Category: depression

Bedding changed and washed

I decided to change my bedsheets today. I had a couple cups of coffee and then had to go to my room for the second cup because I was sweating in the kitchen. It’s really hot today. I have been making sure to drink enough fluids as tomorrow I will be donating blood. I am almost done with my first bottle of Powerade. Plan is to drink at least two bottles and water.

I had a turkey sandwich for lunch as I got up around 1130. I had woken up around 3am to pee and had a hard time falling back asleep. I read for a bit. I am making progress in No Right To An Honest Living. I am almost half way done. I should be done with it by next week, if I continue on this pace. I will be taking the book with me tomorrow as I have some downtime between my DMH appointment and my pcp’s. It’s supposed to be 100 degrees tomorrow. I will be taking my time walking around MGH. I plan on bringing at least two bottles of Powerade with me. I might bring a sandwich, too. PB&J. All depends if I can get up early enough. I am trying to drink all my fluids before 7 tonight so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night to pee again.

I had a weird dream and a nightmare last night. I don’t remember the bad dream but I woke up startled. There was some light coming through the window last night, not enough to keep me awake but enough to annoy me. I used to have clips in my room to keep the curtains closed but I have no idea where they are as it has been a few years since I used them last. I have no idea what I am going to eat tonight. It is too hot to make a pot pie. I might just make a PB&J. It will be quick and easy.

My moods are starting to dip around 430pm and later. I am trying not to catastrophize things. I am still trying to promote my book but there are days I don’t feel like it. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I haven’t been getting inquiries into my book signing. I think that I just need to find the right audience to sell my book. I will be giving two copies to the Transgender Program where I go for care. I just requested local libraries to purchase my book. I also put a copy in the free books where people have their cases. I forget what they are called. There are two in my area. I have placed my copy of Midnight Demon and it is no longer there so I think someone might have taken it. I will do the same with this book.

Life would be dream

This song is stuck in my head after watching a reel of a baby. I just shaved my head and it feels so good. I think I need to put some kind of lotion on as it doesn’t feel smooth but dry. I like being bald. I am growing out my beard. It will take a few days to grow back.

I spent some time trying to figure out what financial aid needs as I got a message saying they had “missing information”. When I clicked on the thing it said it was in review. I don’t get it. I sent another email asking what to do. Haven’t received any response yet.

I slept fairly well last night despite waking up at 3 to pee. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so I took some Ativan and read until like 430. I put the curtains down and it has blocked light from coming in my room. I really love my room being dark. I plan on reading some more after I finish this blog.

I just had lunch. I took someone’s pizza from the fridge. It has been there since Sat so it needed to be eaten. I had two cups of coffee. My second cup wasn’t as full because I forgot to put my cup in the Keurig when I started it. Oops. I need to load the dishwasher. I unloaded it and my stupid sister had a vase that was fucking heavy. It caused the rack to come out. I texted my sister to check I put it on right. Fucking idiot she is.

Both the Sox and Celtics won last night. Celtics got their 18^th championship. I am so happy. Their last win was in 2008 and before that was 1986, which I remember well as I watched it. My youngest sister went to the casino with my aunt and cousin today. I won’t see her for a few days. I hope her Panda game wins her money. She is so lucky on the machine. When I went with her to see Sara Evans back in Jan, she won a lot. One game was $600 and the next game was almost $3k.

Listening to Terri Clark today. I love her so much. She is coming out with a semi-new duet album. I can’t wait. Trisha Yearwood is supposed to come out with a new album but I haven’t seen when. I am really excited about it because she hasn’t come out with something new in forever. I don’t know if Mary Chapin Carpenter is working on anything. I miss Twitter as I got most of my news from their but I no longer go on since the leader is a nazi sympathizer and just a white supremacist.

I just ate but am hungry again. I am thinking of making a turkey wrap with cranberry sauce. Also thinking of making another cup of coffee. I am tired despite sleeping well. I got up around 1pm. It is really hot in the house. It’s like 86 degrees today. Apparently there was a 911 blackout. I just got several messages it is back online. I am glad.

