How often do you walk or run?
I never run. I usually walk maybe 4 days a week. I don’t have a car so walking is my main mode of transportation. I can’t walk far but can get to the bus stops I need to go to.
Author: Midnight Demon
suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
Do you see yourself as a leader? #WPDP
Do you see yourself as a leader?
No, I don’t
a writing and reading Friday
Writing and reading Friday
I felt ok enough to leave the house for a couple of hours. I went to Starbucks to have coffee and have lunch. I made a turkey wrap before leaving the house. It was a nice day to be out. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription after I read a chapter. I wanted to read at least two but I was getting antsy and wanted to go home.
For some reason, my chest feels tight and I have some nerve pain going on. I just can’t seem to get the muscles in the middle of my chest to relax. I have moved my arms and tried stretching my trunk but nothing seems to help it. I feel tired now that I have been out. I want to make a burger on the grill again for dinner.
My pcp emailed me back today. I had asked the other day if I could donate blood after my recent blood work. My counts looked good to me and even though my iron studies looked a little better, I thought I was ok. She thinks I will be ok but wants me to take an iron supplement as my levels are still low to indicate anemia. I made an appointment for blood donation at the end of the month. I will be starting the iron again this weekend. I am to let her know if I get worsening constipation. I take senna every night so I am not worried.
Last night, a person I messaged about my book messaged back. We spent a good hour or so talking. She thought I was a trans woman as the group I got her name from is predominantly trans women. I corrected her and then she messaged saying that someone was looking for a trans man to talk about phalloplasty. I have no interest in this procedure. She did give me some ideas about what to write. She said she would look over what I had written so far and get back to me next week.
I was interested in finding more about queries as I know you need to “pitch” to publishing houses and the like. I went to the Grub Street site and they have an LGBTQ writers weekend coming up the end of October. I signed up for a few things that were free. I will sign up for a publishing thing when I get paid next. I hope it won’t be sold out by the time I get paid. I have no idea where in Boston it will be. I tried finding out but it doesn’t seem to list the location, unless I just can’t find it. I might call and find out. I know they moved from their Tremont Street location to somewhere in Back Bay I think. I am excited about this. Maybe I will meet some writing people that I can become friends with.
Feeling sad and dysphoric
I was able to keep my therapy appt today. We began EMDR which was kind of weird. She asked questions and I responded. Then she gave me some grounding stuff and appt was over. I went back to snooze until my cousin called to remind me to go grocery shopping. I picked up a few things. I most importantly bought turkey and burgers. I had a turkey roll up for lunch and am now making a burger for dinner.
There was a post by a hematologist I follow on twitter looking for blood donors. I sent a message to my pcp asking if my levels were OK for donating blood again. My iron levels were still low so not sure I can.
There was a MTF I met on Bluesky and I thought maybe we could be together but she is into women and I’m crushed. It set off some dysphoria. I feel sad. I am looking for someone but I am not. I just think it will be good to have a friend that I can talk to whenever and maybe have benefits with. My sexuality is all messed up. I don’t know if I want to be with a man or woman or MTF or what not. I still love being with a woman but but lately I’ve been thinking about penises so I don’t know what I want.
Last night or the night before I was up. I couldn’t sleep so read a chapter in critical Suicidology. It got the wheels turning so I wrote about 1300 words on my relationship with suicide. I don’t know if I should include it in the book I am writing. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I’m thinking about sending this to my psychiatrist and get his input. I don’t see him till Nov I think and don’t want to wait that long. I am in the process of trying to find an editor. The one I thought I had from FB turned out to be the wrong kind of editor I need. So frustrating. Someone recommended another editor on FB and his info was wrong. Ugh hope my friend’s friend works out. Finding an editor is hard. And can be expensive. I am hoping once I finish, I will query publishing houses or something. I will only use Amazon as my last resort.
midnightdemons7 
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