I’m Still Up

I’m still up

I thought taking my meds at 2000 would knock me out. I just took some Neurontin, a bigger dose than I took last night. I hope it knocks me out. I only plan on having a conversation with my therapist tomorrow and playing powerball. I am conflicted on the payouts if I win. But I will worry about that when I am faced with it. Right now I am too busy spending my money by giving it away. I want to have more graduate program slots and internships for psych grads in the states, starting with the Catholic University of America and UMB. If possible, I want a suicide program in place at UMB for their psych department that is based on CAMS. Words won’t talk, but money will. This will be happening while I work on my bachelor’s degree. I am invested in finishing my degree at UMB because I am just 8 courses or so shy. I don’t want to start over some place else.

It’s so hard to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. The voices and demons are out tonight and it’s not even that late. I sent the other blog I wrote to my therapist. I am feeling out of sorts and I don’t like it. I am listening to Adele’s latest album. I don’t know why I am listening to it other than a song of hers was stuck in my head and I had to get rid of it. I think her other album, 21, was better than this garbage. Although, if you are in a morose mood, it is kind of soothing.

I hope the medication kicks in fast, but my luck I will be up till midnight. Maybe I should read for a bit. Dostoevsky can kill anyone. I got my Cognitive Therapy for Suicidal Patients book today. I ordered it before the new year and just got it today. I didn’t realize I ordered it from the UK. I was wondering why it was taking so damn long. I will have to look out for that next time I want a cheaper cost than what Amazon is selling. I could start reading that book but those books tend to wake me up and make me think. I need something that will dull the crap out of me.

My doc didn’t call me today. I am tempted to go to the hospital tomorrow and get the report myself. I am so impatient. What I would give to have access to my records right now. I tried my “Gateway” but they don’t even have the test entered as pending.

I’m going to try some Dostoevsky. If that doesn’t work, I am not sure what I will do.

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