Category: depression

Bitching and moaning

Today was a rotten day. My therapist canceled so that left me with a couple of hours to do nothing before my pcp appointment. I didn’t want to move or get out of bed. I managed to brush my teeth and shave but my muscles were not happy about it. My back kept on cramping on me. I left early so I could take the shuttle rather than walk to the office.

I had another bout of insomnia last night. I woke up around 1 and couldn’t go back to sleep for the life of me. I rested but couldn’t sleep. I am wicked tired. Pcp appointment went ok. She wants to do some tests and for me to do another sleep study but it is not happening. She also is thinking a PT for my breathing problem. I told her I tend to hold my breath while doing stuff and then I am winded. I just forget to breathe. She is going to talk to a colleague about which therapist would be ideal. I didn’t have to do blood work. I was glad of that.

It took forever to get home. The bus came and then left without taking any passengers. I don’t know why. We had to wait another fifteen minutes for the next bus. Then it got stuck in traffic around the T station. I was ready to fall asleep. I was so tired. Then I get an email from UMB saying they need another SAP bullshit and letters of support. I need to talk to my advisor as we need to come up with another damn plan and shit. I am so tired I am not doing it today. I will get started on it tomorrow. I have to write a statement again.

I got my migraine med filled but it’s fucking $40. I don’t know if MassHealth didn’t pay or rejected it. It was a zero copay last time I got it. I have to go to the store tomorrow and find out. I don’t know how I am going to pay it. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I will go before I see him so I can get Starbucks. I have been craving their egg wrap with Sriracha sauce. I really like this hot sauce. I thought it would be hotter than tabasco but it isn’t.

I’ve spent another day in bed. I’ve had a wicked headache that feels like a concussion. I managed to brush my teeth and shower. I wasn’t in the mood for shaving. I had a cup of coffee but nothing else to eat or drink. I’ve been trying to drink powerade but I’m not thirsty. I just feel lousy. I am glad I am seeing my pcp tomorrow.

I also have therapy tomorrow. I won’t be able to stop at the Italian market because I will need to head into Boston. It’s going to take me a little while to walk to the station.

I was hoping to read more today but didn’t. I don’t think I will read tonight. I just want to sleep. This headache is awful. I took some ibuprofen and it didn’t even touch it. Hope the cycle isn’t starting again. I really don’t want to end up in the ED.

This is how I feel about my headaches.

Wicked depressed today. Had a migraine. Slept most of the day. Still feel like a loser because I got nothing done. Need to finish library book due on Mon. Don’t know if I can concentrate. Just want to sleep. Managed to eat something and had coffee.

I am going to ask one of my nieces to help me with my room. I’m so overwhelmed I can’t manage. I take some stuff off and then add. I can’t win. I want to get the bed cleared and changed before the semester starts. Next week I’ll be busy with appts. I have two on Monday.

I’ve been thinking about going into the hospital but it’s so disruptive. I don’t know if I can do it again. I haven’t been in since the year my mother died in 2023. I keep managing to avoid it. I’m not actively suicidal but I keep having ideation. I have a plan but it would take a lot to act on it.

It snowed today so I didn’t pick up my stuff that I ordered. I got to go tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t be icy. I’ve been sneezing all day. I hope I’m not getting sick.