useless fucking appointment

Useless fucking appointment

My therapist canceled on me today because she was sick. I will see her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I will go to the chronic pain group or not. The appointment is in the middle of the group time. I will decide tomorrow depending on how I feel.

I got to my appointment for pain doc early by twenty minutes. I didn’t bring a book with me so I just checked in. She confirmed that I have a spread because I have no trauma or injury to the area causing me pain. I have to get an x-ray because I want to be reassured that it isn’t something serious like cancer. She said there was some swelling on my leg. Then came the fucking bullshit of mindfulness and mind-body sessions to “correct the brain”. She was against the increase in pain meds but said I could ask my prescriber. She also wasn’t keen to prescribe the Neurontin increase to 1200 mg. I have to figure out who to go to for that. I will send a message to my neuro and see if she will change the dose. I don’t need pills. I have enough. But the whole thing about it being mindful and changing the way the brain processes stuff was just horseshit to me. I feel like I wasted my time. I have an appointment in four weeks with the PA and I will see what he says but I doubt anything is going to fucking happen.

I am upset that the CRPS has spread up my leg. I sort of started planning my death. I figure the end of June of next year will be a good time. I should be healed from top surgery enough and my niece will have graduated high school. That is all I have to live for. I told my former psych and she wants me to tell my psych people. I responded and said that my therapist already knows. I haven’t had a chance to tell my psychiatrist because I haven’t seen him. I don’t want to send him a message though the charting system because of nosey people. If my therapist can read my messages to him, other people in my care might have access to the messages too.

I hope in a year’s time the death with dignity act goes through my state. If it doesn’t, I plan on going to Colorado and do what I have to there to die. I am not going to wait until the CRPS starts to affect my knee. I won’t have it affect my walking anymore than it already does. I am not going to allow myself to live to see that happen. The doc was calling the opioid a band-aid. I rather have a band-aid than nothing at all, which is essentially what I have. There are no treatments other than the mindfulness stuff. I have a year to tell my pcp I am a no code, DNR, DNI, and any other measure that prolongs life. I want to die and if I can’t get a doctor to help me, then I have other means. I just hope what I have is enough. It is possible I could persuade a clinician to give me a little more of what I have just so I have enough. It is going to be a lot of pills to swallow. I just hope I don’t get sick.

One thought on “useless fucking appointment

  1. big hug! sorry the appointment was useless. It did seem that way. honestly? Why is she even a pain doc. I mean isnt their job to prescribe so the patient isnt in pain? xooxx

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