Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Saturday Blog 04022023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 04022023

My niece threw out my half and half because it expired so I had to buy a new one. I went to the grocery store and went a little crazy. I bought things as I went by shelves. I spent over $100 on the things. My Belvita cookies were on sale so I bought them and some Oreos. That was the only junk food I bought. Rest was like juice, steak, fruit, and of course, my half and half. I took a cab there and took it home to use the vouchers I have as they expire at the end of the month. I will use the voucher to go to the hosp on Monday rather than taking the T.

I am feeling a bit restless today. I got energy and I don’t know what to do with it. I am watching my mother as my sisters and nieces went out looking for dresses for the wedding. I suppose I should really look into getting a suit or tux for the wedding. I don’t know what my niece wants. I need to ask her.

I bought new socks with the Dewey decimal system on it. I love them. I got them from the Library of Congress. I can’t wait to wear them. I think I will on Monday when I go out next. I am so tired right now. I am watching my mother as she is resting in bed. She is not having a good day today. I saw her this morning and she looked terrible. I felt so bad. I have decided to let my cousins on my father’s side know of her diagnosis but I don’t know how to really do it. I have thought about calling them but I don’t know when a good time is for them. I wanted to tell them over zoom but they never responded to the message when I sent them a text.

OMG I will never again install an update before finishing my blog. It took nearly 2.5 hours to do! I was getting anxious thinking it was going to take all night to install the damn thing.

I have been reading Cognitive Therapy and the emotional disorders. It has been a good read so far and easy to understand. I like the book a lot. My new baseball history book arrived today. I plan on reading it after I finish the Cog therapy book. Baseball season will have started by then but it will be good to read anyways. I just hope I can read it before the games start.

do nothing Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Do nothing Friday

I didn’t want to get up today. It is freezing out and the wind it terrible. I finally got up around 2pm. I had coffee and some cookies. I was hungry. I ordered McD’s for me and my niece. My mother was sleeping on the couch earlier and then she went to bed when I got up. I checked her oxygen to make sure she didn’t need extra. I made something for my mother for dinner. Just heated up some leftovers.

While I was in bed, my thigh started to twitch. There was a group of muscles that kept on twitching. This went on for like a half hour or so. It was so bizarre. My muscle kind of hurts but it thankfully stopped twitching. My knee is hurting. It started yesterday for some reason. I have been staying off it for most of the day and being really careful when I am on the stairs.

I feel really depressed and tired. Yesterday I went out to lunch with my cousins on my father’s side and we had a good time. I told one of my cousins that my mother had cancer and I almost lost it. I just became really sad. My mother was having a good day yesterday so after we had lunch, my cousins came over the house to visit. It was a good time. We took a picture as we really don’t have many with my mother. It was nice. I was completely exhausted after they left. I watched my mother for a bit as my sister wanted to get her nails done. My mother wanted to go upstairs to her house so I stayed behind her as she climbed the stairs. It exhausted her. Then I helped her change in to her PJs.

I tried writing last night in my book but when I opened the document, it wasn’t where I left off. There are now 39 pages to the book and I have no idea how it got to be that many. I think the format of the book is making it longer but I am hesitant to add to it. I don’t know why I am scared to write more about my experiences being trans in this book. Maybe it is because it won’t be good enough. I don’t know. I am having my doubts about this book.

I am busy next week with appointments. Mon I have therapy and I need to go into the hosp to drop off a urine sample. I think I may have a UTI. Tues I have PT and Wed I have my eye appointment outside of Boston. Going to be fun going there by train and bus. I think the weather will be warmer so I won’t freeze. It will be an exhausting day. Just hope the train doesn’t have any delays that day.

Tiring day at PT

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, disability

I went to bed too early last night. I got your around 1130p to pee and then had a hard time falling back to sleep. I read the rest of my book. It helped to settle me down some. I drank a lot of poweade so I ended up having to pee again around 3am. It was difficult to go back to sleep.

I woke up with my med alarm. I shut it off and went to sleep for a few hours. I forgot about my grocery delivery. I am glad it came in the afternoon and not the morning or I would have missed it. I took a shower before it came. It tired me out but I had the perfect hot water temp so it was soothing.

I made some boiled eggs for lunch. I didn’t know what else to make. I had three cups of coffee. I was hyper when I left for PT. The bus was a little late, so I was literally on time for my appt. We did some work on the machines with increasing resistance. It killed my legs. Then she had me on a rolling chair to do some more leg work. My calves were killing me. Legs feel so sore right now.

I came home and made a spicy bean burger for dinner. My niece gave me one of her papusas which was really good.

My mother didn’t have a good day. She was tired and in pain. We had the appt with the medical oncologist, and it didn’t go very well. My aunt misinterpreted what he said and got really upset. She was yelling at my mother to get more care, and my mother ignored her. I think my mother has given up, and it has been hard to see. She just doesn’t care. She will do things if she is up to it. Otherwise, it is up to one of us to help her do things. We are seeking an opinion from radiation oncology, but the med oncologist said they only do things if you have symptoms and my mother doesn’t at the present time. It has been a hard day for me. I’ve been really sad and alternating with caring and not caring. I’ve never gotten along with my mother and I don’t think we ever will.

I almost wrote something in my book last night, but when I wrote it in the journal, it was only a paragraph, so I nixed the idea. I really am struggling to write this book.