Author: Midnight Demon

Weird but fucking beautiful

I had a hard time sleeping last night so I read my new book. I just read the introduction. I will read more of it tonight. Even after I read the intro, I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind kept thinking about my mother and if I should go downstairs to check on her. I woke up around 10 to pee and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I think I got up around 1 to have coffee. I made chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. My mother didn’t eat too much. We saved what she didn’t eat. She said she would have it “later”.

I got an email from UMB financial aid office. I had to submit a disability form and I need a doctor’s note. What it is to say I have no idea as they didn’t give too much information on the website so I sent another email back to the office. It is becoming more real that I will be going back to college in the fall. I just hope that I will be able to afford it. That is my biggest worry.

Nineteen days till my top surgery. I am wicked excited. Tomorrow I see the surgeon. I just hope to god I can wake up early as it is a morning appointment. I am hoping nerves will wake me up and not keep me awake. I set my alarm so I am hoping to get up. I hate morning appointments. I wish I had a cab voucher but I don’t. They expired the end of Feb. I am supposed to get new ones but haven’t yet. I hope the program hasn’t been canceled.

I am feeling tired. Also feeling a little dysphoric as I can feel the weight on my chest from the things on it. I cannot wait till they come off. I don’t now if I am going to get nipples or not. I want small ones. I am going to tell the surgeon this. I just hope they are what I want. I also got to ask how long I will be wearing the compression vest or binder. I am not sure what I will be wearing. I am so nervous.

I got it!! My amended birth certificate arrived today!! I am so fucking excited!!

Crabby mood today

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I had set my alarm for 0830 so I could shower before the social worker or my aunt got here. It didn’t happen. I woke up and I was in such a fucking mood. My aunt came over and my mother was in bed. She was getting up as my aunt was here. My aunt looked at my mother’s legs and said somethings about it. Then she called my niece, not me, into the room. I got up to see how bad the swelling was and it wasn’t too bad. I have seen worse with my mother. My aunt immediately said that she wasn’t “fine”. I flipped at this point. I told her to stop her whining and shut up. She asked multiple times if I was serious. I was. I wasn’t going to deal with her bullshit today. She misgendered me the whole time she was trying to figure out if I was joking with her or not. That really made me so angry. I had my coffee in silence. I avoided talking to her as much as I could. My mother sat in the kitchen for maybe an hour and then had to lie back down again. My aunt left when she went back to bed. I was grateful.

The social worker came and we talked about things about my mother. I let my niece talk as much as she wanted to. I told her I was transgender and took my name down as I am the contact person while my sister is on her trip. It was similar to what I experienced with previous social workers. She brought up funeral arrangements and we said that my mother has a hard time with it and hasn’t given us clear information about it. I also said we haven’t talked about the spirituality piece. I don’t think she would like a chaplain coming to the house as we aren’t religious. It is too early for last rites and stuff.

I am in such a bad mood and I am trying to get out of it. I had a few cups of coffee. I am not sure if I had two or three cups. I have been feeling disconnected. I feel hurt with the misgendering the past few days. Doesn’t help that my leg has been hurting me and I can’t get comfortable to sleep. I didn’t go to PT today because I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want my niece to be alone. I was able to take a quick shower around lunch time. My mother had a late lunch. My cousin brought her Chinese food.

I wanted to see if my therapist had another time for this week but the time she has conflicts with my surgeon so I can’t see her. It’s ok. Maybe next week I can see her more than once. I just wanted more support as I am having a hard time with all the misgendering going on. I am trying to ignore it but it bothers me so much.

Game is not being played on the radio tonight and I am upset. My distraction is taken away from me. I might read tonight my new book. I might listen to Linkin Park instead. I don’t know. I hate when I have more than one option. It is cold in my room as it is windy out. I am wearing one of my sleeper shirts. It is light. I might have to throw on a long sleeve t-shirt.

