I got mail today that just put fuel to the fire of the voices. They have increased ten-fold since I got more paperwork for my disability claim. I am scared that I might lose my SSD because I am “fit to work”. I will fight it as my therapist and psychiatrist knows that I am not. The voices have been telling me that I am a lazy ass and other criticizing stuff. They all just say that I should just end it all by taking all my meds. I am freaking out. I took some trilafon finally because I thought I could handle them without medication. Not today. Today I am too vulnerable because I am stressing about my MRI results. The neurosurgeon still hasn’t called me with results and I am getting worried that either something is wrong or no new is good news. I know he might be too busy to call and if he doesn’t call today, I will call his office again tomorrow. Or I might just go to the hospital and request my damn records.
I am sort of scared for my sanity right now more than my safety. If I didn’t have things to do next week, I would be in the ER right now. This new paperwork has thrown me over the edge. I haven’t done anything today. I was supposed to go to the store to get my PowerBall tickets but I haven’t. I am scared that I will have to talk to someone. I really don’t feel like getting dressed and the money isn’t even motivating me to get dressed so I can play. I have a get well card that I bought last week that I still haven’t mailed. My friend is probably well now but want to let him know I am thinking about him.
I had a good friend call me today as I was so upset. It didn’t do anything for the voices but helped to talk about my stresses. I had therapy today and my therapist was encouraging me to take my PRN meds. I sent her the blog I wrote so she knows I have been having the voices for a while now. I have asked her to call me but she hasn’t yet. I am wicked scared that she will suggest going to the ER. I really don’t want to be hospitalized only because I need to get my pain meds refilled next week and if I am in the hospital, I won’t get it. It will be a pain in the ass to figure out how to get it because I am in flux with new providers. And if I have to wait to be seen, I will run out. Last thing I need is to be out of my pain meds when I have been having so much more pain lately because of the weather.
The new paperwork that I got said that I need to call if things have changed. I called because things have changed. I am psychotic, I am awaiting my MRI results for new pain that I have, and I have seen a new doctor (well one that is new to them, not me). I wish my phone would fucking ring. I emailed my psychiatrist about all the stressors that I have, well that I have stressors, I didn’t specify which ones are triggering me right now. I think that she will find them silly or not important. Voices have confirmed this. Course they are also telling not to trust my psychiatrist of 20+ years. I just feel really out of it and my head hurts. The voices are so damn loud and they are murmuring to one another. I find this annoying because I rather know what they are saying. When they do talk to me, they are telling me to do stuff. I feel really anxious but I don’t think an Ativan will do anything for me.