Author: Midnight Demon

Depressed and slow moving

I was up between the hours of 2 and 5am last night. I couldn’t sleep and I had to pee a few times because I was thirsty. I never left the house today. I woke up with a headache and I just couldn’t get myself to move with any type of speed. Around 11 I took my meds and then laid back down for a bit. I think I got up around noon to have my first cup of coffee. My DMH worker texted me to see if we were still on. I said we were but by 1 I knew I wasn’t going to be leaving the house. I asked if we could talk on the phone. I was stressing about the discussion paper that is due today. The professor sent an email reminding us it was due. I just felt paralyzed by depression today. It was creeping into my thoughts. I don’t feel well because of the headache and toothache. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I am so damn tired. I still have to do the slides for class and write them in my notebook. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. And it is only the second week of class!! Fuck. I am so screwed.

I just submitted the discussion. I misspelled discussion. Oh well. Sue me. I got the thing done. Now I got to reply to two classmates over the weekend. This class is so time consuming. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I will still be up in the middle of the night. I went to bed around 10pm last night as I was paying attention to the game as it went into extra innings. They lost. I didn’t listen to it because my head hurt. I don’t plan on listening tonight.

I made pizza for supper tonight. It’s the only thing I had to eat all day. I just haven’t been hungry. Monday I will try and go to social security for my gender marker change. I need to get it done so that the hospital stops sending me emails telling me to contact registration to update my gender change. I wish you could just email the document to them and be done with it but nope, you need to bring it in person.

Migraines have returned

I got a headache before the game started last night and by the time the game was tied and went into extra innings, it became a migraine. I took my meds and after the Sox won the game, I went to sleep. I slept for about six hours. I woke up around 430 to pee. I still had a headache so I took the new migraine med. I took two pills thinking the higher dose might be helpful. It didn’t do shit. I woke up feeling like my head was going to implode. I could barely think. I stayed in bed most of the morning and afternoon. I took some Excedrin. I eventually got up to take my meds. I still had to take a shower and shave. I just couldn’t get myself to move. Class was out of the question. So of course the group wanted to meet today. Around 1230, one of the students in my group said she wasn’t going to be in class. There are six of us so only four would be there as I wasn’t going to be there either. We decided to meet on zoom for this evening.

I finally took a shower and then had some coffee. I made a steak. I thought I was able to make it medium rare and I cooked it too long, again. I suck at cooking beef. It was still nice and juicy. I had to remember to keep the pieces small so I didn’t choke on it. It was a very good piece of meat.

My head feels like it is being squeezed right now. I just took my migraine med and a Robaxin for the chest wall pain. I also took some Sudafed as my sinuses feel congested. It is so warm today. After my shower, I was sweating in the kitchen. I didn’t wear a shirt. It’s cool in my room with the ceiling fan. My best friend just called me. She texted me last night and told me she has breast cancer. She doesn’t even remember texting me. She called to tell me she has breast cancer. She is still in shock. I feel so bad. But I know she will pull through it. She is a strong woman, one of the strongest I ever known.

Two buses for groceries

I was up half the night again. I just couldn’t sleep. I got hungry so had a bagel at like 4am. I figure I would be up. I had taken a trazodone but it didn’t work. After I ate, I felt sleepy and slept most of the morning. I had to go to the grocery store because I needed half and half and I wanted steak. I didn’t want to go to two stores. The store that is two miles away has a better meat selection than the one down the street from me. I had to take two buses to get there. It would have been easier if I had a car. It took me an hour and a half to spend five minutes for three items that came to twenty bucks. Meat and cream is expensive. I also bought a bottle of steak sauce as I am out.

My sister had sent a text about leftovers. I said I would eat it but by the time I got up, my niece had thrown it away. I thought I would have potato salad but it was thrown out as well. There was chocolate cake so I had that. I need to rest before I cook the steak. I am wicked tired. I still need to finish the article for class. There are questions I need to answer. I am just having trouble with the material itself because I came from a low Socio-economic level growing up.

I don’t have ANY regrets about top surgery but this chest pain that I feel every day sucks. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t build muscle or it is the loss of muscle. Whatever the cause, I am in pain every day and I have to take the Robaxin around the clock in order for the pain to be controlled. It’s the only thing that helps it. I am in a very depressed mood today. I feel useless and worthless. It took all my energy to go out today. Someone has been using my half and half so I needed to get some more or I wouldn’t have any for tomorrow. Coffee has motivated me to go out. At the grocery store I went to today, there was a Starbucks. I thought about getting something but my funds are running low. If I got something today, I wouldn’t be able to get anything for tomorrow before class.

I was hoping to shave and shower today but I just don’t have the energy. It took a lot to just go to the store and I still need to make dinner. I hope I can be up early tomorrow and be able to shave and shower before I leave for class. Yesterday I left a little later than I did last week and I still was a half hour early so I don’t have to leave so early for class but I do have to be up before 11.