Category: depression

Tired of being fucking tired

I had a rough night sleeping but got decent sleep. I woke up with brain fog and it was so damn hard to get going. I didn’t want to get out of bed but my bladder forced me to. I had a cup of coffee before I even took my meds. I just felt so blah. I came back to my room and took my meds and then went back down to have some more coffee. One of my textbooks came today and it was one I already owned. I couldn’t remember if I read it or not. I decided to go to Starbucks to start reading it.

I brushed my teeth and then went up to my room to get dressed. I was having a really hard time finding the energy to move. I checked the bus schedule and the bus would be coming soon. I just had to get dressed. I decided to wear sweatpants and my Sox pullover. It was warm so I wouldn’t need a jacket. I was out of breath by the time I got to the bus stop. I had time to rest before the bus came. I ordered Starbucks. I didn’t really know what I wanted to drink. They still had their sugar cookie latte so I decided on that with 5 shots. By the time I got to Starbucks, I was tired. I wanted to leave but I figure I would drink my latte and eat the wrap I ordered. After that I read for about a half hour and I did read this book before. I just don’t remember much about it as it has been more than 15 years since I read it. I looked at my degree audit to see if I took this class before and I didn’t. The book was for my Native American class that I took and ended up failing because I never submitted the final paper. I was doing too many things then to work on the paper. I hope I don’t have the same difficulties this time around.

I had to pick up my meds and I was thankful the gabapentin was ready. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be today or tomorrow as it was on hold when I checked it this morning. I went to the bus stop and the bus came. I walked home and by the time I reached my house, I was so out of breath. I really need to take a walk around the block more. I am so deconditioned. I went up to my room after using the bathroom. I then was in a panic on what to do. I had to blog. I worked on the family piece I have been writing. I added another 100 words. I am getting closer to the 1000 word mark. I just am not there yet. I also need to finish the John Grisham book I am half way through. I just didn’t know what to do first and it made me really anxious. And classes haven’t even started yet. I just want to cry. I am tired and going to campus is going to be a hike. I will be going twice a week so it at least gets me out of the house. And it is in the afternoon so I don’t have to worry about oversleeping. I just need to manage my time better.

I still need a shower and I also need to shave my head again as I didn’t do it yesterday. I am so tired though. I am so tired of being fucking tired. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks. I am going to ask him for some help with sleeping because I don’t know what to do anymore. I will also tell my therapist to see if she has anything that can be done. But waking up with headaches is so hard. I wake up from dreams with them. And then it takes a while to get back to sleep while my head is exploding. I don’t know if I need to get up when I wake up at like 3 or 4 am and stay up rather than go back to sleep for a few more hours. I usually have about 6 hours sleep by then. That should be good enough. I need to make two trips into town next week. I have to get my bloodwork done and go to UMB to get my ID done.

Clusterfuck

I had a shitty night of weird dreams and headaches. I woke up at like 3 with my head splitting. I took some meds and was able to get back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later with the same bullshit. I am so fucking tired. I had an appointment with my pcp and we discussed this. She is going to send a note to my psychiatrist and neuro about this. I don’t know what more I can do but I am like a fucking infant needing to sleep every few hours. I was up at 11 and by 2 I was ready to nap. I was fighting sleep so hard. I rested for about twenty minutes before my appointment time. She is going to check my iron levels as they haven’t changed much since last lab draw. She is also ordering a stool test for colon cancer. I poop in a bucket and then mail off my stool. I don’t have any risk factors for it. She is only doing the test because I have met the age requirement. Fun. Another year older and now I have all these tests. I just got a provider letter saying I am due for my mammogram. Um….someone needs to update the computer as I no longer have any breast tissue.

I had a window where I was clearheaded enough to write. I tried adding to the document I am working on for family acceptance of me being trans. I wanted to get at least 1000 words. I am at 627. 400 words to go.

I am feeling really tired and cranky. My stomach has been bothering me all day. I have no idea why. I gave it food and it hurts more now. I just had coffee. I had a cup with my black bean burger. I wanted to shower but never got around to it. I hate that I have been up for about six hours and feel the need to go to bed when it’s only 630pm. Like WTF. It rained most of the day today and tomorrow has a 40% chance of it. I hope it doesn’t because I need to go out. I am going to try and go to UMB and get my ID done. I also want to see where the class will be. It’s on the first floor but it is a building I am not familiar with.

I did the laundry today as the hamper was overflowing. It’s cold in my room. I might put a long sleeve shirt on if the temp drops. I just don’t want to be too hot as I sweat so much. I hope I sleep tonight or I will not be able to do anything tomorrow.

College is becoming more real

I took the chance that I will be able to afford my textbooks and bought them on Amazon. I have the 4^th edition of my psych book as I couldn’t find the 3^rd edition. Hopefully there isn’t a huge difference between the editions. I also checked my email and my NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED!! Finally! No more deadname!!! I am so happy about this as every time I saw my deadname I became dysphoric and if a new professor called me my deadname in a future email I would be crushed.

The past several hours I have been thinking about my mother. It is a really odd feeling when you are expecting a phone call from her and knowing you are not going to get it. I haven’t listened to her birthday message from last year. I just can’t take hearing her voice right now. I still remember one of the last few voicemails she left on my phone asking me to call if I was home or not. She was so hard of hearing that she never really heard me leave the house. I was too quiet for her to hear me.

I see my pcp tomorrow for a follow up for things. I will be going into Boston and I am still trying to navigate getting there. I don’t know if I should take a cab or walk from the station. It is supposed to rain tomorrow so depending on how hard it is coming down (if at all), I will make a decision. I wanted to go out today, just a walk around the block but I chickened out. I went downstairs to get some ham for lunch. My sister was on a work call so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her.

In my facebook memories today was a pic of me and my childhood friend. It was taken before T so I did a transition comparison. In the old pic, I had some goatee hairs. It just affirmed to me that I was a guy even before I realized I was. I know my hormones were higher than a normal female but when the changes with T started happening, it just felt more natural. I sometimes wish I came out sooner but I know that my parents wouldn’t have accepted me. I probably would have attempted more than once if I tried and got rejected.

Last night I was having a dream I was having chest pain and called an ambulance. I woke up with tightness in my chest. I just curl up in bed and it just hurts my chest muscles when I wake up and stretch out. It took forever for the feeling to go away. I wasn’t really taught any exercises to open up the chest area. I was pretty much on my own to do so. No PT was offered. I wish there was. I might ask my pcp tomorrow if I remember.