Was in my happy place today

I had my intake and they deadnamed me. I purposely sat there until they sorted out my right name and then the person apologized a few times. They need to update the damn system. The appointment went well. I went back to my hometown and was sad that so much has changed. Even the train station I got off at was HUGE compared to what I remember. The bus stop had changed place. There used to be multiple births but now there was just one central one for all the buses. I had just missed the one that would have been close to where I was going but it was ok. I walked like half a block. I did a LOT of walking today and my legs and sprained foot feel it.

I woke up before dawn. I tried to go back to sleep but just couldn’t. I was anxious that I wouldn’t get up when I needed to. I had my first cup of coffee around 0630. My bitchy sister told me the dishwasher had to be emptied. I don’t care. I am so tired. After my appointment, I went to the beach. I watched waves and the airplanes taking off. I forgot how much vibration the engines give off. I spent like a half hour just soaking in the place. It was so nice. I wish there was a place to sit as I would have stayed there all day. It was windy but nice. I miss smelling the salty air every morning.

On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some turkey and half and half. I asked my sister to pick me up as I knew walking back to the bus stop was going to be hard. I was getting winded and fatigue was starting to set in. I came home and make a turkey sandwich. I will make the burgers tonight for dinner. I rested and made another cup of coffee. I didn’t drink anything while I was out and was wicked thirsty. I had bought a vitamin water, which I noticed the price had doubled what it was a few years ago. They were having a “sale” but you had to spend like $5 in order to get 1 free. Screw that. I’ll just take my one bottle, thank you. When I finished eating, I noticed how fatigued my legs were. Going up the stairs was torture and of course soon as I was in my room, my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. Ugh.

I am debating on taking a nap or just staying up and going to bed early. The game is on at 1900 and the Celtics are playing game 5 in the finals. They are home, Sox are in Toronto. Allergies seem to be better today. It is hot though, in the 80s but no humidity, thankfully. The intake person told me it could be up to two months before I get an appointment with a therapist. Ugh. I knew there would be a wait. The good news is that they have prescribers now that are more accessible than they were before. I was thinking of changing my care to them and I might. I don’t like the two month time between my appointments with my psychiatrist. It just seems like too long.

Rested

I woke up before dawn to pee but was too lazy to get out of bed right away. I ended up being awake and having weird dreams before I got up to go. I don’t know what time it was because I didn’t charge my phone and it had shut off. I plugged it in and then slept in till around 11 or so. I took my meds and then had a sneeze attack. I have been sneezing on and off all day. I took some Benadryl and that has helped somewhat but it made me sluggish. I went to go make coffee and something to eat. I had taken some food home from the party yesterday and had that. I also took out the burgers I froze. I might have them tomorrow.

I read some of the library book I took out. I had another cup of coffee and the rest of the cookies I took home. It’s cooler today than it was yesterday. I sat on my deck to get some sun. I didn’t stay out too long because I can’t stand being hot. My phone caught the heat as it was really warm when I came in the house. I looked at the weather this week and the temps are going to reach 100 Thurs when I have to be in Boston for my four appointments. Hot and humid. Just lovely. Hope my pcp’s office AC is turned on by then. It was really warm when I was there not too long ago when our first heatwave hit.

Other than being stuffy today, I feel somewhat ok. I am worried about tomorrow’s appointment with intake. I fear them calling me my deadname. I will just walk out. This is the place that knew me before I transitioned. I just had another sneeze attack so I took some Flonase. OMG I don’t get why my allergies are so bad when it’s only medium pollen today. I fucking hate this. I keep blowing my nose.

I’m hungry again but I don’t think my burgers are thawed out yet. I really want ramen noodles but I don’t have any. I need to go to the grocery store to get more half and half so I will pick some up when I go, if I remember. Lot of good that does me now though.