Author: Midnight Demon

I was able to get up early but not before family came over. Both my aunts came and stayed for hours. My cousins were.over too so our kitchen was full. I had three cups of coffee. My mother bought pizza for us. It was a nice lunch. Then my cousin took me to get my prescriptions. I also got dark chocolate eggs as I really wanted them. I love dark chocolate.

When I came home, one aunt left. The other one was on the phone with dryer repair center. She left after the phone call. As she was leaving, she took hold of my face and thanked me for caring for my mother and then started crying. She is so dramatic.

I am feeling depressed today. Just want to be hiding in my room. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. My foot/ankle was throbbing. I read for three hours as I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t feel like coloring. I didn’t want to be on my phone. Besides it had been a while since I picked up the book.

I joined a top surgery support group on Facebook and got information about how it will be post op. I think I can manage on my own. I am just worried I won’t be able to wipe myself in the bathroom. They recommended I get shower wipes. I had some but don’t remember where I put them. I put them in the “place I will remember” drawer/cabinet whatever. They also recommended a wedge pillow which I have. I guess sleeping sitting up is going to be a thing for a few days. I am expecting it as I will have drains for a week. I just hope I don’t get dog ears. Surgery is in 28 days. I cannot fricken wait.

I have my pdoc and therapy appt tomorrow. Going to be a busy day. Snow is in the forecast so I don’t think we will have company. That is our saving grace at this point. I forgot to get half and half. Might brace the weather tomorrow if it isn’t icy out to get some more. I have PT on Wed so I can get it then, too.

My mother is having a bad day. It is hard seeing her in a lot of pain. I feel bad and sad. I listened to the game. It helped but I missed the walk off as I was helping my sister with my mother. I can’t believe they are having 9 inning games at Spring Training. Usually they have just 7 innings. I am happy because that means more baseball.

I slept through the night. I woke up around 9 to pee and was up but I stayed in bed. I had my coffee and then I made some veggies before they went bad. I overcooked the broccoli because I wasn’t keeping an eye on it. Oh well. My mother likes it mushy anyways. My sister made eggplant so had some of it. It was good.

I got to be up early tomorrow before it gets bad out as we are in a winter advisory right now. I got to get my meds before I run out. That’s if I can get up in the morning. So hard. I love sleeping in.

It has been a week since I left the house. Just don’t feel like going out. I’d rather stay in my room. I finally connected to a couple of FTM support groups on Facebook. It is helping. I also sent a message to my crps support group as it has been a long while since I last posted.

I am tired. Always have no energy day in and day out. Depression sucks. I sent an update email to my psych. I hadn’t written to her in a while. I still need to shower. Maybe I will now that my mother is sleeping.

Saturday Blog 25022023

Baseball is back!! I am finally listening to the game again. Sox are currently leading 1-0. They are playing the Braves. Game doesn’t really count as it is a spring training game but man, I miss listening to hit, strikes, and balls.

I am hating myself for some reason today. I just feel disgusted with myself. I got up late. I woke up in the middle of the night but I didn’t get up. I just laid down. I kept on having weird dreams. It was pretty much the same dream. I was at MIT doing something. I kept having to wait for a service representative. Then I took the #1 bus to Harvard to catch the train home or somewhere. I don’t know where I was going. I know I had to pee. I woke up and had to go really bad. I got up to go. When I came back to my room, I took my meds and just laid back down again.

It’s another freezing day out and I don’t know if the walking is better than yesterday so I am not going out. I don’t want to risk falling on ice. I will have to pick up my prescription maybe tomorrow. I am not sure though because snow is in the forecast. Sucks I can’t take a cab to the Square to the pharmacy. I can only go get food with it or go to medical appointments.

I am debating taking a shower today. It has been a couple days since I last took one. Doesn’t look like it will be today though as my sister just told me she is going out so I need to watch my ailing mother. She is in bed right now so I think she is ok for right now. My back is killing me because of the temp drop. My spine is just aching me. I’ve been taking ibuprofen for it but it doesn’t seem to be helping me like it has in the past. This is the first time this winter the temps have been below 30 degrees so we have had a good winter.

I’ve been feeling like crying the past couple of hours. My cousin cut my hair today and I was overwhelmed with sadness. I had therapy today. I told my therapist what the hospice nurse said. She just let me talk. She also wants me to post more in the FTM support group I joined. I posted today because I got dead named twice today, once from my aunt and the other by my mother. It has been a hard day.

My mother has been having a good day. She hasn’t been in too much pain and has been sitting in the kitchen for most of the afternoon. I made her lunch and dinner. I suck at making grilled cheese sandwiches. I burned it. I always seem to do that.

I feel really sad. I am tired. I didn’t sleep again last night. I woke up needing to pee and had such a hard time getting back to sleep. Then my phone kept going off. I maybe got 2 hours after 7am. I wanted to get my prescriptions but it was slippery out so I didn’t go. I might go tomorrow.

I don’t know if it is because of the weather but my lower spine has been aching really bad. Part of the reason I couldn’t go back to sleep was because I was in pain. It hurt to move. My legs were aching so bad. I had something to eat around 430am so I could take some ibuprofen. I wanted to make eggs but didn’t want to clean up so I never made them.

My ankle and foot have been hurting me for most of the day. I haven’t gotten a response from my pcp because she is out of the office. I should hopefully have one next week. I need to take something for this pain. It is driving me nuts and contributing to the depression.

Sister wants me to do more around the house because I am letting my niece do things and she is getting stressed. Yet when I ask her how she is, I get no fucking response so how am I to know?? I am to let her have breaks. How when she doesn’t want to leave the house?? I don’t fucking get it. It makes me feel bad. I don’t know what to do.

I pulled my chest muscle somehow today and it hurts really bad. I have no idea how I did it. Just add it to the psychache I feel. Just feel really crummy.