Category: depression

Starbucks and therapy

I had another horrible night trying to sleep. I kept tossing and turning so around 0330, I got up to take another gabapentin as my damn foot was bothering me so much. I went back to sleep an hour later. I got up around 1030 for coffee and my half and half was gone. I was cursing. How was I gonna have coffee? There was some milk so I used that but I only drank about half a cup. I was feining for caffeine and was not in a good mood. I had therapy in an hour and was cranky.

I told my therapist she was a bitch, though I didn’t say that. I said she was a b with an itch. We talked about my trauma and she wants me to use DBT to help deal with the anxiety of it. I found something on the www.dbtselfhelp.com website. I will go through it later today. I am expecting a deliver of half and half and then my groceries are to come between 4 and 6. We also talked about whether she was right for me and I was just like I think this will work. She shook her head in disbelief. I have four years invested in her. I think if I really, really hated her or felt she wasn’t right for me, I would have left her before now. And besides, if I could have a medically serious overdose and she is still willing to work with me, that says something about our relationship. Though I am probably going to spend some time thinking about our relationship now. She asked why I wanted another session. I asked if there had to be a reason and she was like it is helpful. I’ve never had a therapist question a second session during the week like she does. It drives me up a wall. Like if I felt like I could wait till Monday, I would wait but obviously, I am troubled before then.

I need to clear the space for my brother in law so he can put in the AC. I am sick of my room being 90 degrees. I just showered and I am sweaty already. I haven’t done a damn thing and I am sweating. It is going to be worse when my groceries come as I will be up and down the stairs. It downpoured soon after we came home last night so I didn’t get to bring down my recycle. Now I have two bags. I also have a trashbag that will probably be filled today while I make space for my AC. I am going to put some clothes for goodwill in a bag.

I was in desperate need of caffeine after therapy so I ordered Starbucks and a sandwich. I love the sweet vanilla cream cold brew coffee so I ordered that instead of a latte. I know espresso affects me differently than straight coffee does. For some reason, espresso really keeps me focus and awake while caffeine can make me sluggish and sleepy. I’ve never gotten the shakes from coffee or espresso before. I think I am immune. I try not to have it too late or I know I won’t sleep until late. Coffee I am fine to drink late but espresso will keep me up.

Last night an Elle King and Miranda Lambert song called drunk and don’t want to go home song came on while we were in the restaurant and I started dancing because the song was so moving. I was singing too as I drank my Jack and coke. I also got Taylor’s version songs that I didn’t have. There are three I am missing but I don’t know what they are without a Google search. I also pre-ordered Speak Now (Taylor’s Version). It is 2 cds. I cannot wait. I am listening to Fearless TV. I still think That’s When should have been released on country radio as Keith Urban duets with Taylor. It is such a cute song.

My foot is hurting. Not bad but enough to make me complain about it. I better start clearing shit now before the pain gets unbearable. Till tomorrow readers…

Drinking a lot of water today

The temps are high and it is muggy. I hate summer so much. It is only a few days into the season and I am melting today. I had two cups of hot coffee as I didn’t want to make it iced. I checked media until I finished my second cup and then retreated to my room to listen to the ballgame. My Sox are losing right now. I had to stop listening because the announcer was pissing me off. UGH

I sent an email reply to my advisor as I need to come up with a plan to get on track with my degree. I think I am in academic probation as I can’t get financial aid. I dropped a class as I think I am going to be taking just one class if I don’t get aid. I am meeting with her tomorrow. I told her my name has changed and added my pronouns to my signature on both my university email and personal. I wanted to do the appeal today but I need a plan from my advisor in order to complete it.

I woke up around 0400. I had to pee and I was awake. It was so hard trying to get back to sleep that I don’t think I did till after 1000. I should have just gotten up but I was so hot I didn’t want to. My right foot was hurting me so I took a pain med. Now, around twelve hours later, my left CRPS foot is flaring up. Just a bunch of nerve pain. Hate when it starts before 1800 as I usually am in pain the rest of the night. Thunderstorms just started so that is probably why. I hope it cools down some. I need to clear my AC so my brother in law can put it in the window. I have clutter the space while clearing another area of my room. I have no idea where to put the things that are blocking it. I wish I had another wardrobe to put my clothes in. I really need one but that requires decluttering more space.

I haven’t let my therapist know I am not going in the hospital tomorrow. I really don’t want to talk to her this week. I don’t know how successful I will be in not talking to her. I have an appointment with her Tues but I am not going to keep it. I just don’t feel like having therapy this week.

I am tired. I have been up for a few hours. I know I am bored. I should clear my bed so I can change the bedding. For the most part, I have kept up with putting my recycle in a bag rather than have it accumulate on my bed. I just have to clear the corner that likes to collect stuff and then my “office” space, which isn’t bad, considering. Just old mail has piled up rather than notebooks. I think most of it can be recycled. I don’t think I need to keep any of it.