Category: depression

Out of fucking spoons

Yesterday and today I woke up at 6am. I tried to go back to sleep today but it wasn’t happening. I had my coffee and something to eat and then I got dressed to go to class. My legs felt kind of stiff as I was walking to the bus stop. My hamstrings are tight. It is making things very difficult but I know if I try to stretch, it will cause me pain. Stretching never seems to work for me.

Class went ok. I had to use the bathroom as my niece’s boyfriend was using the bathroom and I couldn’t go before leaving the house. I had like three cups of coffee, including a Starbucks drink. The men’s room near class didn’t have disability stalls. I found another bathroom near the front of the building that did and luckily was not in use. I had some papers to print out so I did that before leaving the building. I walked back to the shuttle stop and I was so out of breath. By the time I came home, I was done. I went to my room and rested before cooking dinner. When I got up to cook, my legs felt like cement. I am totally out of fucking spoons.

I figured while my dinner cooks, I would do my Italian homework except this week it is a timed assignment and I only get one attempt. There was no way I could start it while my dinner cooked. I exited out of it and got a saved progress message. I didn’t even hit start. Hope that doesn’t count against me. I will try and do it tomorrow. I don’t know when I will work on my English paper. I am overwhelmed with it. It has to be at least four pages.

Yesterday around 9pm, I realized I lost time. I dissociated between noon and nine. I remember I went to pick up my meds but it’s sketchy. I don’t remember leaving the house but remember being in the store and waiting at the bus stop. Don’t remember the ride home or getting home or what I did once I got home. It’s all vague. Right now I am so damn tired I want to nap. I am listening to RED TV. It’s one of my favorite albums. I don’t know what was going on at campus but they had different tables of people selling stuff. There was a Taylor Swift collection. I looked through it and then had to leave before I bought something or a few somethings. It’s bad enough I follow some of her groups on Facebook and they have pics of her in spectacular clothes. I have saved my favorites.

I messaged my therapist about yesterday. I see her tomorrow. I also sent a message to my psychiatrist, who hasn’t responded. I hate it when I send messages and get no responses. Pisses me off.

Tired Sunday

I was up in the middle of the night after sleeping for about three hours. I just couldn’t go back to sleep so I read my book most of the night. I was close to finishing it but the Ativan took over and I had to sleep. I didn’t wake up till 1pm. I had some coffee and something to eat. Then I roasted some potatoes for supper.

I finished my book around the time the potatoes was done so I ate. Then I went to look at the prompts to see what I need to do. I prepared a document but didn’t start the paper. I still have to think about it some.

I did my meds. I am going to see if taking Allegra twice a day make a difference in the sneeze attacks I have been having. I took my morning meds late today so I will take my night meds a little later.

I am in a mood. I just want to die. Nothing really happened today (news wise or otherwise), I just don’t want to exist. I started planning again. I don’t know if I will go through with it. Only time will tell.