depressing and psychotic day

It’s been a depressing day for me. I also have been psychotic as I was late taking my pill today. I went out earlier than usual to get my espresso. I woke up feeling really hungover because I took extra Neurontin, hoping it would quiet my pain. No such luck, but it helped me sleep through the night, so that is a plus. While I was at Starbucks, I wrote in my journal and edited my book. I have 100 pages left to edit. I probably would have done more today but I was really tired, even after drinking the espresso.

Before I came home, I went to Walgreens. My mother needed her prescriptions and so did I. I also needed to get some cards. I was hoping they would have spaghetti and meatballs in their freezer section but they didn’t. When I came home, I made some pizza. I didn’t have lunch at Starbucks, though I probably should have. I was starving when I got home. I had a bagel before I left. I guess the extra Neurontin is making my appetite horrendous like it always does. I won’t be able to take it tonight because I need to drive tomorrow. I don’t want to be hungover and drive. That wouldn’t be good.

I have been feeling weepy today for some reason. I think it was because I was hungry. I feel better now that I ate, though I still feel depressed. It’s hard to feel anything else when the voices are calling you an asshole. That is all they are saying, over and over and over again. This weekend I was a turd and a dipshit. Now I’m an asshole. I wonder what names they will be calling me tomorrow. It’s so tiring to hear them day in and day out. It takes a lot of energy to block them out, which is why I am so tired.

My pain levels are, so far anyway, minimal. But it’s getting cold in my room so that might change. Doesn’t help that I still have the AC in my window. I never talk politics on my blog because I am idiot when it comes to it, but I still follow what goes on so I have some clue. When I was at the party Saturday, there was a guy that said he was voting for Trump because he liked him better than Hillary. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. You are at a married lesbian party and you are voting for an antigay guy?? What the hell do you think is going to happen to your friends if he gets elected? Their marriage will be void, they might have to go through torturous conversion therapy or worse. But yea, pick the child rapist over someone who has fought long and hard for the people in this country because she deleted 33000 emails. PFFTT. It gets me really upset that men are voting for this idiot because he is, well, a guy. That is all I will say on the matter.

I will be voting, hopefully, tomorrow. I wish it ended the shitshow but I still have a week and a day before that happens. Not that it truly is going to end. Trump will find any reason to be in the news long after the election is over. The media just eats him up like candy. It’s sickening.

The cake that I made on Saturday is gone. My therapist will have the very last piece. I guess my mother liked it because she has been eating it as well. If I can find another 10 inch pie plate, I will make it for Christmas and/or Thanksgiving.

As I am running low on my medication and won’t get a refill until Friday, I have decided to flip a coin as to which pill to take. This sucks so bad. I wish my other PCP was still at my doctor’s office. I wouldn’t be in this mess that I am in. He listened. He cared. Now I don’t have someone who has my back. Man, I am so depressed.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to depressing and psychotic day

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. I had to stop taking gabapentin because it didn’t do anything for the pain but instead I felt numb all the time. Now I’m taking CBD oil instead, and it really helps. It’s good you’re able to attend a party. And you’re getting work done too. You’re functioning. The voices are deluded!

    If that asshole Trump gets elected there will be civil war. I’m in the Deep South right now, and all I see is signs, bumper stickers, etc, absolutely everywhere. Even in campgrounds people are sticking those damn signs up at their campsites! I voted already. I’m registered in NC and I waited for early voting to open so I could vote before I left. At least I did my part. I hope every single LGBTQ? person votes this year!!!!

    • G. Collerone says:

      I hope so too. I would have thought MA would all vote one way. but I guess it’s divided. I really would hate what would happen to me if Trump is president. I’d probably be shot or nuked

  2. Maribelle says:

    Thinking of you since I can’t read or comment on the new blog. Still recovering from Hurricane Mathew. Hurt my foot. Diagnosed pre-diabetic. They say bad luck happens in three so I should be done now. Can’t sleep for the pain in my ankle and foot. Sending you peace and love.

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    I still cant believe trump got elected. he’s such an asshole. I really hoped Hilary would win.
    I hate the hungover feeling from meds.

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