Author: Midnight Demon

Psych appointment and other things

I had an appointment today with my psychiatrist. He was pretty worried about me. I told him how things were and how anxious I was about the intrusive memories I have been getting. I asked for Ativan and he gave it to me. Because they are still being cautious with me, I only got a two week supply of my meds, which sucks. I just hope they don’t do this in the new year because the Latuda will cost me $60/month otherwise and I won’t be able to afford that.

I realized when I picked up my meds that I need to renew my driver’s license. It expires on my birthday, which is this month. I just tried to update it and the stupid thing crashed on me. I think I have to go in person. Fucking a. all because of the stupid REAL ID bullshit. I had to submit my birth certificate which still has my sex as female and dead name. I couldn’t use my passport because it is expired.

I need to go back to the pharmacy tonight to get my Covid booster and pick up the other meds that I couldn’t pick up at the other pharmacy. My back has been in spasms all day today for whatever reason so I had to take methocarbamol, a muscle relaxant. It has helped.

I took a shower today and that didn’t help my back troubles. Even while I was in the hospital and took a shower, my back cramped up on me. My feet also cramped today. I have been getting a lot of foot cramps lately and I don’t know why as I have been taking magnesium supplements since coming home from the hospital.

It’s almost 6pm and I am starting to lose gas. I am feeling really sleepy and tired. Every single night at this time I feel like taking a nap. In the hospital, I just fell asleep and then woke up to take my night meds. Sometimes I would be up for a little bit and other times I just went back to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night. Then I would be up for the whole day. Pattern hasn’t changed, though while I have been home, I have avoided going to bed at this time. I still wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but most of the time I am up for the remainder of the day, which sucks.

I am so glad tomorrow I don’t have to do anything but see the visiting nurse. I don’t know how long I will see her. I will ask tomorrow. I don’t feel I need to see her anymore. I am doing ok on my own and it isn’t like she is offering me a huge support anyways. I plan on just reading the Linehan memoir and finish it before the weekend. I started reading Dune while in the hospital. I finished the first book. I didn’t feel like starting the second book. I didn’t realize it was broken down by books. It is a big book to read but it is very interesting with its subplots.

Am I good enough?

Tonight I texted a best friend. I told him that I credited him with saving my life. He responded saying that I did the same for him. I was there when he needed someone. I started thinking about my good bye letters that I had written more than a year ago. I had written one to him as he doesn’t always see things online and if someone had posted my passing he would miss it. I have been thinking about this package that I had done tonight as I continue trying to put a foot forward after my suicide attempt.

The past hour I have been flooded with memories of the hospital and the delusions. One of the delusions was of Marsha Linehan coming to this house to have a piece of pepperoni pizza and being denied it because the house had too many death smells to it. I was reminded of this memory/delusion as I read her memoir and reading the part where she loves sports car. David Jobes had been driving her around Boston in a convertible. The house was of the people that used to live here before I moved in. She was supposed to come back but never did, or so the delusion goes. Jobes came to my house to see if dead people can be brought back to life. This was because I thought I had died for whatever reason. I don’t think I will ever know how close to dying I came as this was a very serious attempt on my life. I was very sick from the overdose.

I am wondering if I am a good person. While I was in the psych unit at the hospital, the staff really liked me. Most would spend time with me and talk with me, even if on stuff that wasn’t serious. We would talk about sneakers or baseball (the World Series was going on as I was admitted). I even had a running joke with one of the staff members about tea. He would sing the song “tea for two” every time I requested a cup and he was around or would see me with the cup as I would often go to my room to drink it. One of the nurses kept on telling me I was a nice guy and that the nurses loved me because I didn’t cause trouble. Does this make me a good person? I don’t feel like I am a good person because I still have suicidal thoughts. I am always thinking of a way out. It is in my nature at this point. I am already scheming a way to end my life even though I am not in despair.

I have therapy tomorrow and will discuss these things. I don’t know if I will tell her I am scheming again. I really haven’t found life worth living despite my top surgery moving forward. I know I will feel better and more congruent with how I feel about myself, for the most part. I am trying to lose some weight but it is hard right now as I can’t even walk 100 feet without getting winded or short of breath. I tried to control my eating while I was in the hospital but the meds and boredom made me hungry. I have gained back the weight l lost.

