Therapy, Zaps, Pain, and other things

I had therapy today. It went by fast as we had a lot to talk about. I finally told her about the voices and she wanted me to put a couple of PRNs in my pill box. I basically said whatever. I have no intention of doing so. The voices are under control so I don’t have to be medicated. I know the longer I stay not medicated, the worse off I could become. I am just waiting for my stress levels to come down some before so they can go away. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case. The longer I go without the results of my MRI the longer, I am freaking out. We talked about that as it was a huge stressor and my anxiety was through the roof even though I took an Ativan. I just couldn’t relax. Part of the reason is the noise of the machine. It startles me. Loud noises tend to do this to me. It’s part of the PTSD. I called the neurosurgeon’s office today and I hope to get a call tonight or tomorrow with the results.

We briefly talked about our anniversary. She lost count of the years so I had to remind her. It has been quite a journey to get to where we are today. I never thought we would be doing therapy on the phone but it’s better than nothing. I do see her at least once a month now that I have a Zipcar.

After therapy, I went to my father who called and was complaining where I was. I went there did his pills for a week and a half and then left. The nurse never called me about his medication adjustment so I just gave him one pill in each box. I wasn’t going to wait all day for the call. She will probably call in the morning with the result. I am guessing it’s normal as I haven’t heard anything. I don’t have to deal with him until next Thursday. I lied. I have a doctor’s appointment with him on next Tuesday. Fuck it never ends with this guy.

I am very tired as I have been up since 0400 and haven’t had a nap. I am very annoyed right now. My back is aching because it is snowing and my ankle keeps doing this curling thing that hurts really bad. It’s like a spasm. I have taken some pain meds and an Ativan for the spasms. The voices are telling me to do stuff and I can’t quite shut them off. I’ve had enough of this day. Now I am getting zaps. I want to cry. I want to die, mostly. I think if I take all my meds it should do the job nicely, minus my pain meds. I don’t want a Tylenol overdose. That will really wreck the liver and that is something I don’t want. Maybe I will just have a margarita and call it a day. I’d have wine but I don’t think we have any. Margarita it is. So what if I took my pain meds and an Ativan. I need sleep anyways. Course that will involve getting out of bed. I am not keen on that right now. I just want to sleep. Is that too much to ask?

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Therapy, Zaps, Pain, and other things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    were the zaps brain zaps? my friend gets those and says their terrible. i’m sorry that you had to deal with them and pain too. sucks. XX

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s