Category: depression

Marvelous time ruining every thing

I got up and felt good. I took my meds but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I got up around noon. I checked my messages on my phone and also checked the board for my class but the professor hasn’t posted anything yet. I had a cup of coffee and then got dressed to get my labs done.

I felt ok walking. The streets were clear for the most part. I avoided areas that weren’t shoveled. I mistimed the bus and had to wait like 20 minutes. I just put my earbuds in and listened to Taylor. It was cold and I put an extra layer on as my coat isn’t that warm. It used to have a middle layer but I took it out and have no idea what happened to it. I think the zipper broke and I got rid of it. When I got to the hospital, I stopped for a few minutes at a seating area. My legs still flare up on me. If the online class works out, I might do the rest of my classes online if they are available.

I went to the lab and they had to stick me twice to get blood. Then I cathed to give a urine sample as I didn’t have an urge to go. I knew it was going to be tricky. I tried to drink a lot but I still had no urge when I was there. I am glad I brought the caths with me.

I went home and the bus wasn’t going to there for another 25 mins. I waited inside until I got a sneeze attack and then went outside to wait for it. The bus was loaded with a lot of people and there was a woman who was preaching something as the bus pulled away. She was making such a commotion. I just closed my eyes and listened to my music. She piped down after no one was giving her attention.

I haven’t eaten anything today. I am not really hungry. I probably will have a turkey sandwich. Yesterday I made a turkey sandwich with stuffing and cranberry sauce. It was so fucking good. I kind of want a PB&J so I don’t know what I will make.

I am so tired. Last night I think was the first time I slept from like 1am to 8am, with no interruptions. I didn’t take the trazodone last night. I wanted to see how I would do without it. If I can repeat this tonight, I might stop it and let my psychiatrist know. What my therapist said the other day about my dreams being psychological is sticking in my head. I am so annoyed. I asked a friend if experiencing headaches with dreams was psychological and he said it isn’t usual. I didn’t think it was. I can’t control my dreaming.

Think I am getting sick

My nose has been running and I have been sneezing most of the day. I hope I am not getting sick. I went to the grocery store today with my sister who is recovering from Covid. It has been the first time I have seen her in over a week.

I got a message from UMB IT department about my name change in one of the systems. They said I had to have the name in one of the other system as this system feeds into it. My name was already changed in that system so obviously, something needs to be done. I am kind of freaking out because my online class starts Friday.

I have been feeling depressed on and off all day. It isn’t grief or sadness. Just a low level mood. I want to sleep but I just can’t. My mind keeps going on and on about things. I woke up like a few times during the night but was able to get back to sleep. I slept until my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t get up right away. I got up when my cousin called to cancel taking me to the grocery store. He wasn’t feeling good. My mood sucks. I don’t feel suicidal. I don’t feel that low. I just am worried that I am going to be ok for classes for the first few weeks and then I will ease off because the depression will get worse. I started reading the second textbook for my online class. Not an easy read as it is about sex work in Paraguay. I probably will start reading a chapter a day. But depression interferes with my concentration. Sometimes I just can’t focus.

I am growing out my hair. I want to take some off the top but am scared to do it myself as I am as close as I would like to be. I want the top to be a little longer so I have some bangs. I stopped shaving a couple of days ago. It should all be grown in by the end of the month. My hair grows fast.

Rough day

I have been up since 5. I did three loads of laundry. The 3^rd load, I forgot to hit start so an hour later when I went downstairs, I thought the wash was done. It wasn’t. ugh. I had three cups of coffee. I was planning on making a fourth cup before therapy but time got away from me. I had woken up with my chest muscles hurting me so fricken bad. I took methocarbamol. I wanted to take at least three doses but I didn’t put the time in my app or even make note of the time. So I just had two doses. Might have a third dose if I am up. I just took my meds so I hope to be sleeping soon.

I honestly need a new therapist but I am too scared to find someone else. I don’t want to expose myself to rejection. Today she said that she basically washed her hands of telling me about coping skills because I have rejected what she said earlier in therapy. She also thinks my dreams and headaches are psychological. I don’t understand how they could be as I can’t control what I dream about. Most of the time, the dreams don’t make sense when I wake up. Like I dreamt I was on the Enterprise with the Picard crew. Another time, I had a conversation with my mother but I don’t remember what we talked about. I have noticed that if I am in the actual dream rather than “watching” what I am dreaming about, I get headaches more often than not. She also wants me to be a self-initiator. I felt like logging off when she said that. She got me so mad.

I am so tired. My pcp got back to me over some concerns I had with urination, stomach ache, and my blood pressure being high the last week or so. She ordered some urine and blood tests. I might go tomorrow after I go grocery shopping. I am going to bring a cath with me in case I can’t go. It has taken a lot of fluid in order to go, some times it is hours after I drink something. I have nearly drank a liter of water and I still don’t have the urge to pee. I also been feeling dizzy but when I take my blood pressure, it is high, not low. I miss drinking my powerades. Sometimes I just need the sugar rush. Drinking plain water sucks.

I’ve been up since 5am. I woke up in pain. I took some meds and wasn’t really tired to get back to sleep. I worked on my book and finished it. Now I just need to pay the editor so I can get it published. I’m glad I finished it before classes started otherwise I might not have had time to work on it.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I tried taking a nap but my stomach has been bothering me. Feels like someone is punching me in the stomach. I don’t know why I’ve been having so much pain lately. I thought it was the iron pills but I guess not. I’m scared to see my pcp about it. I just don’t want invasive tests to sort it out. I’m not nauseous or vomiting so I am not too concerned.

My sister made chili so I had that for supper. It was good. She is also making braised short ribs. The sauce is good.

I wanted to finish the book I’ve been reading but the new sleeping pill works in like a half hour so I haven’t been able to finish it. It’s a long chapter. I hope to finish it before bed tonight. Which reminds me, I haven’t done my med boxes yet. I should do that now so I don’t forget again.