I am feeling pretty rotten right now. Nothing really happened to bring it on except the memories/delusions of the past three months. I am anxious and have nothing to calm myself down. I read in Linehan’s memoir about breathing and counting as you breathe. I find that just noticing my breathing in and out helps to center me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it makes me more panicky. I cannot wait to see my psychiatrist on Thurs so I can get some Ativan.

I have been a week out of the hospital now and I am still adjusting outside of the hospital. I have been managing my meds without any help. The visiting nurse is useless. All she does is check in with me for like five minutes, takes my blood pressure and then leaves. I hope this is the last week with her.

It is almost 0300. I had a few hours of sleep and had to pee so now I am up. I fucking hate this bullshit of not being able to get back to sleep. I am tired as fuck. I keep on thinking of stupid shit that is keeping me up. I hate being up in the middle of the night. Just makes me tired the rest of the day.

Another sleepless night

I had about a two hour nap before I woke up because I was hot and sweaty. I then had to use the bathroom and that was it. I am now up for the past three hours, unable to get back to sleep. This is becoming a pattern for me. I don’t like it. I wish I had some Ativan but I don’t. For whatever reason, the attending doctor at the hospital didn’t give me ANY prns to take. I got to wait till Thursday to see my psychiatrist to get some, I hope.

I am listening to Someday again. I was listening to Matchbox 20 when the song came on as I have it on the playlist. Now it is on repeat until I go back to sleep. I read a few chapters of Building a life worth living. I find that I am relating more to the writer as I go along. I am going to tell my therapist about apparent competence as I know I have it. It is when you seem ok when you really aren’t and no one suspects otherwise. I read some more. I am at the point where Dr. Linehan graduates with a doctorate from Loyola University. She had a difficult time finding a job as a clinician-researcher, at first. All she wanted to do was help people get out of their hell they were in.

I have often been asked what gets me through a suicidal episode. What I always say is, “I don’t know”. I say this because each episode is different so I use different things. Sometimes I reach out, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I distract with social media. My friend in Canada had told me that I should have reached out rather than take my overdose. I wasn’t thinking clearly then. I was very upset and rather than taking a step back to think about what to do, I just acted on my feelings impulsively. It took a few days for me to get so sick to end up in the emergency room. The last thing I remember was being in the ED waiting to go up to the floor to begin dialysis. Everything from then on becomes blurred. I have a memory where a nurse was saying to me about something I had said about chickens. I still don’t remember fully what the hell I was thinking. I remember another moment where one of the doctors was telling me they were very worried about me but I don’t know why they were worried. I was primarily on the same floor but in different rooms on the floor. I was in a double room with men but then I was moved to a private room, probably because I had to be on precautions as the nurses kept having to put on protective gowns to enter my room. This continued until I was close to being discharged from the psych unit of the hospital. I was discharged in a catatonic state where I stayed home for about 9 days before I was readmitted to another hospital for mental health care. I still don’t remember why I was admitted other than I was so fricken confused and couldn’t think straight to save my life. I just kept answering yes to all their questions, including if I was suicidal.

I watched Titanic for the millionth time again. It is one of my favorite movies. I had to watch it because it is all I thought about while I was in the hospital for some reason. After the movie, I tried watching Lincoln but I was too sleepy. I ended up resting for an hour before I finally fell asleep after I took my night meds.

I have nothing planned for the day. I am trying to not get worked up over my pcp appointment this week. I keep thinking the worse because it is what I am used to doing. If I think the worse, then it won’t happen, and usually I have a good outcome. My biggest concern is about top surgery proceeding forward. Soon as I get the ok, I can move up the pre-surgical consult appointment. I have a few questions about the procedure. I also want to have a visiting nurse come post op to help with the draining of the drains. I don’t think I will be able to do it myself. My sisters will be working so I won’t have help and I don’t feel comfortable with my mother taking care of me in anyway, shape, or form. I doubt she will like the idea of it anyways.

I have been up since 2300 last night. I have tried to sleep a few times and just couldn’t relax enough to even snooze. I am fricken exhausted. I feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders. I don’t feel like eating so I have just been drinking Ensure max protein drinks. I am in a depressed mood and just can’t bring myself to cook something. I was going to pick up my prescription but bailed. I don’t feel like going out today. I will get it tomorrow morning. I think if I leave my house around 0930, it should be enough time to get back to Boston for my pcp appointment. I got a message to call registration so I did. They asked me questions about Medicare. It didn’t take too long. Just hope I will be able to sleep around 2000 tonight. I really need to get some ZZs