Category: depression

Saturday Blog 15062024

I just came home from a family event. One of my aunts asked me inappropriate questions about me being trans. It got uncomfortable. Thankfully another aunt asked questions and she shut up. She is losing her mind and is prejudiced. I avoided her for a long time while she visited when my mother was sick. I don’t go to these events because I get uncomfortable after a while. I took some food to carry home. I froze the burgers that I had. I am utterly exhausted from being out the past couple of hours and just want to fucking cry.

I wasn’t planning on going. I usually don’t go to parties because I usually never get a card. I just don’t believe in paying five bucks for something that is just going to get thrown away. I just wanted to read today and maybe clean my room in between. Now I am so exhausted I don’t know if I am going to be up for the game. I just want to fucking cry and stupid T won’t let me. I hate that I feel things in extremes at times, like I am either feeling joy or sadness or nothing at all. But when I hurt like I am hurting now I can’t do a damn thing about it. My feet hurt, head hurts, heart hurts, and back is cramping. I hate being alive sometimes.

Hot and stormy

I woke up because my sister wanted to tell me she was self-cleaning the oven and that my niece’s boyfriend was home. I got up to make some coffee. I wasn’t on the porch too long before the heavens opened up and it was lightening and thunder. I luckily took the chair cushions in the house. My sister had recycle on the porch but I didn’t have time to take it in. oh well. It was like 1000 degrees in my kitchen. I brought my second cup of coffee to my room.

I was hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I decided I wanted burgers so I went to the Square. I had my prescription to pick up and a library book too. I walked in one big circle. I had just missed the bus going home so I had to wait a half hour. I thought about getting some Starbucks but I am low on funds. I have just enough for a drink and a sandwich Thurs. I want to eat the egg, potato, bacon, and sausage wrap before I donate my blood. I will be in Boston all afternoon that day as I have appointments.

I got a call from the therapy place. They used my deadname in their message and when I called to correct them, they blew me off. I was so pissed. I am glad I listened to the voicemail as the transcription of the message didn’t include the day or time of the appointment. It’s this Monday for intake. Fun. I just hope I am up in the morning.

So I got the book, No Right To An Honest Living by Jacqueline Jones. It is much bigger than I thought it would be. I hope I can finish it in two weeks but something tells me I am not. This is why I love owning my books. I tried getting this on Amazon but it wasn’t available. Even the few bookstores in my area didn’t have it. I might have to order it somewhere online where it is in stock. My former coworker did an interview with her.

The Sox game is in rain delay so I can start reading the book. I am tired even though I had a cup of coffee with dinner. I made two burgers. They were yummy. I will have a couple tomorrow, too.

Short things

I managed to brush my teeth and shower today. I also went to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. I was disappointed they didn’t have my ice cream in stock. I wanted to reward myself for the trip out. I was going to go to the library but I just never made it out that way. I will try tomorrow. I have decided I am going to just take a cab to the police station and then take the T back home. I think that will be easier for than trying to manage bus routes.

I sort of crashed after my shower. I laid down, not even dressed, and snoozed a bit. It’s hot today and I have my AC on so it’s cool in my room. Sox will be playing tonight. I thought they would be off as they are playing interleague but I guess it is a three game series. They won last night. I had sort of given up on them after the 4^th run. They won 8-6. The Celtics are on a tear right now. I am so happy for them.

I haven’t done anything and I am so tired. I had a bad dream last night that woke me up around midnight. It was hard to settle down and then I started reading Moby Dick and it held my interest for a few chapters. I got a few requests for signed books. I will send them out at the end of the month. I just hope I have enough package envelopes. Might need to get more.

I keep having fleeting thoughts of ending my life. They don’t last more than a few minutes but in those minutes, I am pondering of going through with it. The meds I want to use are in a lock box so it will take some time to get to. I just wonder why I am here. It hurts so much to live. I just don’t get it. Part of me wants to reach out to my case worker but I don’t want to go to a crisis team or something. I see my psychiatrist next week. I see everyone next week and I donate blood.

Haunted me so stunningly

I wanted to go to the police station today. I didn’t. I then decided I was going to the library. I still haven’t left the house for anything. My chest hurts and my bladder is a little irritated for whatever reason. I have been going to the bathroom like every hour or two. It is annoying. I haven’t eaten anything today except a little asparagus. I don’t know what I want to eat. My choices are limited. I might make a bologna sandwich.

I slept good but I still feel fucking tired. Just getting out of bed was so hard today. I only got up because I had to pee. I did brush my teeth and shaved my head some as I missed a couple of spots yesterday. I am liking the baldness. Only thing that stinks is that my head is itchy all the time. I don’t know if I can put lotion on my head.

I can’t believe in two days my book will be available via ebook. I can’t wait. I have been sharing it everywhere to try and get people to look at it. I can’t wait to share it with my pcp when I see her next week.

I am depressed. I wasn’t able to do anything today and it bothers me so much. I tried working on the corner I didn’t do yesterday. I got too overwhelmed. I took out my recycle instead. I’m in a fuck it mood. I am eating fig newtons. I had a bologna sandwich and two oreos. I feel like fucking shit and do so day after day. I never have a good day anymore. Or if I do, I end up with severe pain at night. Past five nights, my CRPS pain has been awful. Like I can’t sleep kind of pain. I often don’t go to sleep until close to midnight most nights because I am so uncomfortable. My foot is hurting now but it will get worse later. I know it is probably because the weather has been going up and down. I am feeling so depressed and it happens nearly every night around the same time. I also get sleepy.

I took my night meds early. Sox are playing the Phillies tonight. Pivetta is pitching and I am mixed over whether or not to listen to the game. If he doesn’t get run support, he loses in a big way. There hasn’t been a consistent pitcher on the team all season.