Category: depression

Happy Halloween! Today I am celebrating the publication of my book by going out to the pub for a drink and burger before the concert. I am seeing the beautiful Jennifer Nettles. I’ve been listening to her and little big town all day.

I was so grateful class was on zoom today. I met with the professor after class and we went over my exam. I made some stupid mistakes and others were just guesses as I didn’t know. I got one answer changed as it was just on the cusp of the area that was correct.

Went to the concert and had a wicked good time. Sugarland was so fucking good. I love Jennifer Nettles so much. Her vocals were phenomenal. I recorded Babe and Little Big Town’s Better Man, both Taylor Swift songs that got awards. Karen Fairfield did an excellent job performing Better Man. It was so awesome seeing it live. My cousin came with me and she had a good time.

A sneezing and migraine day

I’ve been sneezing since I woke up this morning. I’ve also had a runny nose. I hope I am not getting sick as I got a concert to go to on Thursday. Professor say some classmates have had covid so I hope I am not coming down with that. I missed all last week and haven’t been in contact with anyone that is sick but then I have been traveling on the T so. I went to class today and I was so anxious. I spoke with the professor after class and we are going to go over the exam on Friday. On the way home, I got overwhelmed with everything. She makes it seem so easy and then my brain can’t process it after class. When I got to the station I was going up the stairs and the back of my neck hurt where my migraines usually start. It went away by the time I got to the platform but soon as I reached the home, I was in migraine hell. My head just exploded. I thought it was because I was just hungry. Nope. Food didn’t help. I tracked in my note app.

I had a meeting with my psychiatrist this morning. It went well but he didn’t have any answers for me either. My pcp never responded to the message I sent. I don’t care. I guess being out of breath and having palpitations is the new me. I am so tired of fighting the system that is supposed to help you.  My psychiatrist didn’t say anything about the suicidal stuff. I didn’t mention it either. It’s on the back burner for now. I still haven’t heard from the therapy place.

I have a meeting tomorrow with a therapist/consultant that I met with a couple months ago. I really need this appointment to vent as I am losing my mind between class and migraines. My sister and I got into a fight last night. The stress is just killing me so I am probably getting a freaking cold.

Fucking aggravated

I messaged the NP that ordered the holter monitor and she sent me a provider letter which basically said to me that everything is fine. I messaged back that how could everything be fine when I had these things and the palpitations were still ongoing. The nurse responds saying things is normal blah blah blah. I tell her I am still having the palpitations more frequently and now I am getting short of breath at short distances. Going around the block gets me winded and going up the stairs does too. I am waiting for a response.

I am in anxiety mode over this. Like what the fuck. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and if the pcp says this this normal, I am asking for an increase in Ativan because there is no way one pill a day is going to get me through this shit. I am so anxious right now I just took one because I needed to. I texted my DMH worker about this. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I had forgotten then say the reminder on my phone.

I did some school work today. I sent the video for the group presentation. I hope it was sent ok. My phone had to “trim” it to send it via email so I am not sure all of it got sent. I haven’t done anything else. I don’t plan on doing anything else. I am wiped out. My anxiety is through the fucking roof. I made an appointment with a therapist/consultant for this week. I have appointments like nearly every day this week.  I saw my advisor today. She said I have a 3.66 avg in class. I am floored. I still am going to meet with the professor on Friday to find out why I did so poorly on my exam. I thought I did better.

I feel a headache coming on. Fucking christ. This is the fourth day in a row I have had a headache. I woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. It was dream related. Thankfully it went away without any intervention. I wanted to cut my head off last night the headache was terrible. I couldn’t do anything or concentrate. It was pissing me off. If I get one tonight, I will message my neuro in the morning. I really don’t want to go back to the ED.