I’m Still Up

I’m still up

I thought taking my meds at 2000 would knock me out. I just took some Neurontin, a bigger dose than I took last night. I hope it knocks me out. I only plan on having a conversation with my therapist tomorrow and playing powerball. I am conflicted on the payouts if I win. But I will worry about that when I am faced with it. Right now I am too busy spending my money by giving it away. I want to have more graduate program slots and internships for psych grads in the states, starting with the Catholic University of America and UMB. If possible, I want a suicide program in place at UMB for their psych department that is based on CAMS. Words won’t talk, but money will. This will be happening while I work on my bachelor’s degree. I am invested in finishing my degree at UMB because I am just 8 courses or so shy. I don’t want to start over some place else.

It’s so hard to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. The voices and demons are out tonight and it’s not even that late. I sent the other blog I wrote to my therapist. I am feeling out of sorts and I don’t like it. I am listening to Adele’s latest album. I don’t know why I am listening to it other than a song of hers was stuck in my head and I had to get rid of it. I think her other album, 21, was better than this garbage. Although, if you are in a morose mood, it is kind of soothing.

I hope the medication kicks in fast, but my luck I will be up till midnight. Maybe I should read for a bit. Dostoevsky can kill anyone. I got my Cognitive Therapy for Suicidal Patients book today. I ordered it before the new year and just got it today. I didn’t realize I ordered it from the UK. I was wondering why it was taking so damn long. I will have to look out for that next time I want a cheaper cost than what Amazon is selling. I could start reading that book but those books tend to wake me up and make me think. I need something that will dull the crap out of me.

My doc didn’t call me today. I am tempted to go to the hospital tomorrow and get the report myself. I am so impatient. What I would give to have access to my records right now. I tried my “Gateway” but they don’t even have the test entered as pending.

I’m going to try some Dostoevsky. If that doesn’t work, I am not sure what I will do.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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