Author: Midnight Demon

Therapy on a rainy day

I woke up a couple of hours before my therapy appointment. I could hear the rain beat against my AC and window. I didn’t want to get up but I had to pee. My nephew was in the bathroom so I went to the kitchen. It was pouring out but no leaks in the house. Sometimes when it is windy and rainy we get a little water in the house. I went to the bathroom and then went up to my room to take my meds. I had some messages on my phone so I looked through them after I took my meds. My pcp responded to the message I sent over the weekend. She said the iron was ok but the B2 could be increased. She said she will wait until I see my neuro before making changes to see if they help my headaches.

I had two cups of coffee before therapy. Therapy was tough. She continued with the EMDR and today was more intense than last week. I was triggered a few times and it was really difficult. We talked about the trauma my mother put me through, trying to focus on one memory was hard. I had so many in the shower, even as an adult. I just had to make a shower longer while she was in the bathroom just so she didn’t see me naked. She had me transfer to an EMDR website and I don’t think she is going to drop this. I have never seen a therapist that sees past my target moving stuff. This shit is hard.

I have tried writing the review for the book Critical Suicidology. I was getting my notes together and found I didn’t write a short review of chapter four. I might have to re-read it as I don’t really remember what it was about. I should be able to write this thing in the next few days.

I got another migraine. I had to shut the ceiling fan off because the air movement was hurting my head. I took a shower today and shaved the sides and back of my head. I also shaved my face around the goatee. I like how the goatee looks so I think I am going to keep it for a while. I have been talking to a woman on the new social app BlueSky. She is into women so I don’t have a chance with her. She is wicked cute though.

I have been listening to my ERAS playlist with all of Taylor’s songs. It’s a good mash up of songs when I don’t feel like listening to a particular album. I cannot wait till 1989 TV comes out in a few weeks.

Saturday Blog 16092023

My niece finally responded to my text today. She has not been home all week and I miss her. I understand that being home has been difficult for her so I understand that she has a place to go to for a bit. I wish I did. Anyways, she posted a couple of videos of my mother and I felt sick. The old hurts returned and I remembered the abuse I went through. Just hearing her voice brought back the old stuff. I remembered that I despised her and still do in some ways. She wasn’t kind to me in some ways.

I’ve spent the afternoon dealing with stuff. I wanted to read but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I watched Friends instead. It made me laugh. My cousin called me while I was watching. I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t want to talk to him right then. He doesn’t get how bad things get for me. He thinks I am on the same level with him but I am not. I know my depression is worse than his because I have been hospitalized more times than him. I am also suicidal a lot of the time and he isn’t. He doesn’t understand that. We don’t talk about it.

I made an entry on Kindle for my book as an ebook for now. They wanted me to write a description of the book. I wrote one fricken line. I don’t even think it was a hundred characters. I am pathetic. I can’t even expand on my memoir. I am so frustrated. I know every writer has their own way of doing things, their own little perks. I wish I knew what mine was. Probably being concise. I remember when I started this blog, I could easily write 1500 words or more. Now I struggle sometimes just to write 300. I have lost something over the years. Maybe taking a writing class will help me. I don’t know.

I didn’t shower today or shave. I think I am going to try and trim my hair a little bit. I shaved some off the other day and it was too low. I have to go up so I plan on using the trimmer I bought to do the job. If I fuck it up, I will just wear a hat for a while until it grows back out in a week.

I mostly just ate junk food today. I did eat some turkey breast deli meat. It was all I wanted. I wasn’t too hungry today. I ate combos from my sister’s apartment. She was going to make me some pasta but I told her no. She was going to my neighbor’s for dinner and wanted me to come. I just didn’t feel like leaving the house today. I smell as I haven’t showered. I have been scared to take one as the last time I did, I slipped and hurt my knee. I almost fell. I am glad I didn’t do something bad with my knee, even though it hurt like hell. I have to buy a new shower mat. The one my sister has is too narrow. It doesn’t fit the bottom of the shower stall at all. My foot slipped on the part where there was no mat. I don’t know what she did with the other mat she had. She keeps on changing shit and it drives me fucking nuts.

I have 79 pages in my book and almost 12K words. I just need to write another 40-50 pages and I think I can call it done. I am going to include some trans lines and support resources that I got from What’s The T? by Juno Dawson. I think that will be a good thing. I got asked who is my audience and frankly I am thinking those that are transitioning as an adult but not really a young adult or teen. I might have an editor soon. I have two people that have come across. I think I will have two editors so that if one person misses something, it will be caught. The more eyes the better in the writing world. I was thinking of having my second book out just as an ebook. Problem is, I don’t know where the file is. I think it is on my old laptop that needs a new screen. I need to take it to a computer tech so I can get the files off the hard drive. Then I can junk it. This laptop is getting old but once it gets going, works pretty well. I have problems with Edge and even sometimes FireFox doesn’t load my email. I think it is a Microsoft issue. I just had an update on this thing so I am good for the next week or two. I had to do a hard reset the other day and lost part of my blog that I wrote because I didn’t save it. Learned my lesson.