Author: Midnight Demon

23 Feb 23

I found out today that my mother has a few months left to live. I am devastated by this. I haven’t been sleeping at night. Things have been hurting a lot more, physically and mentally. Last night I had a flare of pain and it took forever to calm down. My foot bones hurt so bad. I just sent a message to my primary asking for opiate therapy to be reinitiated again. I don’t know why I was taken off my pain meds while in the hospital. Emotionally I am sad and frustrated and angry.

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I played with my phone and then I colored a picture in my coloring book. I find that coloring dinosaurs helps me. I didn’t go back to bed until around 5am. I knew the hospice nurse was coming today and I didn’t want to be introduced as daughter so I stayed upstairs.

I don’t know if it is because I am in a depressed state or what, but being misgendered by my mother isn’t bothering me as much. I have accepted she will never see me as her son as painful as that is. I felt this until gender dysphoria kicked in and I hated my boobs. Then she called me she and I said he. She was like “oh yeah”. Ugh.

I’ve had to contact the registrar at UMB again. I have access to the system but there is no information. I have just a blank screen. I am glad I am sorting out the bugs before my advising appointment. I still plan on going part time, taking two classes. I know one of them will be Italian 101 as I need a language and it time has passed too long. They have a rule that only a semester can pass before taking 102 language for their language requirement. I will have to contact Dell about getting a new battery for my laptop because it doesn’t hold a charge anymore. I have about 15 mins now if I take it off the charger. Sucks. No idea how much that will cost and if I will be able to do it myself. Just hope it isn’t complicated.

I was able to make another session with my therapist for tomorrow. I am glad because I really could use the support with this information. I really thought my mother would have at least a year. I feel bad for my niece who isn’t going to have her grandmother at her wedding. After therapy, I need to go pick up my prescriptions. I will stop at Starbucks for my mocha. I might get my haircut tomorrow. Depends how I feel and if my barber has time.

I’ve been watching Rizzoli and Isles the past few hours and loving it.

I had therapy today. We talked about trans issues most of the time. She wants me to join an FTM group. She thinks because I am around my family too much, it is affecting the dysphoria. I have dialectical feelings about my mother. She called me daughter at least three times today. It upset me. I’ve been trying to use radical acceptance to deal with it. It is hard because I know my mother will never see me as her son.

I went grocery shopping after therapy. I was out of half and half. I used a voucher and the cab driver on the return home gave me a hard time. I don’t know why.

My mother was ok today. We didn’t have visitors because the weather was snowing. Supposed to be cold this week. We’ll see.

Nobody’s Listening

Song by Linkin Park

Lyrics

Come, come, come, come, coming at you
Come, coming at you, come, coming at you

Yo, peep the style and the kids checking for it
The number one question is how could you ignore it?
We drop right back in the cut over basement tracks
With raps that got you backing this up like
Rewind that we’re just rolling with the rhythm
Rise from the ashes of stylistic division

With these non-stop lyrics of life living
Not to be forgotten but still unforgiven
But in the meantime there are those who wanna talk this and that
So I suppose that it gets to a point where feelings gotta get hurt
And get dirty with the people spreading the dirt, it goes

Try to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t want to hear me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
And everything left’s a waste of time
I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more
I’m ridin’ on the back of this pressure
Guessin’ that it’s better I can’t keep myself together

Because all of this stress gave me somethin’ to write on
The pain gave me somethin’ I could set my sights on
You never forget the blood, sweat, and tears
The uphill struggle over years, the fear
And trash talkin’ and the people it was to
And the people that started it, just like you

Try to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t want to hear me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
Uphill struggle, blood, sweat, and tears
Nothing to gain, everything to fear
Heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
Uphill struggle, blood, sweat, and tears
Nothing to gain, everything to fear
Heart full of pain

Try to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t want to hear me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress (nobody’s listening)
Handful of anger held in my chest (nobody’s listening)
Uphill struggle, blood, sweat, and tears (nobody’s listening)
Nothin’ to gain, everything to fear (nobody’s listening)

Come, come, come, come, coming at you
Come, coming, come, come, coming at you
Come, coming, come, come, coming at
Come, come, come, come, coming at you from every side

This song is in my head as I can’t seem to sleep tonight. I got a pain in my chest. Not an actual physical pain but a psychache kind of pain. I got my mother on my mind. I have been tossing and turning the past couple of hours. I finally gave up and took some Ativan to try and get some sleep.

I started re-reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s Unquiet Mind. It is her memoir. I forgot how much she writes and goes off on tangents sometimes. I get it. I used to. It amazes me that when I first started writing my blog, I was writing 1500 words or more each day or every other day. Now I am lucky if I get 300 words written. I was much freer with my words than I am now. I seemed to have closed up over the years, more so in the last few months as I am still recovering from my suicide attempt that I spent two months in the medical floor and one month in the psych unit. My mind still struggles to grasp at feelings. Most of the time, I don’t feel anything but numbness. As my mother gets sicker, I am getting more jaded and irritable at times. I want to be left alone.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I started writing another book. This one is a trans memoir. I started writing it because a nurse on the unit wanted me to write, thinking it will be good. I have no direction for this book. It is a hodgepodge of writing right now. No clear chapters or anything. Not a complete mess but I am working on it slowly. I figure I will write more when I am recovering from top surgery. That is the goal anyways. I had an aunt yesterday ask me why am I having surgery as men “have boobs”. WTF how stupid can you be? I was really offended by the question. I’ve been wanting this surgery since I was 13. I’ve waited a long time for this. In thirty-five days, I will have it done.