Category: depression

Can’t sleep

I was resting but not really sleeping when my med alarm went off. I thought it was odd as it was like 11pm. Then I remember I had set it for the Robaxin and I was kicking myself as it woke me up. My CRPS foot has been flared up the past couple of hours. I took some pain meds and gaba. I also took some Benadryl for sleep. But my brain is refusing to shut down. I just started a new book that I got from the library and the first chapter is good. I am going to like this book.

A friend of mine that I knew from Twitter mentioned a syndrome where you think you are dead or think you have dead limbs. I researched it and found that I had this for a few weeks in 2022 when I was catatonic. It wasn’t until I was back on a therapeutic dose of Latuda that the delusions stopped. It is a rare syndrome so of course I would get it. It does happen to people who have delusions and are catatonic. I want to reach out to my psychiatrist about this but I don’t know what exactly to say.

I finally changed my sheets and I am so happy I was able to put them on on the first try. The last time it took a few tries to get it right. I am going to try and keep my bed clear this time so I can change my sheets better. I have just two sets and alternate between the two. I had a gray set but I have no idea where it went.

I started doing research for my paper and I am happy to see that one of the suicidologists I follow wrote a paper on the HPA axis and suicide. I was wondering if there was anyone in the field that looked at this that I knew. I didn’t tell my professor that I was an autodidact suicidologist. My brain wasn’t completely functioning as I was composing the email so I just said I had an interest in suicide. She hasn’t responded to the email.

I was reading the discussion paper for class this week. It’s on the socio-economic-status and brain thickness. I read a couple pages until I couldn’t concentrate anymore. Then I laid down to try and sleep. It is a lengthy paper that will take me some time to read. I thought these papers were going to be shorter than this.

For some reason, when I last used my electric razor, it caused skin irritation. Now I have a break out of zits on my neck and it is so painful. I hate it. I shaved today and it was ok until now. It’s wicked itchy. I might have to let the beard grow back in again. I can’t seem to keep the goatee look for long.

Sept is suicide prevention month

September is suicide prevention month. Last night I was reading my assigned chapter when it gave a few sentences about suicide and glucocorticoids being found in childhood abuse victims. I found this interesting. I read the abstract but it was way over my head as it was talking about receptors and gene types. I asked my psych professor if I could do the final on it. I think it would be interesting to research as suicide is my main thing I like to research. I know I talk about the treatment of it with therapy but if there can be a pill to take, that would be good, too. Imagine not being suicidal anymore by taking a pill. Anyway, reading this before bed, got me hyper and thinking so it was hard to sleep. I had some weird dreams. I don’t remember them though and they didn’t give me a headache.

I got up around 11. I took my meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth before I had coffee. I still need to shave my head. I had two cups of coffee and some oatmeal as I was starving. The party was good. I had a lot of food. I had woken up around 3 to pee and then was up for about an hour. I was hungry but we are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich. I wish I had known we were out of it as I would have ordered it on my peapod order. I thought we had one more loaf but we didn’t. I will get two loaves on Wed when my food stamps come in. I need to get more half and half as well. I am also going to try and get some turkey breast. It’s been a while since I had a turkey sandwich. My niece had made mac and cheese so I had that for lunch. I had my third cup of coffee with it. I need all the caffeine today.

I cleared off my bed. I just need to change my sheets and wash my comforter. I plan on doing that after I write this blog. My feet are cold so I don’t want to wash the comforter just yet. It’s a cool day again. I am loving this weather. I hope it stays like this but I know it won’t. It never does. I have a fairly free week aside from class. I see my DMH worker on Friday. I am going to try and leave early that day and go to the social security office so I can change my gender marker. It’s the last thing I need to do aside from getting my passport changed. I also need to get a “real” ID from the state. Getting the money for it has been hard the last few months. I would have the money if I wasn’t paying for my damn meds every month. I hate that they did away with the deductible. It really sucks. I am paying like $100 a month on my meds, sometimes more if I get everything.

I am getting tired so I am going to stop here. Until tomorrow, readers.

Mesa mes

I didn’t sleep well because my feet were cold most of the night. I tried to keep them warm but couldn’t even though they were under the blankets. I didn’t have the AC on. Both feet were cold. I kept having to move them to keep them warm. I got up right before my med alarm to pee and then I just stayed in bed. I was so tired. I think the vaccines are affecting me more. Yesterday was worse and my arm is still sore. I am still tired today.

Last night I read my textbook for a little more than two hours and I still didn’t finish the chapter. I have about seven pages more to read. I got up about noon and had coffee. My niece made pancakes and I had some. Then my sister told us to go downstairs for her party. The football game was going to start. I stayed until the burgers were made and then I went upstairs. I am stuffed. So much good food. My aunt came over, which was nice.

I laid down for a bit and got palpitations. My heartrate went up to 113. I am trying to calm down. I don’t know why it is happening. I don’t feel anxious. I just feel so tired. I hate it. I have no damn energy for anything.

I need to do my meds for the week. I haven’t done it yet. I will probably change my sheets tomorrow. I don’t feel like doing it today. I am kind of in a blah mood. I really need to get through the textbook reading. That is my priority for today.

Saturday Blog 07092024

I woke up around 1am to pee and had a really difficult time going back to sleep. I finished Moby Dick. Such a strange sad book. I thought my sister and I were going to go suit shopping but she changed her mind and I was grateful because I was so damn tired. I thought it was because I was up half the night but I ended up napping after I had a couple cups of coffee, which I never usually do. I think the vaccines are making me really tired. I have been resting all day as I have been slowly clearing my bed off. I have made progress. There is just small stuff on my bed now that I can move off. I should be able to change my sheets tomorrow.

Other than resting, I really haven’t done much of anything else all day. I still need to read my textbook which I probably will after I write this blog. I hope it isn’t a long chapter. I have two chapters I need to read. I wanted to go out today but I was too tired. I have only been up for a few minutes at a time most of the day and been laying down for the rest of the day. I had the rest of the pizza I made yesterday. I might have some ice cream. I don’t know though. I want chocolate.

I’ve been very thirsty most of the day today. During the night I was as well. I was alternating between Powerade and water. I just finished my liter of water. I need to fill it up again. I don’t remember if I had two or three cups of coffee today. My sister wanted me to try her pasta salad so I went downstairs with my coffee and I lost count of my cups. The pasta salad was very good. Tomorrow she is having a party because it is the start of the football season. I don’t know if my brother in law is going to make his chili. The weather has been nice and cool. I am so glad the heat is gone for now. I did have to put the AC on last night as my room got a little hot. It’s comfortable now.

My sinuses are so congested. I have post nasal drip and it’s driving me crazy as I keep having to clear my throat. I should start using Flonase again to try and clear it out some. I just hate using another medication. Tomorrow I go up on the Topamax. I will be taking 50mg at night and 25 mg at day for a total of 75mg a day. Another week and then I will be at 100 mg a day. I just hope it doesn’t interfere with my thinking. So far it hasn’t and I think it is because we are going slow with the dose. I don’t know if I am going to stay at this dose or what. But we’ll see if it helps. So far I haven’t had headaches but I did get a migraine last night. My eye felt like an ice pick was in it. I had to take a triptan for it. I didn’t have any linger headaches in the morning. I was just tired. I hope I am not this tired tomorrow.