Author: Midnight Demon

Useless fucking appointment

My therapist canceled on me today because she was sick. I will see her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I will go to the chronic pain group or not. The appointment is in the middle of the group time. I will decide tomorrow depending on how I feel.

I got to my appointment for pain doc early by twenty minutes. I didn’t bring a book with me so I just checked in. She confirmed that I have a spread because I have no trauma or injury to the area causing me pain. I have to get an x-ray because I want to be reassured that it isn’t something serious like cancer. She said there was some swelling on my leg. Then came the fucking bullshit of mindfulness and mind-body sessions to “correct the brain”. She was against the increase in pain meds but said I could ask my prescriber. She also wasn’t keen to prescribe the Neurontin increase to 1200 mg. I have to figure out who to go to for that. I will send a message to my neuro and see if she will change the dose. I don’t need pills. I have enough. But the whole thing about it being mindful and changing the way the brain processes stuff was just horseshit to me. I feel like I wasted my time. I have an appointment in four weeks with the PA and I will see what he says but I doubt anything is going to fucking happen.

I am upset that the CRPS has spread up my leg. I sort of started planning my death. I figure the end of June of next year will be a good time. I should be healed from top surgery enough and my niece will have graduated high school. That is all I have to live for. I told my former psych and she wants me to tell my psych people. I responded and said that my therapist already knows. I haven’t had a chance to tell my psychiatrist because I haven’t seen him. I don’t want to send him a message though the charting system because of nosey people. If my therapist can read my messages to him, other people in my care might have access to the messages too.

I hope in a year’s time the death with dignity act goes through my state. If it doesn’t, I plan on going to Colorado and do what I have to there to die. I am not going to wait until the CRPS starts to affect my knee. I won’t have it affect my walking anymore than it already does. I am not going to allow myself to live to see that happen. The doc was calling the opioid a band-aid. I rather have a band-aid than nothing at all, which is essentially what I have. There are no treatments other than the mindfulness stuff. I have a year to tell my pcp I am a no code, DNR, DNI, and any other measure that prolongs life. I want to die and if I can’t get a doctor to help me, then I have other means. I just hope what I have is enough. It is possible I could persuade a clinician to give me a little more of what I have just so I have enough. It is going to be a lot of pills to swallow. I just hope I don’t get sick.

Sunday Blog 01052022

First day of May. I started it off with brushing my teeth and shaving my face down to a stubble. I didn’t touch my mustache this time. My hair on top is slowly growing back so it doesn’t look like I am bald. A friend asked me if this was a start of a trend. I hope it is. New month to start a good way of hygiene.

Yesterday I found out Naomi Judd died by suicide. I am happy for her. She is no longer suffering. She also wrote of the struggles of hygiene and wanting to stay in bed all the time. I guess I am the same way as I do the same. I usually just sit up in my bed with my laptop or a book. If I am not up for that I am listening with my headphones to music. I sent an email to my former psych to tell her about my plans for ending my life if things don’t go well on Mon with the pain doc.

Last night I didn’t get much sleep as I woke up around midnight and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I read a few chapters of On Juneteenth. The book is more about racial inequality than about slavery in 1865. It also talks about how racism is hidden until someone brings it out then the whole white community acts out on it. People you thoughts were your friends are now against you. It is really sad. It isn’t a long book so I don’t mind reading it. I just have to take breaks from it because it angers me so much.

I had three meals today. Cereal at like 5am. McD’s at 10 and then leftover Chinese food now. My mother said the rice wasn’t good. I will have some later to try it. I didn’t have any yesterday. I just had my lo mein. My mother is making chicken in the oven as she didn’t want it to go to waste. My nephew had bought it but didn’t make it. Someone will eat it.

I took a nap around 1 and slept until 3. I feel good but a little groggy. I might make a cup of coffee. I made it. I am in the kitchen typing this. I felt like changing the location of where I was. I shaved my beard but I haven’t showered yet. I probably will before bed. I have a big day tomorrow. Sox are in a rain delay right now that might be called because it is the 6^th inning. They will lose if it is called. O’s are winning 4-1.

I have therapy tomorrow and then I have to call an Uber to see the pain doc. I hope she will listen to me. I will discuss this in therapy to try and not act demanding. I really just want an additional breakthrough med or an increase in the extended-release med. I need something for the pain. I like what I am on and don’t want to change it to something else. Just hope she agrees with me and honors my request.