Category: depression

I got out of the house today

After a disastrous night last night, my cousin took me out grocery shopping today. I didn’t have enough money to get all that I wanted but got what I could. I had to pay the copay for the weight loss drug because YAY it got approved on appeal. I start taking it tomorrow.

After the grocery store, I wanted a latte so I went to Starbucks before I went to the pharmacy. I had something to eat as I didn’t have breakfast. I didn’t sleep last night. I maybe got a few hours in the morning before my alarm went off. It was so hard getting up and I felt like complete shit. I was still feeling depressed. It was hot out but not humid, thank god. I was still sweating as I was walking to the bus stop. My legs felt wobbly as I haven’t been out of the house in more than a week. But it felt good to be out. If I didn’t feel so tired when I came home, I would have taken the puppy for a walk.

I have therapy tomorrow so I hope I get some sleep. The latte energized me and I forgot there was no game tonight so I had 6 shots of espresso for nothing. I will just read something. Or play my game. There is an FTM meeting tonight that I might attend. It’s on zoom. I have had a slight headache all day. It started last night after the argument. I felt so suicidal last night it was so hard not to attempt again. Like everything my sister ever said came out to me. She hasn’t spoken to anyone today. Good because I don’t want to talk to her anyways.

I made a burger for supper but I didn’t cook it enough and there was a bone in it. I didn’t finish it because even though I was squishing it, it didn’t lose shape. It was pretty thick and all that meat was making me feel sick. I had so many cramps today and now my side is hurting again. I don’t know if it is muscle or my gallbladder. I have to lay down for a bit until it stops hurting.

Still haven’t done anything

I forced myself out of bed around noon time. I didn’t want to get up. I have been feeling low the past few days, some with suicidal thoughts. I got up and checked on the puppy and then had my coffee with some pancakes. I needed to shave my head. After I had two cups of coffee and played with my phone for a bit, I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I felt like shit and didn’t want to shave but if I didn’t I would have wait another month for my hair to grow out and I didn’t want to. I started to shave and without meaning to, I shaved my beard. I guess I am growing a goatee now.

I thought about taking a nap. I haven’t done anything to my room. I need to take the recycling out as tomorrow is trash day. My allergies are berserk right now. I keep sneezing and I am all stuffy.

I took the recycling out. I had to make two trips down and up the stairs. The puppy saw it as an opportunity to pee and shit in the kitchen. I feel bad. I would have taken her for a walk but she didn’t have her collar on and every time I try to put it on, she runs away from me. Bitch sister came home around this time and we had an argument. I feel like dogshit that was on the floor. She said I can’t take care of the dog because I can’t walk her. I feel so upset. I am thinking about counting pills out. I want to cry. I got a huge headache. I hate this stress she puts me in.

My side is hurting me again. I think I inflamed my gallbladder with the leftover Chinese food I ate. Every day I have some kind of pain. I hate it.

I’ve been in a bad mood all day. I woke up in it. I also have been tired. I slept for a bit after the dog peed and shit in the kitchen. Boyfriend was home so I let him deal with it. I stayed in my room.

I never went out. I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t even want to contact my friends. Every day I contact them to say hi. Rarely do they initiate contact first.  I don’t care. If we skip a day we skip a day.

Finally got my latuda but it is a 30 day not a 90 day. Ugh. And my pcp is still working on the appeal for the weight loss drug. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I finally finished definition of suicide so I can start my psych textbook now. I can’t wait to start it.

Some goals done today

I woke up early and would have stayed up but the puppy peed and shit in the kitchen. I didn’t want to clean it up. I left it and told my niece to tell her boyfriend to do it. Either he ignored her or she never told him. Either way, the mess was there a few hours later when I wanted coffee. I cleaned it up but the smell was still present. I was not happy. I didn’t want to do anything. And I had things to do.

I forced myself to make something to eat as I had to make the burger before it went bad. Then I shaved my head. I took off my beard down to a stubble and then took a shower. I had to sit down a few times because I was so exhausted. I didn’t bring my clothes down so I just wrapped a towel around me. It was just me and the puppy home. I tried to find a black pair of shorts but I have no idea where I saw them. I couldn’t find them but found a blue pair. I also thought I threw a pair of underwear on the bed but I didn’t. After I rested and drank some water, I went back downstairs. I played with the puppy then attempted to load the dishwasher. I loaded the dishes and a pan that I used for the burger. There were pans in the sink but they were too big for the washer. My hands were greasy from the shit and I was getting pissed off because of it. I just left the stuff and played with the puppy but she didn’t want any of it. I let her be and went up to my room to cool off. I was sweating my ass off.

I am now cooling off and drinking fluids. I keep getting cramps in my chest. I just took my relaxer. There was a mix up with my meds. For some reason my Latuda got sent to my pcp’s office instead of my psychiatrist. I was wondering why he didn’t send it in. Now I have to wait. I also sent a message about the weight loss drug but haven’t heard back yet. I am hungry again and think I am going to have a salad. It’s my last salad kit that I bought. They are so easy. I love them.