Category: depression

Overslept

I took a trazodone last night, hoping it would work as my sleep has been awful the past week or so. I went to bed around 930. I didn’t really mean to fall asleep as I waiting for somethings on my game to be done so I could complete one of the tasks. But within like 10 mins, I was out and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at 730. I was in the middle of a dream and felt awful. My next few alarms went off but I didn’t get up. I ended up falling back to sleep and when I woke up it was 1130. Oops. It was too late to go to class. I felt awful, mentally and physically. I had a hangover from sleeping so much.

I emailed the professor to say I wouldn’t be in class, again. My DMH worker texted me wanting to call me today. We talked for about an hour or so. I just felt so bad. I told her my concerns about my therapist and she encouraged me to talk to her tomorrow when we meet. Boston just put a winter advisory out as temps are going to be wicked cold. It’s probably going to be colder in East Boston as it is by the water. I will bundle up.

I managed to brush my teeth and shave. I wanted to shower but I don’t feel like it. My therapist’s office called to confirm my appointment tomorrow and they deadnamed me again. My therapist told me it was all straightened out. I just texted her the message I got. Told her I want that name taken out of the system. I am going to raise hell tomorrow.

Painsomnia kept me up.

I had mac and cheese for dinner last night and I think that annoyed my gallbladder. It was hurting me all night. I slept for a few hours and then woke up around 1ish. That was the end of sleep. I tried going back to sleep at different times but never could. The thing with FAFSA was on my mind and I was feeling really depressed. Around three, I contacted a trans hotline, which was useless. I don’t think there is anyone there because no matter what time I call, no one picks up. I am sick of it and am not going to use it anymore or tell anyone about it. If I see someone promoting it, I am going to tell them no one is there.

Today was a holiday so I didn’t reach out to anyone. It was icy and windy and cold so I didn’t leave the house. Tomorrow it is going to be colder but hopefully no wind. I just hope the streets are better for walking. I talked to my professor about the book as I can relate to it and apparently, we haven’t begun to talk about the section so I am ahead in the reading. I am not looking forward to the Italian homework as there is 18 sections. Ugh. And I got to do a discussion thing on tattoos from the book. I will work on it on Wed. I still need to go to the grocery store and get some American cheese so I can make my cheesy eggs.

I started journaling last night. I was hoping it would help my anxiety around school. Getting my degree means so much to me. If I can’t get it because of the jerk in office, I don’t know what I am going to do. I know mentally I am not going to be stable.

I am so tired. I tried to take a nap a few times today but couldn’t rest. My mind just kept going in the gutter. I kept thinking of ending things. I don’t know if I am going to bring this up to my therapist or not. I guess it will depend on what kind of mood I am in. I just hope I get some sleep between now and then. I am going to bed early tonight. Hopefully I will sleep most of the night.

Somewhere I belong

There was a windy snow storm last night. I was up by the wind and the terrible drops of snow that were loud and scary. My room became wicked cold. I slept a little bit. I heard my med alarm go off but I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed for a few more hours. I got up and took my meds and then used the bathroom. I made coffee. My sister texted me asking if I wanted coffee and I went down once it was finished making it. I wish I didn’t go downstairs as all she did was complain about how I don’t do anything and I should be pitching in more to help my sister. She went as far as to ask my doctors to get more “stamina” to do housework. So I was already feeling low and now felt worse. I went back upstairs to make another cup of coffee.

My other sister was in the kitchen cooking something or cleaning. I don’t remember. We discussed what we needed for paper goods for the house. I usually buy them and she buys soaps and stuff. I made another cup of coffee. I wanted something to eat but I didn’t know what I wanted. My sister was making lentil soup and sausage stuffing.  I finished my coffee and then went to my room.

I did my meds for the week. I had to make a few refills. I also asked my psychiatrist for 90 days supply of my psych meds because I am not sure what is going to happy now that the worm man is in charge. My mood kept going from depressed to suicidal and back. I kept playing my game to distract. After I did my meds, I had something to eat. I made mac and cheese and had some stuffing. It was spicy as my sister used hot sausages. I don’t know which food annoyed my gallbladder but I am hurting right now. I was doing so well that last couple of weeks. I just don’t know what to do about it other than to lie down.

I read my book and OMG it talks about transformation and stuff. He had prefaced that the author was lesbian although was definitely not open given the times and she uses the word “queer” a lot. The character in the book, a 12 year old girl, wants to be validated and recognized so talks about her big brother’s wedding and how she is going to leave the town to anyone who would listen to her. Then she meets this soldier and I got a weird feeling but it was harmless. I still need to read another 20 pages but damn it makes my head hurt as it is so boring and there isn’t any space between the writing, it just goes on and on.

I have been on and off planning suicide plans. I won’t do anything this semester. Least I hope I won’t. I know where the stuff is but I don’t know where it is so that is a good thing. I might mention it to my therapist this week when I see her but she doesn’t do a good suicide risk assessment. She hasn’t asked me anything since bringing up Shneidman’s work. Fuck. I just saw a post about FAFSA (federal financial aid) and they are really taking it away from transgender students. I just don’t remember if I put male or trans on my form and I don’t think I can edit it. I am freaking out right now. I feel like my identity as an academic is being attacked as well as a person. I am not in good head space right now.