Midnight Demon

I will always be afraid of the damage I’ve received

Sun,19 Feb,2023, 18:22 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I will always be afraid of the damage I’ve received

Still listening to Lost. Today has been a hard day. I was watching my mother. My aunt came over and we talked about things. My mother was okay and then she wasn’t. My aunt broke down crying while my other aunt, who brought a friend over the house, watched. I am really upset that my aunt brought someone over the house while my mother wasn’t feeling good. I mean, what the fuck. I am so tired.

I took a shower because I sweated all night again. I don’t know if someone touched the heat, but it went on and my room got so fucking hot. I slept without a shirt on most of the night. I kept waking up during the night. It was so hard sleeping. Then when I did sleep, I had the weirdest dreams.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I feel wired. I have changed my music back to Red TV. I needed to listen to Taylor. I feel like going to the store to get some chips. I am kind of hungry despite eating a cheeseburger.

I have a busy week. I have therapy Tues, PT Wed, and an eye appointment Thurs. I need to get my eyes examined because I think I have dry eyes again. My eyes have been feeling sticky in the morning and throughout the day. Hopefully eye drops will help. I can’t wait for therapy because of everything that has happened the past few days. I feel like I am shutting down. It is hard watching someone be in horrific pain every day and moan. Just fucking sucks.

I am feeling pressured to feel when I don’t know what I am feeling. Most of the time, I feel numb or really sad. Today I felt anger at my aunt for being stupid. I still feel anger when I think about her. I just cannot stand this aunt. I feel helpless when I am caring for this woman that I don’t even like (my mom). It is so hard sorting out how to feel about this. At the same time, I don’t care. Or I don’t want to care. I care for her because it is expected of me. I don’t want the woman to fall or be alone too long. It gets tiring though. I have to watch her again tonight because my sisters are going to the movies. It just never ends. I will always worry about her. I have since I was a kid. I have taken care of her as a kid. It was my job to do it.

I am having an issue with UMB. They refuse (so far) to change my name in the system so I have to use my dead name as my email address. I still don’t have access to the system because I don’t have a password. I will try and call the IT dept Tuesday as the office is closed tomorrow. I hope this isn’t going to be a big issue for them. I don’t see how it is logical to use a name that is no longer valid.

Lost

Sat,18 Feb,2023, 16:58 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Lost

Song by Linkin Park

Just a scar somewhere down inside of me
Something I cannot repair
Even though it will always be
I pretend it isn’t there (this is how I feel)
I’m trapped in yesterday (just stay out of my way)
Where the pain is all I know (this is all I know)

And I’ll never break away (can’t break free)
‘Cause when I’m alone

I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion

But I’m tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I’ve received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed (this is all I know)

I will never break away (can’t break free)
‘Cause when I’m alone

I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion

I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright
I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright
(I’m lost) I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright
(I’m lost) I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright

I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion

I have been listening to this song all week on repeat. It sums up how I feel. I have had a shit week where my mother hasn’t been feeling good. It has been hard to see. I seriously thought we would have to take her to the hospital but she felt better yesterday. Today she feels awful again. Watching her has been so hard. I was able to get out of the house for a little bit on Thursday to pick up my prescription. I took a shower that day. I need to take another one today as the heat was on high all night and I was sweating so bad.

I have been shutting down the past few days. It has been hard to write how I feel. I am not really sure I know how I feel. I just feel so numb at times. Listening to Linkin Park’s Meteora’s album has been helping me cope as the lyrics are how I have been feeling. It is just a perfect album to feeling turmoil. Lost just adds to it. I cannot wait for the 20^th Anniversary edition to come out.

I need to do my meds for the week. My primary doc sent the wrong formulary of my stomach pill so instead of capsules, I have oral dissolving tablets. I hate them so much. I specifically asked for capsules and got these stupid tablets. UGH. Now I got to wait 90 days to order the right ones.

I didn’t sleep well last night because it was so fricken hot in my room. I woke up around 5 to pee and had a very hard time going back to sleep. Yesterday I spent all day in bed. I just couldn’t face the day. We had family over the house, again, and it has just been too much. Every other day my aunt comes over. Or both aunts will and then they argue over stupid shit, mostly who is right and who is wrong. It is tiring.