too much pain and no sleep

Too much pain and no sleep

After the game last night, I couldn’t settle down right away. I was excited and kept reliving the touchdown over and over in my mind. Then my pain flared up. I took some meds and thought I would be asleep soon. Sleep never came. I was up most of the fucking night. Soon as I got my ankle pain under control, my toes started so I had to take more meds. It was a vicious cycle. It didn’t help that my PTSD anxiety got activated. That just made everything worse.

Before I knew it, 0200 hit. That was it. I was up for the night. And I was. I didn’t go to sleep until I took a Benadryl. This was at 0600 or so. Then I wake up 3.5 hours later. Great. I stayed up till 1330 and then fell back to sleep again. I still don’t feel rested and I just took my night time meds to try and get ahead of the game. I am really tired.

Because I was catching up on sleep, I didn’t do any errands today. I had to go to the bank and the store to buy more half and half. I also want cocoa puffs. I guess I will try tomorrow if the weather isn’t too bad. We are supposed to get snow with freezing rain. It might just be rain, who knows.

I’ve been feeling really depressed most of the day because I had such a horrible night. Being up all night really sucks, especially when you can’t calm down because your anxiety is getting the best of you. Or the slightest move you make hurts you like a SOB. Last night I couldn’t win for trying and it really got to me. I really was thinking of a way out. I started writing in my journal. I just wrote until I fell asleep, basically. It was all I could do to get the anxiety out and the thoughts under control again. Tomorrow is my 16th anniversary of my nerve condition, Cauda Equina Syndrome. That is when all this hell began. No matter how many time I tell myself that I am NOT getting CES again, my body goes into panic mode and I can’t calm the fuck down. It really sucks when you can’t move because that doesn’t help the case.

There really isn’t anyone to talk to when it’s 0300. Not too many night owls to distract you. So you are stuck in your own world until the meds finally exhaust you or you are just plain exhausted and collapse. I really wish I slept longer this morning. I could have done at least one thing like go to the store for the half and half. I could have had my coffee and maybe the day wouldn’t have been a sleep day.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to too much pain and no sleep

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    maybe you needed the sleep. I’m sorry it was a bad pain night again. I want to fucking kill that pain! xxx

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