Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Reese’s dark thins and Linkin Park kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Reese’s dark thins and Linkin Park kind of day

Today has been a rough day. I had to cancel my PT appointment because someone needed to be with my mother and my niece had left to get her hair done. I had to spend the time with my two aunts who did nothing but talk about shit I didn’t give a fuck about. One of my aunts left around 3 so I was left with the drama aunt, who started crying while talking about my mother’s illness. She just made me feel icky. I hate when she is here because she always talk about people I don’t know and who generally did her wrong. Drives me crazy.

She finally left because her son came and got her. My mother was having a really bad pain day. She was in bed most of the day. She got up around dinner time. I heated up some pasta for her. She ate it all which was good because she didn’t eat much lunch.

After dinner, she went to the living room and I went to my room to write this blog. I am blasting Linkin Park along with their new song Lost. This song is so me right now. The lyrics are resonating with me so much. The new album comes out 24th of March. I cannot wait. It is the 20th anniversary of the Meteora album, which I think is their best album.

I took the Latuda early last night because I had a good meal. I think I took it too early though because I woke up around 1130pm and was up till around 5am this morning. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself as I couldn’t sleep. I read a couple of chapters of the cognitive therapy book, I colored, and listened to music. I just couldn’t really fall asleep. It was awful.

My prescription is finally ready at the pharmacy. I will pick it up tomorrow. I will go to Starbucks, too. I could use a mocha. I might bring my book with me so I can read for a bit to get out of the house for a little bit. I might be done with the book this week if I keep up with it. I have like two chapters left.

Same shit, different day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I got up kind of late. I made a cup of coffee and then asked what my mother wanted for lunch. She said she wanted a sandwich so she had the leftover from yesterday. I went back to my room until I got hungry. Made a salami sandwich and more coffee.

I wanted to go out today but had trouble doing so. I finally went to the pharmacy to get my sister’s prescription and some candy. I wanted Cadbury’s mini eggs, but the store wasn’t selling Easter candy yet. I’ll get some tomorrow at another pharmacy when I get my prescription, which I hope will be ready to be picked up. I’ve been waiting three days already.

I have PT tomorrow. The office was supposed to call me for more appts but they haven’t yet. I will remind my PT about this. She wants to have another three more appts. Hope I will be ready by my surgery. It will be tough because walking up the little hill to my house was rough. I got wicked out of breath. My heart rate was good though.

I am going to take a nap before I take my night meds. I am really tired. The walk wore me out.

Headaches are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, gender dysphoria

When I was in the psych hosp in mid-October, I started getting sharp headaches in the middle of the night. They were so bad, I thought my brain was splitting in two. After about 15 mins they would go away. I thought they were migraine activity so I took migraine meds for them but it didn’t help. This morning, I woke up with the same headache. The initial pain went away but now there is this ache around my head.

It’s 6am. I had to go pee as my headache woke me up. I am staying up because why not. I am listening to Taylor’s version of Fearless. One of my favorite albums. I am listening via ear buds as I don’t want to wake up anyone. I am debating on making coffee.

Last night, I got really upset, mostly at myself. I gave my mother dinner and she went to the fridge by herself. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t watch her. Then as she leaves the kitchen she asks if she took her insulin. Fuck. I don’t know if she took it while she was at the fridge or not. My middle sister reprimanded me when she found out, saying I have to watch her all the time. Uh, sorry I don’t have eyes in the back of my head! I go upstairs kicking myself for not being aware. Then my baby sister calls me and tells me it is important to watch her. WTF. I hung up on her saying I am not going to be reprimanded by the two of you. I already felt bad. I know it is important my mother takes her insulin. I am not an idiot. I am getting burned out taking care of her all the time. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in my room and do nothing but read my book and maybe write. I was able to read my book but I really didn’t write like I wanted to. I had gotten so fed up I wanted to go for a walk but I did curls with weights instead. That helped.

I have therapy today. Definitely going to talk about this, the burnout not so much the incident with the insulin. I care for my mother but at the same time I want to get away from her. Her not respecting my pronouns is one part of it. Just bothers me so much. This weekend I’ve been really sensitive as the gender dysphoria has been in high gear.

Today I’m going to try to just drink Ensure in an effort to lose some weight. I’ve gained five pounds because I haven’t been watching what I eat. Eating a whole pizza didn’t help matters. I want to lose at least fifteen pounds before my surgery. I have to start putting a serious effort into this. It is so hard for me to diet because soon as I say the word, I hit the bad foods. I hate dieting but if I want to lose weight, I have to do something.

I wasn’t sure I was going to have therapy today because my mother was having pain upon breathing and needed oxygen. She was having pain all over and rated it as a 20. Thankfully some ibuprofen calmed things down. I had therapy but told my therapist I needed to have the phone near me in case my niece texted she needed me. We talked about the care my mother needs and again about her misgendering me and not accepting me as a male. I am really trying to not let it get to me but when I have gender dysphoria like I’ve had the past few days, it is harder to let things go.

My sister told my mother if she wasn’t feeling that good that she should go to the hospital and my mother “magically” felt better. She ate lunch and was moaning a little bit but not as bad as the morning. I was glad she was feeling better even though she was still on oxygen. I made some chicken breasts for my lunch and for my mother so she could have chicken salad if she wants tomorrow.

My leg is hurting me for some reason. It keeps cramping when I lie down. Been trying to stretch it out. I just took some more Robaxin for some relief as my chest muscles hurt as well. I am so fucking tired. The added stress of this morning didn’t help matters. Hope I can rest tonight and read a chapter of the cognitive therapy book. Got to keep my intellectual brain working.

Saturday Blog 11022023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 11022023

I got up later than I had planned today. I woke up around midnight to pee and found it difficult to get back to sleep. Then when I did, I didn’t want to get up. I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth. Then had two cups of coffee. While having my second one, my aunt came over. We got a lot of visitors today. My mother’s friend came over, then my cousins and her kids. It was a fun afternoon but tiring. I am done with having visitors over the house. It is exhausting hosting someone every day.

My mother’s friend had asked about who “G” was. I had to explain that I was trans and then she implied that it was the “in thing” to do. WTF. Didn’t help my aunt was using the wrong fucking pronouns. I was so annoyed. I had shaved off my beard and should have kept it. It was just getting itchy so I had to shave it off.

The rest of the day went ok. It was better when everyone left. My mother laid down so a few people left and then she went back to the kitchen only to go to the living room. She was like a fucking yo-yo. I had ordered pizza for dinner and ate nearly the entire thing myself. It was so fucking good. My mother had leftover lasagna. Then she had wine.

I was full after eating all the pizza. I was also tired from everything. I had to take a nap so I didn’t write this right away. I thought about what to write but I don’t know what my problem is lately. I seem to be in this standstill of having an idea of what to write but being afraid to write it. I get frozen. And then I don’t write anything. So frustrating.