Really Struggling

Really Struggling

I got mail today that just put fuel to the fire of the voices. They have increased ten-fold since I got more paperwork for my disability claim. I am scared that I might lose my SSD because I am “fit to work”. I will fight it as my therapist and psychiatrist knows that I am not. The voices have been telling me that I am a lazy ass and other criticizing stuff. They all just say that I should just end it all by taking all my meds. I am freaking out. I took some trilafon finally because I thought I could handle them without medication. Not today. Today I am too vulnerable because I am stressing about my MRI results. The neurosurgeon still hasn’t called me with results and I am getting worried that either something is wrong or no new is good news. I know he might be too busy to call and if he doesn’t call today, I will call his office again tomorrow. Or I might just go to the hospital and request my damn records.

I am sort of scared for my sanity right now more than my safety. If I didn’t have things to do next week, I would be in the ER right now. This new paperwork has thrown me over the edge. I haven’t done anything today. I was supposed to go to the store to get my PowerBall tickets but I haven’t. I am scared that I will have to talk to someone. I really don’t feel like getting dressed and the money isn’t even motivating me to get dressed so I can play. I have a get well card that I bought last week that I still haven’t mailed. My friend is probably well now but want to let him know I am thinking about him.

I had a good friend call me today as I was so upset. It didn’t do anything for the voices but helped to talk about my stresses. I had therapy today and my therapist was encouraging me to take my PRN meds. I sent her the blog I wrote so she knows I have been having the voices for a while now. I have asked her to call me but she hasn’t yet. I am wicked scared that she will suggest going to the ER. I really don’t want to be hospitalized only because I need to get my pain meds refilled next week and if I am in the hospital, I won’t get it. It will be a pain in the ass to figure out how to get it because I am in flux with new providers. And if I have to wait to be seen, I will run out. Last thing I need is to be out of my pain meds when I have been having so much more pain lately because of the weather.

The new paperwork that I got said that I need to call if things have changed. I called because things have changed. I am psychotic, I am awaiting my MRI results for new pain that I have, and I have seen a new doctor (well one that is new to them, not me). I wish my phone would fucking ring. I emailed my psychiatrist about all the stressors that I have, well that I have stressors, I didn’t specify which ones are triggering me right now. I think that she will find them silly or not important. Voices have confirmed this. Course they are also telling not to trust my psychiatrist of 20+ years. I just feel really out of it and my head hurts. The voices are so damn loud and they are murmuring to one another. I find this annoying because I rather know what they are saying. When they do talk to me, they are telling me to do stuff. I feel really anxious but I don’t think an Ativan will do anything for me.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Really Struggling

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I’m sorry I am so late reply8ing. Ativan does nothing for me either. I also get break through symptoms or some alters do even though we’re on antipsychotics. Its horrible. I hope they did not drive you too crazy. XX

  2. Witchy Woman says:

    Reading your post I wish there was a way I could help somehow, perhaps by getting those power ball tickets for you so you didn’t have to deal with anyone. I don’t have the voices but I feel alot of self-doubt, not the same but I know you’re scared. When sudden things pop up, we as bipolar individuals hate and loathe anything messing up our routine. I really do wish I could give you a hug:( you’re not alone!

  3. yes I am on antipsychotics but I still get breakthrough psychotic symptoms when I am stressed out. and I have a lot on my plate right now. this has been going on for at least a month now, maybe more. I haven’t been diagnosed with schizoaffective, just bipolar 2 but that might change. who knows. I just want relief from the voices right now. and my phone is still silent which isn’t helping to ease my anxiety/perturbation which just fuels the voices.

  4. I’m assuming that you’re on antipsychotics, but that’s just an assumption. Are you diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder? That diagnosis will keep you on disability permanently. If you’re having this much trouble with the voices, that might be the reason. Sorry to get all professional on you, I know I’m not supposed to do that, but I really like you and I hate to see you in so much pain. I have a little trouble with auditory hallucinations myself, and when it gets really loud it really drives me crazy. I can no longer take antipsychotics because of extrapyramidal side effects, and that has increased my suffering. I just have to try to block the noise in my head by putting on music, headphones. Other than that, just knocking myself out with meds, but since my mania usually coincides with the voices, sometimes there is nothing that will put me down except seroquel, which I can’t take.

    Fuck mental illness!!!

    I hope you get your MRI results tomorrow.

    xxx Laura

  5. Xeno says:

    hang in there. it’s rough sometimes when others don’t understand what it’s like to feel a bit messed up mentally. I’ve been there, maybe not as bad as you, but I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. hope everything works out for you!

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