A Cramping Way to Start the Day

A cramping way to start the day

It’s 0400 and I just started the day with cramps in my calf and ankle. Lovely. I am still pissed off, but mostly because I am in pain. My left knee started hurting me while I in the MRI tube and now it’s hurting again. WTF. I didn’t do anything to it, no twisting or falling of the sorts. I think it’s just maybe a little hyperextended and that is why it is hurting. I wish I could undo it but I don’t know how. I will have to see a doc if this continues but I know they will just tell me to lose weight because that is the cure all for everything. I wish I could lose weight and I might. Last night while having my dinner/lunch I burned the roof of my mouth. It is very sore and I can feel a blister forming. I think I will just have soft foods today. I haven’t had a hard boiled egg in a while. Unfortunately, they don’t tend to fill me up too good unless I have it with toast.

I thought I would wake up in a better mood but my mood still sucks. I am just so angry and I don’t know why. I pity the person that pisses me off slightly. I still need to make that phone call about my account being blocked. I really hope I can get the paperwork I need without going to the office. I also need to call Humana to get un-enrolled in their plan because fucking Medicare couldn’t do it. UGH. I hate calling people because I fucking hate being on hold.

My eyes have been squirrely the past few days so I am now wearing my multifocal glasses. It’s helping. I really don’t want to go back to the eye doctor. I know he will say that I need new glasses. I do every year because my vision changes. Right now I can’t afford glasses so it will have to wait. I need to figure out some things before I can budget glasses. Once I do that then I will see my eye doc. I have been seeing him for more than 20 years. He is a good doc.

I’m debating texting my therapist that I am up and in a bad mood so don’t piss me off today. It’s kind of funny that in all the time that we have been talking on the phone, I haven’t hung up on her intentionally in more than five years now. I say that is impressive because she used to talk and talk and then I wouldn’t get a word in edge wise so it would piss me off. Or what she was saying would piss me off so I would hang up on her. She would always call back, sometimes madder than a hen. It was funny to me.

I need to get a haircut this month. I can’t afford one right now because my meds are fucking screwy. I need to tell my doc that she need to give me a 90 day supply of my meds because it is cheaper than a 30 day supply. It’s only for a few months anyways until whatever kicks in and then my meds are free, usually in June. I don’t know if she will trust me with a 90-day supply of meds. I don’t know if I can trust myself with a 90-day supply, especially with the voices running rampant. In the end it will be better for her because then she doesn’t have to give me refills so much with the new system. I fear that she is going to be mad at me but we will see. I was expecting the meds to be $10 not $20 when the new year started. This is for generics, too. I have been trying to get a 90-supply for my blood pressure medication for months but the idiots keep sending it off to the mail order place for a 30-day supply. So annoying. I see my NP next week so I will ask then for a 90-day supply.

My back and thigh are hurting me. I didn’t want to take pain pills this early but then I really don’t want to be up this early. I might do some writing. I just bought a 5 in 1 pen. It has blue, red, green, black, and a pencil. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the pens are fine point. I like a medium point. I wonder if I can change it out. Some times I like writing with a fine point but not all the time. I feel that if I put too much pressure on the pen, it will break. The pen makes me happy because now I don’t have to carry around three different pens. It will definitely come in handy when I start editing my book. I seriously need to start a story about the owls or maybe add the owls to my story but owls are really mean. Vultures are mean and destroy things. Maybe I can write about that. I don’t know. I am stuck where I am at and I want to get the words up to at least 2000. I am close at 1500.

Well, I am glad that I am awake. My bowels just exploded just as I got to the toilet. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. If I had been sleeping, I would have crapped myself. I can’t trust loose stool. Now I got to be careful when I fart or I might crap myself. Now I know I will be up a while longer, least until the pain meds kick in. I am hungry but I don’t want to be making anything. I just want to stay in my warm bed until the meds kick in. Maybe I will read Dostoevsky. I started “Brothers Karamazov” the other day. He writes his usual way. Long paragraphs and usually a ramble. I guess that is why this book is so long.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A Cramping Way to Start the Day

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    you are an early bird like I am. lol. so do you have ibs? that sucks. my dad has bowel issues. he’s going to the doc on tuesday to find out whats wrong. i’d go mental if i had bowel issues. that would make me so depressed. xX

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