Category: depression

Who’s going to hold you like me?

I had a difficult time sleeping last night, again. I woke up several times and then around 330 I really couldn’t sleep. My legs were restless. I had to take an Ativan to get them to calm down. I didn’t take a Latuda last night because I didn’t eat enough yesterday. I have been losing weight because my appetite has decreased. It is wicked hot today, 95/35 degrees and feels like 100. All I did was sweat while I was having my coffee. I feel like shit still.

I brushed my teeth and shaved after I had my coffee. I was trying to find my fusion razor but couldn’t find it. Ugh. I had the blades but not the handle. I just used my Mach3. I need to change the blade next shave. I might take a shower today. But I am really tired so it might just be an idea at this point.

I don’t know what I want to eat. It’s almost 4pm and I haven’t had anything to eat yet. I just am not hungry. I haven’t had much to drink today. I just had one cup of coffee. I have been trying to drink some water but it is slow going.

Just playing with fire

I was sure my kidneys weren’t doing good so I had my doctor check them. They are fine. I was wrong. How can I feel so fucking awful and tired and have kidney like pain and be fine?? I just don’t get it. I give up. It took me more than hour to reach the square on the way home because the red line was running shuttles. If I had known, I would have gone the other way home and skipped Starbucks. Or maybe gone to another location. I was pissed they didn’t stop at all the stops on the red line so I got a bus that just took me to the end of the line and then I had to head back. I was not fucking happy. We would be passing the Starbucks so I ordered something. I had the intention to read but I was so flustered and tired and hot that I said fuck it. I just had something to eat and my iced coffee and then went to the bus stop to wait for the bus home.

It’s supposed to be in the 90s all week. I have an appointment with my DMH worker Thursday. I am going to see if I can meet with her virtually. I feel like shit and this heat is driving me fucking mad. I just want to hug my AC all the time. I don’t care if I am freezing my ass off. My blood pressure is normal. I guess I am just having a bad day. I didn’t sleep good last night. I woke up with a sneeze and then had to pee and that was it. I was up. I didn’t go back to sleep till after 0600. I took my morning meds then. I still woke up around 10 after sleeping a few hours. I weighed myself and lost seven pounds without dieting. I haven’t been eating as much the past few days. I have been drinking a lot because it is so damn hot.

I came home and literally crashed. I got undressed and just laid down. My room was kind of hot because I had shut the AC off while I was out. I feel like I could sleep. There is no baseball until Friday. I hate the All Star break. So my days and nights are wicked free. I can read more. I am trying to finish Moby Dick. I am almost at 50%. I don’t know what page I am on as it is not giving me the option. I might read later if I calm down enough to read. I am just wicked upset that I am feeling so bad and nothing is wrong. Makes me think it is mental or something. I see the NP next week for this back pain I have been having. It is at the crack of dawn so I hope I can make it.

Today is not my fucking day. I just shit myself. I thought it was a fart and you know how the saying goes, never trust them. I am done for the day. Going to take an Ativan and cool off in my room. Later, readers…

Sleep was disrupted last night. I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read for a long while. Fell asleep around dawn and once I silenced my med alarm, I didn’t stir until 2pm or so. I took my meds and need to fill my med box for the week.

I made a PB&J sandwich and coffee. I was sweating so bad by the time I finished my coffee. I had taken my shirt off cause I knew it was hot in the kitchen. I’m wicked thirsty. I got to wash my water bottle. I have no energy. Sox won.

I’m trying to stay awake so I don’t wake up at 2am again. It’s so hard. Allergies are high today. Been sneezing my head off. My flank pain has finally stopped. I got cramps in my back though. Damn those hurt.

I got to brush my teeth. I probably will do it when I go downstairs to wash my water bottle.

I woke up late. Felt like shit all day. I was resting all afternoon. I couldn’t get going even if you pointed a gun at me. I managed to shave my head and brush my teeth. While I was lying down, I got really suicidal. I just wanted to OD on something. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t want to live. I thought about reaching out but I didn’t. The whole thing seems like a joke to me. I feel so miserable. I just want to sleep or lay down all the time. I have no energy for anything. I was talking to my cousin last night and told him I just stay home. He said don’t you go out for coffee? I said I don’t. I hardly feel like leaving the house anymore. House is so hot that I just have my coffee and then retreat back to my room. I just had some cheese and pita chips. I wanted to make pancakes but it’s too hot to cook. I feel so run down. The side pain isn’t helping. No one knows how rotten I feel. Then my sister makes fun of me cause I’m in the kitchen having coffee. She is such a bitch.

I hate that I am fucking broke for the next week and a half. I’m out of the food I like. My niece ate my mac and cheese. I have ramen but I don’t want to eat hot food. I don’t want to cook even if it’s to boil water for the ramen. I hate being this way. Although I am no where near the level of suicidality I was in 2022, for the first time since then I honestly think I could end my life by my own hands again. I was doing ok with occasional suicidal thoughts but now it seems like every night I wonder if I should just die. The fuck its are strong. I was feeling so overwhelmed last night with the depression. I started watching Wall E the movie. My cousin texted me and while responding, I lost the movie. I said fuck it and didn’t open the app to turn it back on. It was after 8. I just went to bed. I thought about reading but couldn’t do it. Moby Dick is interesting. And I’m finally seeing why Dr. Shneidman thinks it’s about suicide. To be a whaler is kind of a suicidal mission.

I had coffee with my cheese. It didn’t do anything for the tiredness I feel. I’ll probably go to bed early tonight. Sox are playing day game so will be over soon. They are winning.