Author: Midnight Demon

I rescheduled my eye exam because I didn’t feel like going out for the third day in a row. I spent the day in bed. I only got up to make coffee and asparagus. My niece has been watching my mother all day. I just can’t deal with her today. I am in one of my depressed moods where I just want to stay away from everyone. I thought about getting another appt with my therapist but that never goes well. I almost never talk.

My leg is still hurting me from PT yesterday. I keep meaning to put heat on it but haven’t yet. I just don’t want to move. Psychache is high today for some reason. Nothing really set it off. I just hurt inside. I feel wicked sad. I’m going back to bed.

I woke up early because the cable company called me to remind me they were coning. I had two cups of coffee but I didn’t eat anything. I wanted the Belvita biscuits but was too lazy to find them so I went without. My sister was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. She was getting things ready for our visitors today. Family and a friend were coming over for lunch.

It went OK. My sister made chicken cattitore and it came out really good. My friend brought over coffee cake so we had that for dessert. We talked about things. My two aunts kept arguing over who was right which got me annoyed as they kept yelling at each other. So stupid.

I left to go to PT. It was cold out as I waited for the bus. The PT thinks I overused my leg and that is why it is tight. I have to use a rolling pin and heat to calm it down. It is also why my knee is bothering me. The temp went further down after PT and it was really cold waiting for the bus. I listened to all too well again.

I bought Shania Twain’s new CD. I haven’t loaded it on my phone yet. I am kind of tired. I got a message from my doc saying my urine is fine. No infection. I told her I was fatigued more than usual. She said to give it a couple of days unless it gets worse. I am so tired of being tired all the time. I don’t know if it’s depression or something else.

I got new PT exercises to do. Fun. Last night I was checking my calendar for something and saw that my top surgery is now there. I am so frigging excited. It is going to happen.

J

And I might be okay but I’m not fine at all

I woke up a couple of hours before my therapy appointment. I had a couple cups of coffee and some cookies. My niece opened the turkey bacon so I made some for myself for breakfast. I had a nice turkey bacon sandwich with cheese.

Therapy went ok. We talked about being trans and how my mother just doesn’t want to accept me as her son. I talked about how painful it was and how I dealt with it through radical acceptance. I was pissed zoom once again got rid of my background of the Pride flag. I had to add it again. I don’t know why it keeps losing it. I also told her how difficult it was to have my mother’s memory not be good and she said that it could get worse as the cancer progresses. I have been delaying telling her about my top surgery because of this. I told her I had thought about the pros and cons of delaying my surgery because of her condition but if my sisters are going on a cruise the beginning of March, then fuck it, I am getting my surgery done. I also want to get it done ASAP in case the stupid GOP decides to infringe on me getting it, even though I am a friggin adult. I just feel bad for trans kids that are going through what they are. So fucking terrible to have them delay their transition due to transphobia. Breaks my heart because I know the suicide rate is going to go up because of it.

After my appointment, I scheduled a cab pick up so I could go to the hospital so I could give a urine sample to make sure I don’t have a UTI. There was traffic on the way there. I think the bridge was up as we just were not moving. I took the T home as I needed to go to the pharmacy and Starbucks. I needed a mocha so bad. I had four shot of espresso in my drink. I loved it.

I have been listening to All Too Well (10 min version) all day because Taylor won a Grammy for her movie of the song. I fricken love this song so much. The lyrics are so fucking on point. I am so fucking happy Taylor won a Grammy. Makes me happy to see her so successful. She will always be one of my favorite artists.

I am feeling very discouraged. I brought up the misgendering of my mother because it happened again today in a group chat. We were talking about radical acceptance. In a way I have accepted that I will never be called her son but the misgendering still bothers me. I can’t stand to be around her because I know she will call me a her or she. She doesn’t even try to correct herself anymore. I am just done with it.

I ordered Chinese food because I wanted Kung Pao chicken. I went for a walk with my sister today around the block and it made my heart rate go into the 130s. Now I am having chest pain. The pain is behind my breast tissue so I cannot even massage it to make it feel better. I will be so fucking joyful when these suckers are off me. 50 days until it happens. I feel like I will be a man again once these things are off my chest.

I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up to pee and then started sneezing. It woke me up. I read a bit, journaled, wrote in my book a page and a half. I didn’t go back to sleep until 5am. Then I got up at 11. I needed coffee bad. My aunt was over the house so I drank my coffee with them (my mother, nieces and sisters).

I am tired now but I am not going to go to sleep. I fear if I do, I will be up all night again. I went to bed around 9 last night and slept until my stupid bladder woke me up. I want to read another chapter in the cognitive therapy book. I am learning a lot even though the language is kind of stupid.

Tomorrow, I have therapy and will share with her what I learned so far. I got to take a shower before the appt. I think I will take one before bed tonight. I think it will relax me and make me more tired. I plan on using my Neutrogena shower gel that has a pleasant scent. That is a plan for the evening.