Author: Midnight Demon

I did a few errands and put on three loads of laundry. Came home and was wicked sad. House just feels so empty without my mother.i went to my room to write this blog and my laptop wouldn’t work. I am so frustrated with it. Restarts take forever. I think I might have to buy a new one.

It’s like 80 degrees out. I have the binder on. I put it on after I showered. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night again and didn’t get back to sleep till after I went pee at like 6am. Then the bowels woke me up around 1030. I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom on time. My chest feels heavy today and I was short of breath while walking. I think I have fluid in my chest again as my chest isn’t as flat as it was. It is hard though so it might just be healing. I’ll find out Thurs when I see the surgeon.

I am wicked tired. Wicked sad. I need to take my recycling downstairs. Tomorrow I don’t have to do anything. My allergies are wicked bad today. Nose is all congested and my eyes keep tearing. I got to use Flonase again. I get in a routine of using it and then forget a few days. Nose has been hurting me for some reason past few days. I hate this season but I hate summer more. Can’t deal with heat.

I tried calling PT to make an appt for my foot but my phone wouldn’t connect for some reason. I’ll try tomorrow.

A happy Monday 15052023

This morning when I checked Twitter, I read some happy news. A very sucky pitcher got DFA’d! I am so happy. He was awful last year and continued to be this year. I am glad they got rid of him.

I had one cup of coffee before therapy. It was not enough as I wanted to just go back to sleep. I should have rather than have kept my appointment. I told her I skipped some stupid prompts on the handout she gave me and the way she reacted was typical of her. She pissed me off. I had to hear again how I had to change my behavior, to reach out more to groups and such rather than to my providers. She makes it seem like she can’t offer me support and it pisses me off.

I had another cup of coffee after therapy and ate the leftover cauliflower my niece made. She had gotten into it, even after I told her it was all mine. Least she saved me some. The water was being worked on today so I couldn’t shower. I will try tomorrow. I was supposed to go pick up my prescriptions today but I never made it out. I got lazy. I took a nap for a few hours. I really didn’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed.

I am having a little bit of chest discomfort tonight. I don’t know why. I haven’t put the binder back on yet. I am rebelling. I am so tired. I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game. They lost yesterday, actually, they lost all weekend. Three in a row. I don’t know if I can bear to hear another loss. Right now neither team has scored. I hope Houck (my favorite pitcher) can pitch well today.

I wanted to tell my therapist that I am planning on going to the hospital but I think it will be better for her to find out when I am in the emergency room. Fuck her. I am sick of her telling me to seek support all the time. Usually when I do, it isn’t a good experience. I better off on my own.

Lunch with my aunt

I got up early so I could have some coffee before my aunt picked me up for lunch. We went to one restaurant that is a family favorite but they weren’t open yet so we went to another place. I had steak and turf. It was ok. The steak was fatty so I didn’t really enjoy it. The shrimp was good though. My aunt had pasta with shrimp. She liked it. Afterwards she took me to stop and shop so I could get a few things. I just came home and I was tired. I woke up again around 2-230 and stayed up for a couple of hours before going back to sleep.

I am feeling ok. Last night I watched the country music awards. It was a good show. I was so happy I was crying. It was so good seeing the artists that I only knew on the radio. Lainey Wilson and Ashley McBride along with Jason Aldean are albums I need to get when I get paid next. Ashley performed a song called Bonfire at Tina’s and omg it was awesome seeing it live. My favorite song from Cole Swindell won. It is based on a Jo Dee Messina song that I love. I was so damn happy he won two awards for the song.

It is wicked warm in my room so I have my T shirt off and I am just wearing the stupid binder. No one has responded to my message about it yet. I hate wearing it. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night to sleep. It took a while to get to sleep. The award show was over around 2200. I checked my Twitter and stuff before turning in but I still had a hard time sleeping. Luckily my foot wasn’t bothering me like it was the other night. I finally have PT for it. I probably will have an appointment Monday.

I need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I think I will do that tomorrow. I am kind of tired and don’t feel like going out again. My nephew sent a pic of my mother where she actually smiled for the camera. I wish I could hug her one more time. I still have the memories of her abusing me. I wish I could tell her how I felt then that I was a boy when she started to “exam” my breasts when one was bigger than the other. She still took me to the doctors and I had to see a surgeon. At age 13. I wanted the damn things off not reduced. But I stayed quiet. No one asked how I felt about being a girl. I think I would have been happier had someone asked and then I could have transitioned sooner than at age 42. Now that I am transitioned at 47, I can’t share this with her.

It’s going to be a difficult weekend. Just hope I make it through ok.