Category: depression

Saturday Blog 24062023

I am having my second cup of coffee in my room. I just had a burger my sister made last night with my first cup of coffee. I had some chips and salsa but the salsa didn’t taste as good as I thought it would be. It was mango by Newman’s Own. I like the pineapple one better. It is sweet and hot at the same time. So good.

I woke up at 3pm today. I didn’t mean to sleep so late but I was up till 3am so I was tired. I sent my psychiatrist a message around 1 or 2am saying I wasn’t going to go in the hospital. I finished the book Choosing to Live and I feel hopeful that I can handle things a little better. My therapist might be furious with me but I don’t care. I am not planning on seeing her this coming week. I just can’t. She can be so condescending. Sometimes I really don’t think she has a clue how hard depression and chronic illness can be. My psychiatrist just responded and hopes to see me sooner than Aug to discuss my sleep issues. I think it is just PTSD that wakes me up and keeps me up as I am still “hearing out” for my mother. I don’t know what else it could be.

I need to do my meds for the week. I am still taking the iron pills. When I am done with the prescription, I will stop taking them. The doc said I just need to take them for a month and then recheck my blood work. I haven’t been eating any iron rich foods. I barely have eaten anything other than burgers and cauliflower. The burger I had today will probably be the only thing that I eat. I hope I can keep up with my fluid intake because I have been sweating since getting up. It is so muggy today despite the temps being in the 70s.

I was reaching for my nail clippers and knocked my water bottle off my night stand. Fuck. Water got on some books. Luckily I had a towel in my room to wipe it up. UGH. I am thirsty. I don’t know why when I drink water, that is all I want to drink. I usually alternate between water and Gatorade. I am just sweating a lot and don’t want to get dehydrated as then I will really feel like shit. My chest has been sweating so bad since I got up. It is soaking wet. I’m probably going to have to shower tomorrow.

Sox are tied in Chicago playing the White Sox. I have to make sure I include Red in my tweets so that people know which Sox I am talking about. A couple of my former favorite players are on the team. I miss them. I am glad they are playing in the afternoon. I have only been up for a couple of hours and already I want to go to bed. I am so fricken tired all of a sudden. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep but I just want to lie down. Heat isn’t helping.

Someday

I woke up again around 430. I had something to drink and was able to get back to sleep. It was a rough night. I kept thinking about things I need for the hospital and what I want to bring. I have most of my clothes packed. I just need a couple of tshirts and PJ pants that don’t have strings.

I told my niece I will be going in the hospital. She supports me. Today is my half birthday. I don’t know how it got to be Friday. Seems like yesterday was Monday. I haven’t worked on my personal statement since Monday. I am feeling heartache today. I am just so damn down. I have been thinking of maybe going in the ED Sunday night so if there are discharges on Mon I can get in somewhere. I would like to go back to the hospital I was in back in October but there is no guarantee they will have a bed. I just realized the only thing I ate yesterday was two cake pops. I think I had Ensure but I don’t remember. I just don’t want to eat.

I am topless in my room. I had to take my shirt off as I am trying to get used to the new me. I don’t like my belly and I think that is why I am having trouble eating. It is something I am working on though. I figure if I drink a few ensures and nothing else, the weight will drop. Hasn’t worked though for some reason. I know part of it is that I haven’t been active. I hate that I can’t walk like I used to. It kills me that I used to walk at least two miles at a time and now I can’t go more than four blocks without getting tired.

I saw my surgeon today after they woke me up to schedule an appt. I rushed in the office, not having coffee or something to eat. Surgeon said the swelling is the chest wall so that is good. I changed my pcp appt to in person as I was in the area. After the surgeon, I went to Starbucks for a mocha.

I sat outside my pcp’s office building as I had some time to kill. I was in a bitchy mood. I just wanted to sleep. I had a rough time sleeping (see previous post). I was still in pain with my chest and leg. I finished the mocha and went upstairs. I forgot what floor the clinic was on so hit the wrong button. I was feeling really depressed. My pcp came in and said she saw my message to my psychiatrist. We talked about what to do and I agreed to go inpatient on Monday. I figure that will be better trying to get a bed than today or tomorrow.

I came home and looked for my backpack. I found it in my closet. It had some clothes in it. I took it out. Also had a journal. No idea when I started writing in it. I still haven’t opened it. I don’t really care. I messaged my therapist and she didn’t understand. Told her bed availability might be better Mon and haven’t heard back from her. I don’t care. I then took a nap. I slept pretty good. Now I don’t know if I will sleep tonight.