took a walk

Took a walk

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicide plans for a little while. I told her I would see her for another year and then “have a break”. The end of June I will take my life. I can’t let her know the details because legally she could stop me. I really hope that I have enough pills to do the job. I haven’t counted them. There is no need to do so right now. We also talked about therapy itself and my needs. She thinks I need outside support. I told her I would get more active in my groups which I have been neglecting. I skipped the last couple of weeks of the chronic pain group. I plan on going tomorrow. Provided the cardiology appointment doesn’t upset me.

After my appointment I was feeling restless. It is nice out so I decided to take a walk to the bank that is a half a mile away from my house. Mind you, I really haven’t walked farther than the corner of my street and back to my house in a while. I haven’t left the house in weeks. I know my legs have atrophied a little. It was difficult to do. My back cramped up soon as I got to the end of my street. I stopped for a bit before crossing the street. I must have stopped every hundred feet or so. But I made it to the bank to make my deposit. And then I walked back to the main street to catch the bus to the Square. I decided to reward myself with a mocha. According to my step thing, I walked 3700 steps. I am tired and my legs hurt but I did and I am proud of myself. I also ordered a burger for dinner.

My niece was painting in the kitchen so moved her chest where she keeps her supplies. I didn’t see it so smashed my knee. It set off shockwaves down my leg. I am in so much pain right now from CRPS. My foot is cramping so I took a tizanidine. I am not in a good mood. I had my burger, which was excellent. I took my uro med that I am supposed to after a meal. I have been voiding but I’ve also been straining my urethra going. It hurts so much and I am pissed at myself for not cathing (no pun intended). The uro meds are working so I am getting the urge to pee. I am scared to cath because when I get a strong urge to pee and insert the catheter, urine goes everywhere. It’s like popping a balloon. I rather just void than to have that happen.

I am in mega pain. Glad the Sox are off. They lost again yesterday. Just pitiful at this point. My therapist wants me to practice mindfulness. Such bullshit. I am to focus on my breath. Hate this shit. Doubt it is going to help any. Leg, ankle, and foot are in so much pain right now I just want to scream. It is only 5pm. It is going to be a fucking long night.

One thought on “took a walk

  1. glad your therapist is talking to you about your plans. I hope its helping to be able to discuss the plans. I am sorry your bladder is hurting so damn much. sending a big hug! Xoxo


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