Author: Midnight Demon

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. My third after 3pm to avoid taking a nap. My aunt was over the house. I have seen her more time the past few weeks than I’ve seen her in the past 3 years! I love her but holy fuck. And she is coming again tomorrow.

I’ve been in a mood most of the day. I woke up around 445a to pee and had a hard time going back to sleep. I just wanted to stay in bed but I had to make my mother lunch. I made asparagus and eggs for the first time. It came out good. My mother wanted cheese but we told her no because she is on restriction with salt. She wasn’t happy about it but oh well. My mood kept going down. I just wanted to be in my room. I snuck up after lunch. I need to shower but honestly don’t have the energy. I need to shave but don’t want to hog the bathroom. I am charging my trimmer as it has been a while since it was last charged.

I got my nephew to do my errand for me. That saved me taking four busses around the city. It is really nice out today. Tomorrow is suppose to be nicer.

I got a message from my pcp today. I had sent a message saying I’ve been fatigued more than usual the past week. She said if it continues, she will do some blood work but for now just keep an eye on it. Great. I really hate feeling like this. I’m tired all the fucking time. She said it could just be that I’m recovering from all that I’ve been through. I don’t know. I just want to fucking sleep all day.

Last night, I was reading the cognitive therapy book, and it was talking about phobias. I have a snake phobia. That is all that kept running through my mind as I am reading this chapter. Just a picture of a snake will send me running. I hope I can finish the chapter without being distracted by images of snakes.

I didn’t think I was gonna write today but today just sucks. I’ve been dealing with a lot today. My mother has fluid building up and we’re not sure if she has to go to the hospital yet. I’ve been dealing with gender dysphoria all day. I hate my body. 46 days can’t come fast enough. Then I talked with my mother because she seemed with it and it was a disaster. I told her I was amending my birth certificate and having surgery. All she said was it was hard because it’s been 40 years. Like, what?

Then my friend in South Dakota told me they just passed a bill on gender affirming care on anyone under 18. Fucking fuck. Why does the republican party hate us so much?? I am beyond pissed. I wish I could be there to protest the stupid bill and maybe kick some balls in.

But the really hard part of the day was hearing that my best friend’s mother, who has brain cancer, is entering hospice. Fuck. I feel so bad for my friend. I wish there was something I could do for him. I wish I had a car so I could hang out with him again. Fucking sucks sometimes not having one.

I hate feeling the way I do about my body, but I know change is around the corner. I feel wicked sad today, in more ways than one. I’ve been dealing with my mother most of the day. She hasn’t been feeling too good. It is hard to see and the swelling in her legs are terrible. I really hope we can avoid another hospitalization.

I feel so hurt that my mother will never accept me as her son. Or even see me as a man. She doesn’t feel sorry when she misgenders me even after I correct her. It really kills me. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. I just can’t let them be. She think this is hard for her, what about me? I have to deal with bullshit every day getting called a man then corrected to a “sorry miss.” All because of the fucking things on my chest. I feel like a freak some days because I have a beard and a chest that is so misconstruing who I am. I hate being in this body. Hate it so much. I hate me.