Author: Midnight Demon

Took a walk

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicide plans for a little while. I told her I would see her for another year and then “have a break”. The end of June I will take my life. I can’t let her know the details because legally she could stop me. I really hope that I have enough pills to do the job. I haven’t counted them. There is no need to do so right now. We also talked about therapy itself and my needs. She thinks I need outside support. I told her I would get more active in my groups which I have been neglecting. I skipped the last couple of weeks of the chronic pain group. I plan on going tomorrow. Provided the cardiology appointment doesn’t upset me.

After my appointment I was feeling restless. It is nice out so I decided to take a walk to the bank that is a half a mile away from my house. Mind you, I really haven’t walked farther than the corner of my street and back to my house in a while. I haven’t left the house in weeks. I know my legs have atrophied a little. It was difficult to do. My back cramped up soon as I got to the end of my street. I stopped for a bit before crossing the street. I must have stopped every hundred feet or so. But I made it to the bank to make my deposit. And then I walked back to the main street to catch the bus to the Square. I decided to reward myself with a mocha. According to my step thing, I walked 3700 steps. I am tired and my legs hurt but I did and I am proud of myself. I also ordered a burger for dinner.

My niece was painting in the kitchen so moved her chest where she keeps her supplies. I didn’t see it so smashed my knee. It set off shockwaves down my leg. I am in so much pain right now from CRPS. My foot is cramping so I took a tizanidine. I am not in a good mood. I had my burger, which was excellent. I took my uro med that I am supposed to after a meal. I have been voiding but I’ve also been straining my urethra going. It hurts so much and I am pissed at myself for not cathing (no pun intended). The uro meds are working so I am getting the urge to pee. I am scared to cath because when I get a strong urge to pee and insert the catheter, urine goes everywhere. It’s like popping a balloon. I rather just void than to have that happen.

I am in mega pain. Glad the Sox are off. They lost again yesterday. Just pitiful at this point. My therapist wants me to practice mindfulness. Such bullshit. I am to focus on my breath. Hate this shit. Doubt it is going to help any. Leg, ankle, and foot are in so much pain right now I just want to scream. It is only 5pm. It is going to be a fucking long night.

We had family dinner for Mother’s day. It was good. We had New York cheesecake for dessert. My brother in law bought it but didn’t leave it out to thaw so it was like eating ice cream cake.

My mother deadnamed me today so I’ve been in a mood. I got reminded of the abuse she did by good ole Twitter sending stuff about abusive mothers. Some days I just like to forget it happened but days like today it all comes flooding back. And not just the abuse but the neglect as well where she didn’t protect me from my father’s abuse. I still have a lot of anger with her.

My sister is back home after her quarantine in Maine. She is negative so far. My cousin was positive last week for covid. Hope my sister stays negative.

The top window in my room fell down from the vibration of the wind. It is really cold in my room. I am feeling sleepy as I’ve been up most of the night. I woke up to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep. I wrote in my journal, trying to stay off my phone. I finished “on Juneteenth”. Plan on starting “Building a therapeutic alliance” soon.

I follow an old psychotherapist on twitter and he has a new podcast called Talking Therapy. I watched a couple of episodes and it got me thinking. I have a few questions for my therapist tomorrow. I got to write them down so I don’t forget.

I ate a lot of good food. I got a headache before we ate. I think it is a migraine. I plan on taking my meds soon and going to bed. Therapy is early. Leg is kind of flared up from sitting the few hours with my family. I am going to try and go into Boston tomorrow to get xrayed. Maybe I will go to Starbucks if I go.

Saturday Blog 07052022

I’ve been sleeping most of the day. I needed the rest. It’s cold out today and the wind is blowing something awful. My window creeped open so I am getting blasts of cold air in my room. I don’t mind it being cold. But it does just make me want to stay under the covers.

I have a headache. I don’t know if it was the way I slept or the change in weather. I am really tired today. Pain is minimal. Nothing like it was yesterday. My foot is cold because the room is cold. I will put on a sock in a few.

I have another week of appointments. I have four. I am nervous about meeting the cardiologist. Although I don’t think he is going to say anything or do anything different. It’s a virtual appointment so really not much he can do. I just hope he doesn’t order a stress test. Thursday I see my pcp to see about increasing my pain meds. I am not hopeful about this. I think it will be  a waste of time.

Going to go back to bed. I need to lay down. Sorry so short.