I woke up later than I wanted to today. I was hoping to be up before my aunt came over but that wasn’t meant to be. I got up at 10, used the bathroom, and then went back to my room to take my meds. I went to make coffee after the Lansoprazole tablet dissolved in my mouth. I hate that it is an oral dissolving tablet. I had coffee and a Belvita sandwich cookie. I was so fucking tired. I just wanted to go back to bed, but I had therapy.

Therapy went slow. I wasn’t too talkative. I told her what happened at the FTM meeting and she wanted me to talk about it. It was hard because I couldn’t remember why I left exactly, only that I was triggered. My anxiety was up and I just couldn’t take the conversation anymore. I told her there was a March coming up and I think I will be attending it. Might be a place to meet some people. We also talked about trying to get my mother to use son more. I am working on it but it is sometimes an uphill battle.

After therapy, I came downstairs for another cup of coffee. My mother was still up. My niece made her lunch. My other niece heated up the baked cauliflower she made last night. It was so good. My older niece made a gravy (tomato sauce). It smells so good. Can’t wait to have it with pasta tonight. My aunt left and I went back upstairs to my room to listen to the ball game. They are currently winning 7-1. There was a scary at bat where Justin Turner got hit in the face with a fastball. He is at the hospital being treated. Hope he will be ok.

I am feeling kind of down today for some reason. I’ve had three cups of coffee today to try and avoid taking a nap. I am really nervous about seeing my surgeon this week. I talked a little in therapy about it. I am doing better than I was a few months ago so I think my surgery will proceed as planned. In exactly 3 weeks it is to happen. My only concern is whether to have nipples or not. I also want to know how long to wear the compression vest. I am nervous about this as i will have to wear it for at least a week, maybe two. I am worried I won’t be able to take something wrapped around my chest for that long. I’ve tried wearing a binder one day and it was really difficult. I remember how much I sweat while just going to the store and back. I hope I don’t have to go to the pharmacy while I am recovering from my surgery the first week. I am going to try and save some money for cab fare so I don’t have to take the T if I do have to go to the pharmacy. I should have cab vouchers by then I hope if the program is still running.

I plan on starting a book by Alfred Adler called Understanding Human Nature. I talked in therapy about him. He was the first analyst to break free from Freud. He did humanistic therapy which I find fascinating. I once edited a chapter about Adler for a counseling therapy book. I learned so much from it. I have the book somewhere. I was able to get a copy of it once it was published. One of my proudest moments.

Sunday Blog 03052023

I woke up earlier than I wanted because my mother wasn’t listening to my niece so I had to intervene. I gave her her meds this morning, including pain meds. She had a good day so far. She only laid down once while my aunt was here. I made her lunch. She only had half of a half a sandwich of tuna. She hasn’t been eating much the past few days.

I am tired as I didn’t sleep again last night. I was tossing and turning most of the night. I just couldn’t get comfortable. I had my usual two cups of coffee today. I think my Keurig is on its way out as the handle keeps making a weird clicking sound and sometimes doesn’t click when you close it. It has lasted three years. I don’t know the length of time it lasts but it still works for now.

My leg has been hurting most of the day today for some reason. I moved last night while turning over and my leg didn’t like it. I see PT on Tues so will have her look at it again. I might have pulled the same muscle or something. I feel like I twisted something though and it hurts. I need to put some heat on my thigh. It helped the last time.

I have therapy tomorrow. Some nurse is supposed to come and my aunt will be over again. I love my aunt but I wish she wouldn’t come over so much as she just wants to joke about everything and she tells the same things over and over again. She is in denial that my mother has memory issues and it is hard to deal with her when she insists my mother’s memory is fine when it isn’t. It bothers me so fucking much.

I still haven’t heard back from the financial aid office at UMB regarding my financial aid package. I think I will send them another email. I sort of have an idea of the courses that I will be taking in the fall. I am going to try for three courses and see if I can do it. If I am able, it would take 5 semesters to finish my degree.