozed a bit then got up around 10. I made coffee. I wasn’t hungry but damn it was so hot in my kitchen. I was sweating to death. I had two cups of coffee before returning to my room. I decided to mail the books out. I am still waiting for Peapod to clear my account. It is going to be a few days before it is all straightened out.

I took a walk to the post office and sent out my ballot as well as a couple of books. I delivered my book to my neighbor yesterday and she read it all. She really liked it. I came home a sweaty mess. I made some burgers for lunch. I think I am going to make pasta salad for dinner. I bought colored pasta for it. I saw in my fridge a creamy Ceasar dressing so will use that.

I did my laundry. I shaved my head but forgot to brush my teeth. I will do that in a little bit. I wanted to go to the Square to pick up the book that is on hold. I don’t know if I want to read the book though. I am trying to finish Moby Dick and get into my textbook. I want to do some reading before the game tonight. I usually set 6pm as my reading time. I am trying to get that to be my routine and then listen to the game after I read for an hour or two, provided the game is on at 7 or 8. Tonight the game is at 8 as they are in Kansas City. I don’t have too much going on this week. Thurs I meet my DMH worker and Fri I see my neuro.

Right now I am struggling with staying awake. I want to take a nap so bad. Think I will have another coffee, iced this time.