Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

All day cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in CRPS, depression

Yesterday, I bought the ingredients for the chicken broccoli casserole. I wanted to try it again and see if I could reduce the time. Nope. Still took me more than a few hours. I started around 1pm and it was done around 6pm. It is worth it. I’ll be bringing my barber some tomorrow when I pick up my meds. I am donating blood so will probably drop it off before I enter the train station. He is like two doors up from the station. I love that his shop is so convenient.

I brought down some of the casserole to my sister’s as she didn’t have any the last time I made it. Her friend was over so they had some as well.

I didn’t shave like I wanted to. I was exhausted doing the steps of making this dish. It’s a lot of work. Making the chili cornbread casserole was easier. I will try and shave tomorrow before heading out. My cousin invited us over and I said I would go but I might be tired after donating blood. I will have at least 3 hours before I have to be at their house. Even with public transportation, it won’t take me that long to get there. I just forget the bus that goes by. I think it is the 117 but I’m not sure.

I had another rough night trying to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I was up until 6 or 7 this morning. I slept for a few more hours before getting up around 10-1030. I brushed my teeth. I forgot to yesterday. I really need to see a good dentist because my teeth are really starting to hurt, especially where the teeth are broken. I think I am going to email my former dentist and see if we can work out a payment plan of some kind. Not sure how I will get there as it is a long walk by public transportation. And I would have to cross a huge expressway. They have crosswalks but drivers like to run the lights so it can be dangerous.

Because I had been up and down on my feet all afternoon, my ankle is flared up. I washed the pots and pans as well as load the dishwasher. I should be able to sleep as long as my ankle pain doesn’t get worse. I never know how it will be anymore. It is totally unpredictable. Nature of CRPS.

Cultural heritage #WPDP

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?

I’d have to say their masonry and home gardening. I’m 100% Sicilian.

feeling sad, tired, and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Feeling sad, tired, and depressed

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I slept for about maybe 2.5-3 hours and then woke up around 0130. I tried going back to sleep several times but just couldn’t. I finished reading my book and increased the challenge to 16 books so I just have to read three more books for the year. I woke up around 9 and I needed to be up so I could get my prescriptions before my grocery delivery. I didn’t want to leave my bed. It was so hard to move. I felt so sluggish. Having coffee didn’t help. My cousin gave me food so I had the quiche and some sausages for breakfast. I only drank one cup of coffee. I figured if I go out to the Square, I can get Starbucks. I have been in the mood for lemon cake so I got that, too.

I got dressed and then checked the bus schedule. Bus would be here in like 8 mins. I was halfway out the door when I realized I forgot my earbuds. I went back to my room and still had time at the bus stop. I put the buds in and listened to Red TV again. I ordered a snickers latte and lemon loaf. I got them then went to the pharmacy for my meds. There wasn’t a line so I was in and out. The bus home would be there in like fifteen minutes. I drank my latte while I waited. I was saving the lemon loaf for home.

I wanted to write but couldn’t think of what to say. So I finally put the two questions I got from the CBT suicide ideation book into a word doc. Then I just stared at the questions and wondered if I should answer them and how. I am trying to tell myself there are no wrong answers. But then I think of all I went through last year with my suicide attempt and spending three months in the hospital. I had bad dreams about dialysis the other day. I don’t have specific memories just dreams of being on dialysis.

My groceries came and I brought some upstairs with the help of my niece and her boyfriend. My other niece helped me take the rest to my room. I was going to boil chicken in prep for tomorrow but I will just do every thing tomorrow. I plan on making the chicken broccoli casserole again. Now that everyone likes it, I think it will be a keeper. I just got to cut down on the different pans I use for it.

I feel depressed. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I hope I can sleep through the night. I am going to try and go to bed later tonight. I don’t know what I am going to read. I want to save Managing Suicide Risk for Starbucks. I have a baseball book I haven’t read yet. Maybe I will start that.

What brands do you associate with? #WPDP

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

What brands do you associate with?

For sneakers it’s New Balance. Jeans usually Wrangler. Those are the only brands I buy and Hanes for underwear.