Crabby mood today
I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I had set my alarm for 0830 so I could shower before the social worker or my aunt got here. It didn’t happen. I woke up and I was in such a fucking mood. My aunt came over and my mother was in bed. She was getting up as my aunt was here. My aunt looked at my mother’s legs and said somethings about it. Then she called my niece, not me, into the room. I got up to see how bad the swelling was and it wasn’t too bad. I have seen worse with my mother. My aunt immediately said that she wasn’t “fine”. I flipped at this point. I told her to stop her whining and shut up. She asked multiple times if I was serious. I was. I wasn’t going to deal with her bullshit today. She misgendered me the whole time she was trying to figure out if I was joking with her or not. That really made me so angry. I had my coffee in silence. I avoided talking to her as much as I could. My mother sat in the kitchen for maybe an hour and then had to lie back down again. My aunt left when she went back to bed. I was grateful.
The social worker came and we talked about things about my mother. I let my niece talk as much as she wanted to. I told her I was transgender and took my name down as I am the contact person while my sister is on her trip. It was similar to what I experienced with previous social workers. She brought up funeral arrangements and we said that my mother has a hard time with it and hasn’t given us clear information about it. I also said we haven’t talked about the spirituality piece. I don’t think she would like a chaplain coming to the house as we aren’t religious. It is too early for last rites and stuff.
I am in such a bad mood and I am trying to get out of it. I had a few cups of coffee. I am not sure if I had two or three cups. I have been feeling disconnected. I feel hurt with the misgendering the past few days. Doesn’t help that my leg has been hurting me and I can’t get comfortable to sleep. I didn’t go to PT today because I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want my niece to be alone. I was able to take a quick shower around lunch time. My mother had a late lunch. My cousin brought her Chinese food.
I wanted to see if my therapist had another time for this week but the time she has conflicts with my surgeon so I can’t see her. It’s ok. Maybe next week I can see her more than once. I just wanted more support as I am having a hard time with all the misgendering going on. I am trying to ignore it but it bothers me so much.
Game is not being played on the radio tonight and I am upset. My distraction is taken away from me. I might read tonight my new book. I might listen to Linkin Park instead. I don’t know. I hate when I have more than one option. It is cold in my room as it is windy out. I am wearing one of my sleeper shirts. It is light. I might have to throw on a long sleeve t-shirt.