Category: depression

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It’s easy to say
But it’s never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It’s easy to say but it’s never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I’ll be safe in your sound ’til I come back around

For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I heard this song on one of the reels I watched on FB and had to listen to the entire song. I cried. It is a sad song and the singer sings it very well to get the feels. I bought the song and played it on repeat for a while. It touched me so much.

I sent a text to my therapist asking her to ask her supervisor or a manager to have the office call me by my legal name. They keep calling me my deadname and it is bothering me. I am no longer that person.

I talked with my advisor as I had some questions. She didn’t realize that the docusign thing had the wrong year on it so I had to fill it out again in case it was null. Also as I have four classes left in my degree audit, I asked what do I do with the credits I need to graduate. She said I needed like 126 credits so I needed to take extra classes. I asked if they are elective and she said they were. So now I am open to more psych classes that I want to take. I still need two 400 level courses. The sucky thing is that because my math was wrong, I won’t be graduating next year like I thought. I will have a better idea of how to plan my classes after this semester. If I can handle two classes now that I have therapy in place, maybe things will go and I can complete them. I am nervous because I know how I get. The semester starts off strong and then I get depressed and overwhelmed and drop a class to stay afloat. That’s why there are more W’s on my transcript than grades.

I am hoping to see my friend tomorrow. Maybe I can have lunch with her. Depends on when I can get my ass out of bed. I had the strangest dream that kept on continuing through the night. I was in Star Trek Next Gen and I had to save the crew with Wesley. Wesley disappeared once we came to some weird ass space station. I kept talking to Captain Picard about our situation trying to some up with some plan but lost one of the equipment mid dream. It was so bizarre. I woke up with a damn headache.

My laptop restarted during the night. It was running for I don’t know how long. I hate when it does this. It never goes to sleep when it restarts for the stupid updates. I started clearing off my bed a little bit. It’s still not done but it’s getting there. I found a bottle of allegra that I bought. I am glad because I have a quarter of a bottle left and will need it by the end of the month. I made an egg burrito for dinner. I put hot sauce on it and my mouth is finally cooled off. I still don’t know how I am going to get my migraine med. I will have to wait till next week to pick it up.

Bitching and moaning

Today was a rotten day. My therapist canceled so that left me with a couple of hours to do nothing before my pcp appointment. I didn’t want to move or get out of bed. I managed to brush my teeth and shave but my muscles were not happy about it. My back kept on cramping on me. I left early so I could take the shuttle rather than walk to the office.

I had another bout of insomnia last night. I woke up around 1 and couldn’t go back to sleep for the life of me. I rested but couldn’t sleep. I am wicked tired. Pcp appointment went ok. She wants to do some tests and for me to do another sleep study but it is not happening. She also is thinking a PT for my breathing problem. I told her I tend to hold my breath while doing stuff and then I am winded. I just forget to breathe. She is going to talk to a colleague about which therapist would be ideal. I didn’t have to do blood work. I was glad of that.

It took forever to get home. The bus came and then left without taking any passengers. I don’t know why. We had to wait another fifteen minutes for the next bus. Then it got stuck in traffic around the T station. I was ready to fall asleep. I was so tired. Then I get an email from UMB saying they need another SAP bullshit and letters of support. I need to talk to my advisor as we need to come up with another damn plan and shit. I am so tired I am not doing it today. I will get started on it tomorrow. I have to write a statement again.

I got my migraine med filled but it’s fucking $40. I don’t know if MassHealth didn’t pay or rejected it. It was a zero copay last time I got it. I have to go to the store tomorrow and find out. I don’t know how I am going to pay it. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I will go before I see him so I can get Starbucks. I have been craving their egg wrap with Sriracha sauce. I really like this hot sauce. I thought it would be hotter than tabasco but it isn’t.

I’ve spent another day in bed. I’ve had a wicked headache that feels like a concussion. I managed to brush my teeth and shower. I wasn’t in the mood for shaving. I had a cup of coffee but nothing else to eat or drink. I’ve been trying to drink powerade but I’m not thirsty. I just feel lousy. I am glad I am seeing my pcp tomorrow.

I also have therapy tomorrow. I won’t be able to stop at the Italian market because I will need to head into Boston. It’s going to take me a little while to walk to the station.

I was hoping to read more today but didn’t. I don’t think I will read tonight. I just want to sleep. This headache is awful. I took some ibuprofen and it didn’t even touch it. Hope the cycle isn’t starting again. I really don’t want to end up in the ED.

This is how I feel about my headaches.