Author: Midnight Demon

4 am again

I woke up around 3 in pain so I took some pain meds. I was also hungry so I had something to eat. I doomscrolled Twitter while I was eating. Found out that since 2006, women have been arrested and charged with murder for miscarriage. This is insane! It’s not the woman’s fault the pregnancy ended! This has heated me up so bad. And now a state wants to ban contraceptives, IUD’s, and IVF. I get the IUDs and contraceptives but why IVF? IVF is to have a woman pregnant. Just doesn’t make sense to me. But more republicans are passing these insane laws against women. Louisiana is looking to pass a law that begins at the moment of conception. WTF I am appalled. I feel for those women in that state.

Those are my thoughts this morning. I am also thinking of how to tell my family that in a year I plan on ending my life. If I have to go out to Colorado, I plan on getting cremated there and then have my remains come back to my family. I would die alone in that state unless one of my sisters comes with me. But if I can’t get out to Colorado, and have to do it at home, will they allow this? I hardly think they will.

I did some research about ketamine for chronic pain. I don’t know what route the ketamine is delivered for depression at the hospital but if it also helps chronic pain, I think I will be a little bit more open about it. I just worry that I will have a psychotic reaction to it. A friend asked about ECT. I will never have that done because I value my memory. I know there is some amnesia with ketamine but I haven’t heard a lot about it. I was on my phone so I didn’t want to click on the links in the search as one of them was a PDF and the print was so small I couldn’t read it. I will do the search again on my laptop so I can read the PDFs.

I think I am going to stay up rather than go back to sleep. I don’t want to go back to sleep because I don’t feel shitty or hungover. It’s going to be a long day but I can sleep in the afternoon after my tests. I got to go in town today to get my blood drawn for a study and my leg x-rayed. I hope the fluid shows up so maybe more testing can be done to get rid of it.

While I am out, I plan on going to Chipotle and Starbucks. It’s supposed to get up to 63 today, same as yesterday so maybe I can sit outside and eat and drink and if I bring my book, read some. The bitch sister isn’t coming home till Sunday so I have a nice break from her.

I am almost done with “On Juneteenth”. I have one chapter left which I think I am going to read after I finish this blog. It was not what I expected, though it was a good read. My next read is going to a bit complicated but it is a good book. It is called Building a therapeutic alliance. I plan to re-read it and copy the highlighted stuff in a journal/notebook. I did a lot of highlighting. There was just so much important stuff in the book. Can’t wait to start reading it!

Random things

I met with my psychiatrist today. I told him about the CRPS spreading and my decision to end my life next year. He said he understood and wishes there was something he could do. He suggested ketamine and I said I would get back to him on it. I heard good things about it but also heard it was short term. It’s too new to know if there are long term effects.

After the appointment, I shaved and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like showering. I thought about going to Starbucks and read for a bit but I just couldn’t bring myself to get dressed and go out. I made a ham and cheese wrap for lunch. I don’t know what I want to do for dinner. I might make mac and cheese. I also bought cottage cheese with pineapple and yogurt. I love the Chobani Greek yogurt. I think the black cherry one is the best.

I have tried to get a pain med increase from my PCP but because the pain doc doesn’t recommend it and she didn’t say leave it up to the prescriber in her notes, I am screwed. I made a virtual appointment with my pcp for next week. I don’t know how it will go as she already denied me. I woke up with leg pain this morning. It has been throbbing all day and I don’t know why as it is nice out. It is 65 degrees and sunny. Yesterday was a bad rain day and cold. I am so tired. I really am struggling to stay awake these days as all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep.

Tomorrow I get my blood drawn for the covid study I am in. I also need to get my leg x-rayed. I plan on going to Starbucks for a treat and maybe hitting Chipotle for some Mexican. I haven’t had their burrito bowl in a long time. The other day I ordered a Bartley’s burger from the burger joint in Harvard Square. It was a good burger! The onion rings were cold and stringy when they arrived so didn’t taste so great. I will order fries next time.

I had my groceries delivered yesterday and had the worst driver ever in the ten years or so in ordering from Peapod. He just left the stuff on my porch and piled them. Didn’t even bring them in the house. I brought them in the house and got a palpitations attack for some reason. I wasn’t lifting heavy stuff and didn’t even walk too far, just maybe 10-15 feet from the edge of the porch to my hallway stairs. My niece carried most of the stuff up the stairs for me and to my room (Gatorade). I sent a message to my pcp about it as she wanted to know when I had new palpitation episode. Things settled down with rest. I see the cardiologist Tues morning.

Sox lost again. I am not surprised as pitching still sucks and offense is not there. I don’t know when they will get hot but I hope it is soon!