Author: Midnight Demon

Therapy sucked today

I hated being in therapy today. I got a bit of brain fog going on because I am still sick. We were talking about my suicidal ideations and she doesn’t see the pattern changing. She wants me to do more distress tolerance skills. Also wants me to do things that are “good” for me. I told her I would have to think about it as I don’t know what to do. I just felt like she wasn’t hearing me when I said I don’t know what to do and she wasn’t being helpful in suggesting something. I don’t know why I keep continuing to go. It’s like what I am reading in my psych book, a stimulus must change but I don’t know what exactly that is. I’ve been suicidal for forty years.

This cough needs to take a hike. I still don’t know if going to the doctors will help. At times I am wheezing and then other times I am clear so I don’t know what is going on. I was able to get through 45 minutes of therapy with a few coughing fits. I still don’t have chamomile tea. I am placing a grocery order later this week.

I need to take a shower. I don’t know if I am going to take one tonight. I haven’t done anything related to school today other than pay my tuition bill. I just checked for grades and I got an 82 on my psych. It was a hard test. I hope I do better next exam. Anthro isn’t back yet. I have tried to get through the reading the other day and just couldn’t concentrate. I have been working through my psych chapter but it is a lot of terms to understand and I keep calling the US (uncontrolled stimulus) the US (United States) which doesn’t help me and only confuses me. I will get it straight eventually.

I am tired. I slept ok through the night but I had weird dreams. I woke up having to pee really bad and my sister beat me to the bathroom this morning so I had to wait. I didn’t go back to sleep because the gas man was supposed to call me but he didn’t and left a note saying that he came. Bastard. My brother in law called me soon after so my phone was working. I had to call and reschedule the appointment for Wed. I had my phone by me the whole time and it didn’t even ring though I had a missed call from the jerk. I haven’t napped all day as I just been going. I had leftover Chinese for lunch and then a bagel because I was still hungry. I might make a turkey sandwich if I get hungry later.

Saturday Blog

I have been up coughing and sneezing again all night and most of the day. I had to get some tissues and cough medicine. I also got some more Gatorade and a gallon of water as I am out. I was wheezing as I was walking to the store. It was in the middle of chest. I might have to see the doc this week. This is just not going away. I feel so tired.

Last night I tried reading my chapter and there was a lot of information in the short thing I read. I have to keep the abbreviations in mind as they use them instead of spelling it out for the conditioning scenarios. It is interesting though. I tried to read Anthro today but it started off with a poem and I never get poems. I will deal with it next week.

I’m listening to 90s country music. I wanted something different. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on doing that soon, the next time I go to the bathroom. I have been trying to drink a lot. I am going to make a cup of tea when I go downstairs. I think that will help my throat. My nose is so stuffy. I can’t believe I went from a chest cold to a regular cold. It is really tiring me out. I took a second dose of Flonase to try and keep my nose clear. I am so tired from the sneezing.

I got to lay down. I will write more tomorrow.

Freaking Friday

I had a rough night with this damn cold. I was coughing and sneezing most of the night until I took some Nyquil to get some sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1230pm. I was still congested and sneezing and coughing when I went down to make some coffee. I had a cup and a half as the Keurig ran out of water. I hate when I don’t look before making a cup.

I didn’t go to class yesterday because I woke up with a migraine. I had it nearly all day. Coughing didn’t help matters. I checked to see if grades were posted and our quiz scores were up. I got 17/20 so I am happy. Now I am waiting anxiously for exam 1 grades. I took my Anthro test Wed night and I swear if I get a C, I will take it. I hate this class and one of the answers for the test I didn’t know. I really didn’t study too hard for this test and my short answer questions were that, short and brief. I just looked at the syllabus to see what is next and there is another article to be read and then a film after lecture. Fun.

I plan on reading chapter 4 of my psych book. I had another cup of coffee with my lunch/dinner. I should have a cup of tea. I need to go to the grocery store for more half and half. I hope my brother in law can take me tomorrow. I also need to get some turkey as I want a turkey sandwich.

I don’t know what is going on with our electric bill. It keeps going up and down every month. Never a consistent price. I will pay half of it next week when I get paid. It will be a miracle if I have anything leftover after I pay my bills. I have just 3 bucks in my checking right now, actually, no I don’t because I paid for my meds to be delivered so I wouldn’t have to go to the Square tomorrow. Ugh. Being an adult sucks. I got to pay UMB next week, too. I am grateful my uncle gave me the money for the semester but I feel guilty. He believes in me so I am going to study hard this semester, like I have the past few weeks. I hope I did well in my psych exam. I have more of an inclination to make sure my psych classes have good marks. I have no idea if I will ever get beyond my bachelor’s but if I do, I will be lucky. I hope one day to be a therapist but I don’t know how likely that is going to be.

I worked on my book a little bit. I had to edit some stuff that I knew off the top of my head. I need to write an acknowledgement page but I have no idea what to write. It was a nurse in the hospital that urged me to write this book. No one else has. I had it in my mind to possibly write a second memoir but I honestly didn’t think I would write it this fast. It needs to be edited and played with a bit. I’m not sure when I will get this done. I still have to pay the editor something next week, too. Ugh so many fucking bills. The nice thing is that this editor has a mental health background so I am hoping this will be a good fit. I can’t believe March is here already. I just think about how last year was the last month of my mother’s life. It has been so hard the past few days dealing with grief. I remember her calling me son, twice, during the last month of her life. I will never know if this was her acceptance of me or if her mind was gone and she just thought I was her son because I looked male.