Author: Midnight Demon

I had dinner with my sister and then had a cup of coffee. I felt tired afterwards so laid down. I snooze a bit and then woke up feeling super depressed and suicidal. I have no idea why. My cousin called while I was sleeping and left me a message I didn’t like. Maybe I’m just pissed off. I don’t know.

I had cuddles with the pup earlier today. Little sassy was with her mother so cuddling with me was OK and so was petting her. She didn’t have to hide under the bed.

I was up most of the night. I finished my book and still couldn’t sleep. My brain was turned on. I wrote notes on the chapters I wanted to focus on and then sent it to my friend to see if it made sense. This was at 5am. I went to sleep after 6. I took my meds. I don’t know what time I got up. Think it was 11 or so. I didn’t sleep too long.

Tomorrow i got to call my psychiatrist office and move up my appt. I also sent a message to my pcp as I sneezed last night and flared up my back. I have pain going down my leg. I felt something shift when I sneezed. I’m not have bowel or bladder problems so I don’t need to scurry to the ED. I hate radiating pain. Always freaks me out.

I’m feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I got my groceries today and my sisters judged me for it. I needed my drinks and going to the store to lug them is just hard. Plus you can only get so many at once. I haven’t found my tuna yet. There are some bags that need to go on the porch but it’s blocked by the dog crate so I can’t access it. I got an email today saying my insurance is overdue but I know I paid it on Thursday. I think the fricken holiday is messing with me. I’ll have to wait till Monday for things to clear.

Apparently I’m watching the puppy again. Dad came home and dropped her off then left. Didn’t say anything to me or my sister. I am not happy about this.

I never showered last night and I am mad at myself. I fell asleep and then was up most of the night. I got really thirsty and drank a lot which meant having to use the bathroom in a few hours. I just couldn’t sleep. I was cold then hot. I didn’t know if I wanted the blankets on me or off me. I just couldn’t get comfortable. Then I started sneezing. Fucking allergies man. I seriously thought of taking a shower at 3am. But I would hate to wake someone so I didn’t.

I just want to die and I don’t even know why. I just feel so mad and i don’t even know exactly what I am mad at. A few or a lot of things sure. My sisters yes. My finances yes. The delivery guy that took forever to empty the stuff and was rude yes. Idk if I am making sense. List of grievances. I haven’t been able to get any puppy pics because she has been hiding under the bed.

I keep thinking about my plan and yet I am reading this CBT book that is giving me ideas of how to help myself when I go back to therapy this week. I’ve been taking notes. I just got to write them up as it’s on a piece of mail. I usually have notebooks on my bed but since I haven’t been writing, I haven’t put any on my bed. So it’s just whatever is handy. I think i am going to write a review of the book. I just have two chapters to go before I am done. I should finish it by tomorrow.

I am going to shower now and use the body wash I bought for the hospital so I smell nice. Need to brush my teeth too. Then I’ll make a potato salad. I haven’t eaten anything all day.

4^th of July 2025

I cannot be happy this fourth of July because of who is in office. This country is more like an oligarchy than a democracy. It is run by white men who think they are better than everyone and are rich fucks who don’t give a damn except for themselves and other rich white men. I am disgusted to be an American.

I didn’t sleep last night. I was up half the night. I read for a bit as I couldn’t get into my game. I started taking notes on what I was reading and that got my brain awake. It took forever for me to get to sleep. I bought two of my textbooks for the fall. Next month I will get the other two that I need. I got up after 1pm. I had two cups of coffee and half a burrito that I found in the fridge. I made potatoes but didn’t do anything with them. I wanted to make an Italian potato salad. I need to cut the potatoes and season them. They are cooling in the fridge. I had the rest of the burrito and then some ice cream that was very good with another cup of coffee. I was watching the puppy but she kept going under the bed again. She came home with my niece and did zoomies and then went under the bed. My niece coaxed her out with some food. She ate some of her food then went back under the bed. She hates me when her parents aren’t home. She is on the bed now. I let her be. I told her her daddy is on his way home.

After having my coffee, I brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I still need to shower. I probably will before bed. I didn’t have the energy to take one yesterday. Sox played an early day game so there is no game tonight. I am tired. I am sick of being tired every day. I never wake up feeling energized unless it’s like after midnight. I might go out tomorrow. I haven’t left the house all week. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte.

The House pass the big ugly bill. Now will be a rough time for Healthcare. Everything has gone to shit. I’m just biding my time. I got an email from UMB. I got financial aid for the fall. I turned down some loans they gave me. I don’t know if what they gave is for a semester or year. I’m only taking two classes though in Spring I might try to take three so I can graduate in 2027.

I’ve had a headache for most of the day. It’s been really hot. I ordered chicken wings for dinner and the place didn’t have them. So I had mozzarella sticks and fries. I am expected a refund on the wings. I’ve been watching the puppy though she mostly has been staying under the bed. I went down to check on her and she was on the bed but after I gave her some.pats, she went back under. She hasn’t used the bathroom as far as I can tell. I tried to get her on the porch and I didn’t realize the gate was open. She went downstairs. I’m thankful she didn’t take off on me. I was barefoot so it wasn’t like I could run after her. Scared me tho. We sat on the front porch for a bit. Then she went upstairs and under the bed she went.

My family is at my cousin’s for the annual BBQ. It’s an all day affair and I can’t take it. I like to be there for a few hours and then go home. But I don’t have a ride and they don’t exactly live close to the T so I am at the mercy of my sister. So I don’t go. I have a huge headache. The survey changed time and the first one was at 7am. Sucks. I’m never doing a study like this again. It is so draining.

Sox are off today. They will be in DC tomorrow playing the Nationals then be back to Boston midweek. I haven’t decided if I am going to go see my DMH case worker in person or not. I might just to get out of the house. That will be next week.