Category: depression

Best buzz I’m gonna find

I got up later than I had planned. I woke up at 8 and then I snoozed. I couldn’t stay up as I was up half the night again. I really didn’t go back to sleep until daylight, which was probably around 5am or so. I had two cups of coffee and then I had to leave the house. I was late for my appointment with my case manager. I missed the bus and the next one was a little late. I did a lot of walking. I didn’t know which direction I was going home yet.

I met with my case manager for a little more than an hour. We had a good talk. She gave me some recommendations for therapy and Mass Rehab. I will be calling on Monday to see what services will work for me. She had some kind of plan that I had to sign. It was ok. She had the name of my psychiatrist wrong. I corrected it. I also had her cross out my therapist as I no longer see her. We agreed to meet in like three weeks when I see my pcp next as she is across the street.

I decided to take the green line home. I had to pick up my meds so I got off the same stop I got on and then waited for the bus. I got my meds and just missed the bus home. I had to wait another 15 mins or so for the next one. It just felt like it took forever to get home. I left for home around 1530 and didn’t get home till a little after 1700. I had stopped at the 7-11 to get something to drink as I was thirsty. I haven’t had supper yet. I am going to make a turkey sandwich. I’m just not hungry yet. I am wicked tired, though.

I had fallen asleep sometime after 2100 last night. Then I woke up from a bad dream around midnight and then I was up for most of the night. My foot acted up and it was over for going back to sleep. I read and wrote in my journal. I just couldn’t settle down. I went pee twice, which didn’t help. I wanted to shower today but I woke up too late. I will take one tomorrow. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow.

Trying not to nap

I slept till about 8am this morning. I had woken up to pee. I had some weird dreams about my pcp. I took my meds and rested till about 11 and then got up. I had some coffee. My cousin called and asked if we were still on for grocery shopping. I really didn’t need anything but turkey breast and just decided to go. $50 later, I came home. I am tired now. I was tired after my second cup of coffee. I have been trying to avoid a nap.

I came home and put the things away. Then I made some burgers. I still had my jack pepper cheese so I put them on the burgers. It was nice. I had bought a green tea but didn’t realize it didn’t have sugar in it. It was lousy. I drank like half of it then tossed it. My cousin bought me a coffee at Dunkins and it was like drinking dishsoap. I tossed it too.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist about whether I could get a referral to another therapist or if I had to leave where I get my care to see another therapist. He responded with “we’ll talk at our next appointment” and I need to see what my goals are. Fuck. I don’t know what I want out of therapy anymore. I see the DMH worker tomorrow. I just don’t know what I want to work on.

I need to shower today. And shave. I plan on doing this in an hour. Today was my migraine shot day. I have been migraine free (knock on wood) for almost a month. I haven’t had to take my PRN meds in weeks. I need to bring my sharps containers to the police station so they can be disposed of. I sort of know where to go but it has been a long while since I last went to the area. I can take the bus there, which is easier than taking the new green line. I do need to take the green line tomorrow when I go see the DMH worker.

My sinuses are kicking my ass today and the pollen count isn’t high at all as we had rain this morning. It has cooled off considerably. I like the temps in the 50s. It isn’t exactly short weather but I don’t care, I am cool. I was really suffering with the temps being close to 80 in my room even though outside was in the 70s. That is uncomfortable for me. I hate the heat. I keep meaning to clear the AC area but I just have no fucking energy. Just shopping took all I had. I was quick but my cousin took forever. He was my ride so I had to wait. I had nothing to do so didn’t mind.

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I wish I felt excited or cheerful but I feel like human garbage. I just feel so depressed. I want to cry so bad but the tears won’t come. I have been thinking of my mother most of the day. I woke up around 2 and thought about checking on her. I still think this and it has been more than a year. I went to Starbucks and the butcher shop today. I wanted burgers. I just went out and the whole time I was thinking I had to text my niece to see how my mother was. I feel so sad.

I thought about reaching out to my psychiatrist but why bother? He isn’t likely to do anything. I know I am just having a bad day. Wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I also bought a pasta salad with some chicken to eat. I ate like half and was full. I will make the burger later.

I hate sitting with the feelings. It is very uncomfortable. I am glad I went out as it has been a few days since I left the house. I wanted to read but I knew I really couldn’t given my mental state. I started reading “Who’s Afraid of Gender”? and it is a good book but not for teens. I also been reading Moby Dick. I thought about starting Principles of Psychology but that is a book to be tackled while out I think. It is very dense and a huge book. It will take me most of the summer to read it.

I am tired and just want to fucking sleep. But it is too early. I hate when the depression makes me fatigued and makes me miserable. I am trying not to beat myself up over it but it is hard. I keep thinking of past mistakes. I know this doesn’t help things and doesn’t make me feel great. It is hard to stop though. I am trying to think of good things and I know today is just a bad day.

My case worker called me today thinking we were meeting tomorrow. I had to correct her that we were meeting Friday. This is the second time she thought we were meeting on a Thursday. I might take a cab to Boston as the trains are going to be fucked up. Or I might take the green line in. I don’t know. I will decide Friday which way to go. My cousin is supposed to take me food shopping tomorrow. I want to get some more turkey breast. I like eating it when I want something light and easy to fix. I have to cook the burgers and I hate cooking. But I know it will taste awesome once it is done. I love a good homemade burger. I just wish I had pickles. Maybe I will steal some from my sister…